Spinning Head

I'm feeling a little traumatized by some things that happened this weekend, around addiction issues with other people.  I will talk about it once I've spent some time processing, and feel like I won't be outing anyone.

In the meantime, I am sitting here posting this from a local Starbucks, which has become my "office" when I need to get out of the house.  I have a home office, but sometimes I feel paralyzed and overwhelmed with all that needs to be done, both personally and professionally.  So getting up, getting dressed like I'm going to an office and coming here (I go to different ones for a little variety.  Stop laughing at me) helps me corral my thoughts into action and I get more done.

So as I'm sitting at this one, which is right next to a large corporate office complex, and people are coming here with co-workers on a coffee break or to have a meeting, I am hearing their conversations and wondering that there was ever a time when this felt "normal" to me.  Lots of superficial discussions, people being charming and playing the political game ... blech!!  Don't misunderstand, I am in NO way judging any of it, I am simply observing, remembering and noting much my life has changed in the last three years since I left the corporate world I used to live in.  I didn't just live in it, I thought that was all there was, I didn't yet know anything else or have anything to compare it to.

Now, I am finally emerging from my cocoon of recovery from the last three years (I write much more about this in my chapter "Beautiful Metamorphosis" for the anthology I'm co-authoring titled "In Pursuit Of The Divine: Written Stories to Empower a Woman's Soul" coming in mid-May.  Stay tuned), and looking around at what my life used to be and seeing what it is now.  What exactly the future will be is still a little murky, and that's ok.  God's got that and for now, He's not showing it to me clearly and I know there's a reason for that.  But I don't believe my best future is going back to the corporate environment, what I have to offer and give doesn't fit into those parameters.  There's a reason it never felt natural to me, and that I always seemed to be mis-stepping and getting into hot water.  It always felt like a game that had rules which everyone around me knew inherently, without having to ask or learn, but I never knew what they were and always felt like I was running behind everyone, trying to just catch up.  Anyway, it's interesting now to sit here and observe that world, and feel so outside of it, having NO desire to return to it.

I've been eating food the past week or so that is NOT good for me, and which causes me much pain.  It's what I call having a case of the "fuck its", and it's dangerous territory for an alcoholic like me.  At least I'm aware of it and am talking about it.  There are physical and emotional consequences for me to behave this way - physically when I eat sugar and gluten, I feel pain in my body, dis-ease in my digestive system and general discomfort.  Emotionally, it feels very similar to how and why I drank, so it screams "danger" at me.  Thankfully I'm seeing my therapist this week, she can usually help me zero in on what's going on and how to process it in a healthier way.

I believe that's enough for today.

Mental health journey

I wrote this entry for my mental health providers website as part of Mental Health Awareness month.

Three years ago, in April 2011, God delivered to me a wake up call in the form of colon cancer.  The life I was living at that time was so out of alignment with who I really am, or who I was meant to be.  I was numbing all my darkness and pain with alcohol, sex, food, shopping, traveling - and not even sure what exactly I was so afraid of feeling.

My cancer wasn't fatal,  but it was the end of the life I was living at that time, and I believe that's exactly what it was meant to be.  Physical recovery forced me to slow down, the spinning top that I had become was no longer able to hide from what my life had become.  The spinning stopped, a lot of things started to come into focus and I knew everything had to change if I was to survive.  And I knew that I would need help on this journey.

I got into a recovery program for alcoholism in January of 2013, one of the best decisions I've ever made.  And as I started to peel back the layers of scar tissue that had grown over a lot of original wounds, I sought counseling help from someone who understood my alcoholic mind.  Based on a recommendation from my doctor, I started seeing Kathleen to begin the process of looking honestly at myself, my pain and find some different coping mechanisms.

As part of this journey I have come to realize that I, like many of us, carry certain beliefs about myself, my life and God.  Some of these beliefs came from inside me, some came from suggestions from others that I chose to accept.  Many of these beliefs are very limiting, and with the help of sobriety and counseling, I am better able to examine them honestly and decide whether they still work for me or not. Beliefs such as I am only fun and interesting when I drink, or that the only thing I bring to a relationship with a man is my body & ability to be pleasing.   I am an introvert and an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), and quite the loner in reality.  My belief that those parts of me were socially unacceptable, and even broken, led me in a lot of self-destructive directions.  I couldn't see it as self-destructive when I was in it, although I wasn't exactly happy either.  I just thought that if I could only get the combination right for once (lose enough weight, find the right man, work the right job, earn the right salary, etc), then at last I would be happy.  It was always around the next corner, out there somewhere ... and never did I believe that my drinking was the very thing keeping all that happiness constantly out of reach.

I still have a ways to go, but today I have learned that I can't survive if I seek to numb rather than feel and that my feelings won't destroy me.  I've learned a lot of self acceptance, and believe that is the key.  I still want validation from others, but it doesn't determine if I'm ok with me.  I am grateful for all the lessons learned so far, for the journey I am on and for the healers I have been blessed with along the way.

Thankfully, Friday

Wow, it's been a very intensely emotional week.  Normally, in my current lifestyle, Friday's have been feeling like any other day of the week when they used to be my favorite day.  But this week, I'm feeling a profound sense of relief that Friday is here, that I don't have a lot of "must do's" today or the whole weekend, and that I can finally feel my breath letting out.

First of all I have to say I got a facial yesterday, and she did some really deep extractions (removing blackheads with some torturous little metal instrument) that really HURT!  Still hurting today.

Okay, got that off my chest.  A friend of mine in recovery, who just had six months of not drinking under her belt, went out and drank last weekend and is, apparently, still drinking.  It's hard to watch that happen, and even harder to watch what it's doing to their daughter who is just a teenager.  I can see what this is doing to her (the daughter), at least some of it, but I don't think they can.  The whole situation has hurt my heart this week, and while I didn't feel my sobriety was being threatened, my serenity sure was.  But I'm doing much better today, and have finally come to realize that it's not my job or my right to try and "save" someone, that is Gods job and He is so much better at it than I ever was or thought I was.

The gift that this has brought to me is a profound reminder of how close I am, we all are in recovery, to that darkness that was/is our addiction.  I know my friend is in a very dark place right now, and if I could shine a light in there for her, I would.  But I know for sure that I don't ever want to go back into that darkness.  I was driving up to a hair appointment yesterday, and hearing the news that she was still out drinking, and my heart just sunk.  But in that moment, as I was driving, texting (which I know I shouldn't have been) and feeling so confused, I could feel Gods presence with me, like He was sitting right there beside me in the car, all around me and inside me.  It was very powerful, and I believe He was letting me know that He is taking care of her and not to let her darkness steal my light.  So I've reached out to other women in the program in the last few days, gone to a few meetings, met with my sponsee and let her know that she's slipping into risky territory too.  All of those things have helped put me back into a good place.  I can't change my friends trajectory, but I can keep myself on track and by doing so, maybe I can shine some light into her darkness.

On an exciting front, I've been asked to write a blog entry for a mental health provider's website about my journey thus far (part of it anyway).  That's so cool, and I'm so flattered to be asked.

AND I finally finished Menopause The Poem last night!! I'll post it later, been working on it for a few months.  :-)

I believe that's all for today my friends, have a blessed weekend.  We are finally into the 80's here this weekend and lots of sunshine.  I intend to ride my bike, walk my dogs and just be.  <3

I feel so alone

This is a poem I wrote about a year ago, and it's one of my favorites:

I feel so alone, but am I?

Spinning, drowning, aimless and adrift 

No sense of purpose, but is that the gift?

Who I once was, is she no longer here?

Can I accept what is now, walk through this fear?

At times my life feels empty,

And so riddled with doubt 

This new me…

I don't know, what is she all about?

All alone in my head

My soul cries out for reasons.

All the questions, never ending,

Like what my purpose for being is. 

Faith, I have plenty

A bigger plan I know is in store. 

I don't regret what's been asked,

But must there always be more? 

A purpose and direction are what I now seek, 

A new compass, a focus, 

To feel my heart wildly beat.

My soul, my spirit,

Am I them, are they me?

I feel so alone, but am I...truly?

Music

Taking a break from my audiobooks today and listening to music.  Crazy how a song can take you right back into a mood, an emotion or a memory and just as quick as it's over and another song/memory/emotion comes on, you're off into that experience.  I love how music, like scents with me, can instantly transport me right to a memory.  I feel, smell, hear as if I was there again, with those people, in that place, in that moment of time.  Music also has the ability to draw me into something ahead of me, a feeling that I know is not a memory, but rather of a moment that I hope is to come, a feeling I would love to have, a memory I look forward to making.

Totally random thought, but whenever I watch tv shows or movies that are about some future holocaust where electricity on our planet is gone, all I can think about is that means there's no music. Man, that would be a VERY bleak future in my opinion.  I'm just so thankful for all the beautiful melodies there are to listen to, to inspire my soul and daydreams.

I Won't Let You Go

It’s like a storm

That cuts a path

It breaks your will

it feels like that

You think you’re lost

But you’re not lost

On your own

You’re not alone

I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you’ve done all you can do and you can’t cope

I will dry your eyes

 I will fight your fight 

I will hold you tight and I won’t let go

It hurts my heart to see you cry

I know it’s dark, this part of life

Oh it finds us all, we’re too small

To stop the rain, oh but when it rains

I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you’ve done all you can do, and you can’t cope

I will dry your eyes

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight and I won’t let you fall 

Don’t be afraid to fall

I’m  right here to catch you, I won’t let you down

It won’t get you down

You’re going to make it,  I know you can make it

I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you’ve done all you can do and you can’t cope

I will dry your eyes

 I will fight your fight 

I will hold you tight and I won’t let go

I’m going to hold you and I won’t let go.  

I won’t let go. 

Rascal Flatts 

That damn bottle

Something happened week before last that I haven't posted about.  I came across a half-empty bottle of vodka in my pantry, that I'd evidently not noticed when I poured all my booze down the drain last January 7th.  If you're an alcoholic, you'll understand why that was so powerful, if you're not one of us, maybe you'll learn something about what it's like.

That vodka had a lot of power and energy for me.  Once again I was slapped in the face with the reality that I can't, and won't ever be able to, drink like other people.  I so wanted to just pour myself a drink or two, enjoy them and put the bottle back on the shelf.  But then, I've wanted that to be the result every single time I've taken that first drink, for over 30 years that's what I have wanted.  And that is never, not once, what has happened.  So once again, despite my carefully crafted safe life, where no booze has been around to remind me of what I want and can never have, here I was faced with reality again and it really pissed me off.  It made me angry as hell, but since I struggle to recognize when I'm feeling anger,  it took 2 more days before I realized that the heavy, dark feeling hanging over me was, in fact, anger.  

My therapist gave me a great visual this past week to help me take some of the energy away from moments like that.  I see my disease, my alcoholism, as a big ugly beast.  When I first got sober, it was right beside my face, snarling and salivating as it wanted so badly to get it's sharp claws and fangs in me again.  I was aware of it's presence, so volatile, loud and threatening.  Now, after 16 months of working a recovery program, it's still nearby but now it's laying down, watching me constantly, never taking it's eyes off of me.  So my therapist suggested I visualize someone, not me, throwing water on it and picturing it melting like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz.  Or someone pokes it with a pin, and I realize it was just a balloon as I watch it deflating into nothing.  That works. :-)