Just had to share this Tedx video I just saw. Really spoke to me in a profound way ,,, she's telling her own story and we're all different, but it's like she was also telling my story.
Take a look:
Glennon Melton
I found her through another post on her website, which if you're interested is:
http://momastery.com
She's a recovering bulimic, alcholic and drug addict, who it also sounds like has discovered she's an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person).
One of the things I love about how she presents herself and talks, is that it's obvious she's in the same 12-step recovery program I am because of some of the vernacular she uses. But she doesn't just quote from a book, she uses her own words. I love that, it's kind of rare.
An acceptance of things just as they are, has been washing over me lately. It feels a little like waking after a long nap where you were dreaming vividly, thinking your dreamworld was real. Then you wake, look around you and what you see isn't necessarily bad compared to the dreamworld, it's just different. And at first you think this real world is the dream, but in time you come to recognize that this is, in fact, what's real. When I drank, and my whole life prior to 19 months ago revolved around drinking to feel, not feel, plug-in, unplug, celebrate, grieve, etc., that felt like some kind of dreamworld - But I thought it, and everything in it, was real. So odd sometimes, and yet really grounding & serene, to realize this is real, that was not. No more blackouts, no more gaps in my memory that made me feel sometimes like I was literally going insane. I may not always remember clearly what happened two weeks ago, I am 51 years old after all. But I wake up each and every day remembering what happened last night, who I spoke to and what I said/didn't say, did/didn't do. And the grace that I feel erupting inside me every day from that alone is something I could never have expected when I lived in that dream world, so desperately wanting grace and having no idea how or where to look for it.
I am blessed - thank you God.
Metamorphosis
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Sunday, August 17, 2014
I woke up this morning feeling very happy, content - for no particular reason, but I haven't felt this way in some time. I slept really well, Bella beside me all night as I lock her in now so she can't wake me all night barking at raccoons, foxes, cats or whatever else seems to disturb her at 3am. Don't think I had a night sweat all night, and that alone was a blessing.
I can't help but wonder at the significance of finding this flower blooming beside my driveway last night.
I thought it was a weed, it's certainly not something I planted there. After much discussion on Facebook and googling, I believe it is a night blooming Moon Flower. In the light of day, it's no longer blooming, which explains why I've never noticed it before - I don't go out much at night.
Someone said the flower might be Gods way of saying I'm on the right path, and I like the way that sounds. Might also be why I woke up feeling happy this morning, and slept so well last night. I am letting go of parts of my past that no longer serve me. Not with anger or resentment, or even sadness, just acceptance that life is different now, I'm different now, things change. I am really grateful for that acceptance, it's been quite a process to get there.
So today I'm just being as lazy as possible - it's now 1:30 and I'm on the couch watching episodes of Merlin on Netflix. I plan to be here most of the day, not leaving the house. I haven't had a day like this in so long. Balance is something I've become aware of this past week, needing to find more of it. Not really a message that is easy to get from outside sources, it's something that life will remind us of though if we're not careful. And Bella is snoozing right here beside me, always comforting.
Blessings!
I can't help but wonder at the significance of finding this flower blooming beside my driveway last night.
Someone said the flower might be Gods way of saying I'm on the right path, and I like the way that sounds. Might also be why I woke up feeling happy this morning, and slept so well last night. I am letting go of parts of my past that no longer serve me. Not with anger or resentment, or even sadness, just acceptance that life is different now, I'm different now, things change. I am really grateful for that acceptance, it's been quite a process to get there.
So today I'm just being as lazy as possible - it's now 1:30 and I'm on the couch watching episodes of Merlin on Netflix. I plan to be here most of the day, not leaving the house. I haven't had a day like this in so long. Balance is something I've become aware of this past week, needing to find more of it. Not really a message that is easy to get from outside sources, it's something that life will remind us of though if we're not careful. And Bella is snoozing right here beside me, always comforting.
Blessings!
Robin Williams
His death is just feeling so heavy to me, and I think to many others as well. I'm disheartened to hear so many people judging his final choice. I truly have no idea what it feels like to want to end your life, that thought/those feelings have literally never come into my head, which I'm so grateful for. But I think I can understand where the judgement comes from - it's from fear and pain. We look at someone who seemed to have so much going for him, seemed so gifted and full of joy, and yet his inability to feel the joy that he gave to others is very scary. And we feel pain from anger, he took himself from us, denied anyone the ability to reach him through that pain. It rattles us when someone takes their own life, it feels so wrong, not part of Gods plan, something so out of synch that we can't make any sense of it. A life just gone, over, aborted, disrupted. That's how it feels to me anyway, no good bye's, no chance to get used to the idea of a world without that person.
Some years back, I knew a woman named Linda. We became good friends very quickly, and were involved in some of the same, shall we say, extra-curricular activities. I'll leave out the details for now. Linda was beautiful, smart, funny, had a great job and good friends. But she dealt with clinical depression and bi-polar disease, which I didn't know. She was on meds, but they didn't always work. I hadn't heard from her in some time, and a mutual friend finally asked me if I had heard the news about her. I called her phone and her parents answered, hoping it was me ,,, she'd told them about me, about our friendship, but had cleared the numbers from her phone. Linda had paid all her bills, checked her dog into a kennel, cleaned her apartment, and with champagne & sleeping pills, ended her life. Her sister had found her, after not hearing from her either. Her mother was very sweet to me, told me Linda had wanted to go for some time, had in fact tried it twice before, and that we needed to let her go in our hearts. She'd been in pain, deep emotional pain, most of her life.
That was so hard for me to accept, I grieved Linda in private for some time. I have one picture of her and I together, and I will always treasure it. It's so hard to imagine how someone can just end their life on purpose, what those last few moments must feel like. I can't imagine frankly, and finally, with Linda, I stopped trying and just let go of her. But Robin's death reminded me of how that time felt, and how we never really know what's going on in other people's minds & hearts. I couldn't help Linda, no one could. But I know I touched her life in some small way, and perhaps she took some of my strength with her into what came next for her. I can still hear her laughter and see her smile, so in some small way she left a bit of herself behind with me too.
Hugs to all. xoxo
Some years back, I knew a woman named Linda. We became good friends very quickly, and were involved in some of the same, shall we say, extra-curricular activities. I'll leave out the details for now. Linda was beautiful, smart, funny, had a great job and good friends. But she dealt with clinical depression and bi-polar disease, which I didn't know. She was on meds, but they didn't always work. I hadn't heard from her in some time, and a mutual friend finally asked me if I had heard the news about her. I called her phone and her parents answered, hoping it was me ,,, she'd told them about me, about our friendship, but had cleared the numbers from her phone. Linda had paid all her bills, checked her dog into a kennel, cleaned her apartment, and with champagne & sleeping pills, ended her life. Her sister had found her, after not hearing from her either. Her mother was very sweet to me, told me Linda had wanted to go for some time, had in fact tried it twice before, and that we needed to let her go in our hearts. She'd been in pain, deep emotional pain, most of her life.
That was so hard for me to accept, I grieved Linda in private for some time. I have one picture of her and I together, and I will always treasure it. It's so hard to imagine how someone can just end their life on purpose, what those last few moments must feel like. I can't imagine frankly, and finally, with Linda, I stopped trying and just let go of her. But Robin's death reminded me of how that time felt, and how we never really know what's going on in other people's minds & hearts. I couldn't help Linda, no one could. But I know I touched her life in some small way, and perhaps she took some of my strength with her into what came next for her. I can still hear her laughter and see her smile, so in some small way she left a bit of herself behind with me too.
Hugs to all. xoxo
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Elephant in the room
Thought I'd share something that has occurred to me recently, and you know what a visual person I am (if you don't know that you soon will) :-)
The further away I get from the woman I used to be, who used alcohol as a way of processing emotions and feelings (good bad or indifferent), the more I am able to see just how lost and inauthentic I really was. All the things I thought were wrong with me,wrong with my life, were really just delusions that I fueled with the drink. Its like living in a room that I thought was painted this grey/taupe color. I was fine with that, didn't know anything different so all good. But in time and with distance from my drinking, I'm able to see that the room wasn't actually grey/taupe at ALL ,, that was the huge elephant in the room, which was my drinking. It was so huge, so invasive and I was so close to it, that I thought that WAS me, my life. Now I'm learning that the room is actually multi-colored, vibrant & beautiful - green, pink, blue, orange & red. And in that room, sitting on the floor, is a little stuffed elephant, a reminder of how myopic I used to be ,,, and could be again if I fall flat on my face.
A new poem I just finished.
Strangers
Yeah, you never knew me
You saw what you wanted to see
I showed you who you wanted me to be
But you never really saw me.
All those years, the good times we shared
It was all smoke and mirrors
I was just lost
And my soul was never bared
You kept me around
I was your unicorn, your clown
We mystified each other, you know it too
It was an illness - alcohol and you
You are such a deep part of who I used to be
It’s the past, no longer true
That you and that me.
Pain and yes anger, that’s what I feel
I would not or could not be who I was, be real
Love, now I don’t even know
Hard to say, when we are both letting go
Yeah, I never knew me
I saw what I wanted to see
I gave the world what it wanted of me
But I never really saw me
My vision is clearing
The further away I get from the woman I used to be, who used alcohol as a way of processing emotions and feelings (good bad or indifferent), the more I am able to see just how lost and inauthentic I really was. All the things I thought were wrong with me,wrong with my life, were really just delusions that I fueled with the drink. Its like living in a room that I thought was painted this grey/taupe color. I was fine with that, didn't know anything different so all good. But in time and with distance from my drinking, I'm able to see that the room wasn't actually grey/taupe at ALL ,, that was the huge elephant in the room, which was my drinking. It was so huge, so invasive and I was so close to it, that I thought that WAS me, my life. Now I'm learning that the room is actually multi-colored, vibrant & beautiful - green, pink, blue, orange & red. And in that room, sitting on the floor, is a little stuffed elephant, a reminder of how myopic I used to be ,,, and could be again if I fall flat on my face.
A new poem I just finished.
Strangers
Yeah, you never knew me
You saw what you wanted to see
I showed you who you wanted me to be
But you never really saw me.
It was all smoke and mirrors
I was just lost
And my soul was never bared
I was your unicorn, your clown
We mystified each other, you know it too
It was an illness - alcohol and you
It’s the past, no longer true
That you and that me.
I would not or could not be who I was, be real
Love, now I don’t even know
Hard to say, when we are both letting go
I saw what I wanted to see
I gave the world what it wanted of me
But I never really saw me
My vision is clearing
Monday, July 28, 2014
Ongoing observations
I finally have a lot to say, so I hope you'll grab a cub of coffee and stay for a visit.
Had a couple cool things happen this past weekend. Friday night I volunteered at a Dress For Success fundraiser where there was shopping accompanied by champagne (for the guests, not the volunteers lol). But women were putting their half-full, still-cold glasses down all over the place and at one point I was wandering around cleaning things up. I had to sort of chuckle to myself that an 18-month sober alcoholic was cleaning up half-full glasses of champagne. But the cool thing was I could smell the alcohol, remember a time when I did, or would have been, drinking that and I was unfazed by it. I didn't want to drink it, I wasn't repulsed by it, it was simply amusing thinking about how it used to be. I left there that night feeling very serene and pretty strong.
Then on Saturday I went to a sober bar b q with some of my fellows in recovery, most of whom I know. Now, one of the reasons I drank was over social anxiety, and in sobriety that anxiety still plagued me. But for some reason, I realized I was not nervous or anxious about going to this party, and when a girlfriend left (who I'd driven there with, thinking I'd want to leave when she did), I came back. I WANTED to be there, I was actually having FUN!
My intention is not to preach recovery, but in our big book there are a couple lines which state:
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
Those two lines especially are starting to ring true for me, and it's powerful, just really really powerful. Never in a million years did I believe that I could be comfortable in social situations, not without alcohol anyway. Feeling very blessed by this.
Also what's going on is my work with my life coach is starting to reveal something exciting! It's kind of like a geological dig where everything but the hidden treasure is being chipped away at, so what's revealed is what was always there in the first place. I'll post more about the details of this when I'm ready, but I feel really empowered to step into what's true for me. Don't honestly think I could have done that before getting sober, I just didn't know who I was and I didn't have the tools to figure it out. And maybe most importantly, for me anyway, is that I hadn't yet learned to trust God, to tune into that wisdom and recognize His voice in what I used to see as my intuitive voice.
Still nothing resembling romance on my horizon, and that's ok. I guess. lol I change my mind daily about this ... truthfully I'm fine being just me, I'm happy and content. But I'd be happier with a good man in my life, and I know now what a "good man" means to me. And it's not even close to what it used to mean.
I have been following a new regimen targeting specifically the yeast overgrowth in my gut and little by little, I can feel myself healing, finally. If I could right this one situation, I think it would help immensely. Feeling very hopeful, at last!
Still having night sweats and hot flashes, but I do believe it's getting better. Must be influenced by what I eat, as some days are better than others.
So I think that's it for now folks. Much love to you all, thanks for listening!
Had a couple cool things happen this past weekend. Friday night I volunteered at a Dress For Success fundraiser where there was shopping accompanied by champagne (for the guests, not the volunteers lol). But women were putting their half-full, still-cold glasses down all over the place and at one point I was wandering around cleaning things up. I had to sort of chuckle to myself that an 18-month sober alcoholic was cleaning up half-full glasses of champagne. But the cool thing was I could smell the alcohol, remember a time when I did, or would have been, drinking that and I was unfazed by it. I didn't want to drink it, I wasn't repulsed by it, it was simply amusing thinking about how it used to be. I left there that night feeling very serene and pretty strong.
Then on Saturday I went to a sober bar b q with some of my fellows in recovery, most of whom I know. Now, one of the reasons I drank was over social anxiety, and in sobriety that anxiety still plagued me. But for some reason, I realized I was not nervous or anxious about going to this party, and when a girlfriend left (who I'd driven there with, thinking I'd want to leave when she did), I came back. I WANTED to be there, I was actually having FUN!
My intention is not to preach recovery, but in our big book there are a couple lines which state:
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
Those two lines especially are starting to ring true for me, and it's powerful, just really really powerful. Never in a million years did I believe that I could be comfortable in social situations, not without alcohol anyway. Feeling very blessed by this.
Also what's going on is my work with my life coach is starting to reveal something exciting! It's kind of like a geological dig where everything but the hidden treasure is being chipped away at, so what's revealed is what was always there in the first place. I'll post more about the details of this when I'm ready, but I feel really empowered to step into what's true for me. Don't honestly think I could have done that before getting sober, I just didn't know who I was and I didn't have the tools to figure it out. And maybe most importantly, for me anyway, is that I hadn't yet learned to trust God, to tune into that wisdom and recognize His voice in what I used to see as my intuitive voice.
Still nothing resembling romance on my horizon, and that's ok. I guess. lol I change my mind daily about this ... truthfully I'm fine being just me, I'm happy and content. But I'd be happier with a good man in my life, and I know now what a "good man" means to me. And it's not even close to what it used to mean.
I have been following a new regimen targeting specifically the yeast overgrowth in my gut and little by little, I can feel myself healing, finally. If I could right this one situation, I think it would help immensely. Feeling very hopeful, at last!
Still having night sweats and hot flashes, but I do believe it's getting better. Must be influenced by what I eat, as some days are better than others.
So I think that's it for now folks. Much love to you all, thanks for listening!
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Few words ...
It's been a good week, just feeling kind of odd today for some reason. I went to a new healer today, she uses healing touch, and it was very interesting. I can't really say yet what my first impression is, but my session certainly put me into a very reflective mood.
I also hired a virtual assistant this week, and I'm really excited about that. I envision her helping me with things that I could learn given the time, but having someone else do them frees me up to do the things I actually enjoy, the creative stuff! It's a real blessing that I found the woman I did, she works with several other women that I know, so it feels like a God-fit. :-) Love it when that stuff happens.
I'm not sure why exactly but I'm feeling a bit bereft of words lately, so not much else to say at the moment. But you know me, once I'm on a roll you can't shut me up, so maybe this is a good thing.
One thing I can say though is this - I am filled with gratitude at this life I've been given, and every single thing in it. Maybe that's why I've got little to say at the moment, I'm just feeling so grateful and words are superfluous right now. My heart feels full, and not for any particular reason, just is.
Love to all, until next time. Ciao!
Allita
I also hired a virtual assistant this week, and I'm really excited about that. I envision her helping me with things that I could learn given the time, but having someone else do them frees me up to do the things I actually enjoy, the creative stuff! It's a real blessing that I found the woman I did, she works with several other women that I know, so it feels like a God-fit. :-) Love it when that stuff happens.
I'm not sure why exactly but I'm feeling a bit bereft of words lately, so not much else to say at the moment. But you know me, once I'm on a roll you can't shut me up, so maybe this is a good thing.
One thing I can say though is this - I am filled with gratitude at this life I've been given, and every single thing in it. Maybe that's why I've got little to say at the moment, I'm just feeling so grateful and words are superfluous right now. My heart feels full, and not for any particular reason, just is.
Love to all, until next time. Ciao!
Allita
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Dillon
Just back earlier today from a weekend at Lake Dillon, up in the Rockies about 90 minutes from Denver. Eight sober women in recovery, guests of my friend E at her family's condo. Some of us knew each other well, some not at all. E did a great job of picking the women and creating the vibe, we got along beautifully and seemed to really enjoy each others' company. For me, it was not the first girls' getaway I've done, but it was the first one in sobriety with other sober women. I truly had a great time, laughed hysterically & often, slept horribly, relaxed, walked a lot, shopped a little, thoroughly enjoyed the mountains and the beautiful weather, ate food that was good for me and some that wasn't (including my FAVORITE girl scout cookies, Samoa's. Thanks E), shared some of my story & my life, listened to other people's stories, got closer to a few of the women and got to know all of them better.
Here's what I realized last night though, and this is what really set this weekend apart from any other girls trip I've taken. There wasn't one moment where I wanted desperately to be home alone, I wasn't counting the hours until I could leave and get back to "being me" and I never felt like the odd man out, different, separate. And never once did I feel like I was being someone I had to be ... I was simply being me, as comfortable in my own skin as I am able to be right now.
Here's a couple pictures of the lake, taken from the condo we stayed in:
This was Friday night, Saturday was a full moon. I thought the moon over the lake and the clouds was so beautiful.
And this was this morning, before we left to head back to town. It was such a gorgeous morning up there, perfect in every way.
I feel very blessed to have been included, blessed to know these women and most of all, blessed to be on this amazing, incredible, painful, beautiful and totally life-changing journey.
AND, when I got back I had two packages waiting for me. One is a pair of shoes I've been lusting over for months and finally found them, on sale! The other box had my essential oil order, which included one of the hormonal supplements I've been waiting for. Although hot flashes weren't actually too bad this weekend, I'm hopeful this will help get rid of them completely, along with the other oils I'm using.
Hope you had a blessed weekend as well.
Here's what I realized last night though, and this is what really set this weekend apart from any other girls trip I've taken. There wasn't one moment where I wanted desperately to be home alone, I wasn't counting the hours until I could leave and get back to "being me" and I never felt like the odd man out, different, separate. And never once did I feel like I was being someone I had to be ... I was simply being me, as comfortable in my own skin as I am able to be right now.
Here's a couple pictures of the lake, taken from the condo we stayed in:
I feel very blessed to have been included, blessed to know these women and most of all, blessed to be on this amazing, incredible, painful, beautiful and totally life-changing journey.
AND, when I got back I had two packages waiting for me. One is a pair of shoes I've been lusting over for months and finally found them, on sale! The other box had my essential oil order, which included one of the hormonal supplements I've been waiting for. Although hot flashes weren't actually too bad this weekend, I'm hopeful this will help get rid of them completely, along with the other oils I'm using.
Hope you had a blessed weekend as well.
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