Sadness

Was feeling a little down or blue today, couldn't really put my finger on why.  Just now tears started to flow, and I realized that I'm hurting, inside.  So many changes in the last couple of years, people leaving my life or relationships changing, giving up and saying good bye forever to most of what made up my "life" before cancer and AA. 

And it hurts that some people in my life, mainly my "best friend", are so removed from what this recovery looks and feels like for me.  It hurts that someone who I've been so close to for 23 years now, shares no part of this with me, nor seems to want to.  And truthfully, six days out of seven, I can be ok with that and I see that things change with sobriety.  I'm changing, my life and what I want from it are changing, my heart is changing, my view is changing ,,, so it's realistic that some relationships are going to change.  And yet, it hurts never the less.  There's no real right or wrong here, which is probably why most days I deal with how things are, and try to let go of how things were, or how I want them to be in my ideal world.  It just hit me this afternoon, for whatever reason, that SO much has changed lately.  It hasn't all caught up with me, so it's also realistic that things will hit me hard from time to time.

I love my friend, always will, and I know for sure that she loves me too.  And, the somewhat painful truth is that we don't really "fit" like we used to, we've both changed.  Or maybe I'm only now, with the clear eyes of sobriety and burgeoning self-acceptance, seeing that we are who we've always been.  It just "feels" different now.  I don't know, not sure it matters.  Lovingly letting go of someone in your heart, realizing that they will always be a huge part of your past, are still a small part of your present, but will most likely not be part of your future, is much easier said than done.  And to let go without anger or pain is harder still ,,, we want someone to blame things on, to hold responsible when things in our life change, because change is hard.  My mother used to tell me the only constant in life is change, and I can remember completely discounting that, telling myself she knew nothing.  Turns out, as I've always suspected, my mother was wrong about very very little.  

What a day ...

Started out taking my car in very early to the dealer for service, and while there I found out my ex-husband's younger brother, about my age, passed away.  What a bunch of emotions that brought up ,,, I remember Jerry fondly (I've been divorced for about 8 years now), he was a very gentle, sensitive, sweet soul and we got along great, which I can't say for all my husband's siblings.  So I was remembering him, and feeling so sad that he's gone so soon.  He was a heavy drinker when I knew him, and while I don't know the reason for his passing, my suspicion is that booze played a part.  He had two sons, late teens/early 20's, and I can well imagine how they're feeling.  My own father died when I was 14, and it was rough to put it mildly. 

And I was also feeling very sad, once again, for the failure of my marriage, as memories of those days came flooding into my mind.  Since I had a rental car, and no particular plans for the day, after I hit an AA meeting, I just started driving.  It's such a beautiful spring day here, high 70's, a few big puffy clouds in the sky and my rental was an excellent host for this excursion.  My tears eventually stopped and I just let my mind wander, listening first to music and then an audiobook on my iPod.  At one point I just became very aware of how blessed I am, and how grateful I felt in that moment to be where I was, doing what I was doing, feeling everything honestly, no booze.  Make no mistake, the old me would have gone straight to a bar and spent a good deal of time there, before THEN getting in my car and driving around ,,, OR I would have bought a chilled bottle of wine and drove around all day drinking it.  Sad, but very true. 

Another couple things I didn't do today that I would have done before are around food and shopping.  At one point I stopped for a bathroom break, went inside the mini-mart and bought a bag of almonds and a bottle of water.  Traditionally my road snacks have been crunchy Cheetos, mini choc donuts and a diet dr pepper.  I know, real healthy huh?! lol, but nope, not today.  And then I decided to stop at one of my favorite dress shops, and despite seeing all kinds of things I would love having, (not necessarily wearing though, just having, as is my habit to date), I only bought two things for a total of $40.  I didn't feel any of the crazy, out of control, need-to-numb feelings that have so often accompanied my drinking, eating and shopping in the past.  It was pretty awesome, and I'm pretty exhausted. 

Observation

I've had a nice, relaxing and yet productive day so far ,,, made some really good progress with my clothes in the garage that need to be sold.  That alone feels like a giant weight off.  And yet ...

I came in to pay some bills and check out my account online, and found that I have very little money in my checking account until a transfer comes through that I made last night.  And instantly, I'm looking at what's available on my credit cards so I can go buy something, or order something online.  To make me feel better, I'm willing to spend even more money on things I don't need, or even want.  Why do I do that?? 

It was the same with drinking, and is the same today with eating.  Anytime I get uncomfortable, or feel judgemental about myself, my choices and decisions, I want to do something destructive, telling myself ,,,, well I don't know what I'm telling myself.   Or maybe I shut my inner voice down, I just eat/drink/shop to drown it out, make it shut up. 

My dog ...

I actually have two dogs, Bella and Milo, and it's Milo that I want to talk about today. 

I adopted him three years ago, when he was about 6 or 7, from the Dumb Friends League.  I didn't even notice him at first, and when I did look at him, I totally disregarded him as a companion for my young dog Bella.  Bella had been 8 weeks old when I got her from another shelter, and I'd first met and picked her out when she was only 3 weeks old.  At that time I had two grown, older dogs who both passed within a few months of each other when Bella was less than a year old.

At first I thought we'd just keep things the way they were, but I think I just needed time to grieve.  So I wasn't looking for an older dog when I went to the Adoption center that day in January, but Milo kept barking as if to say "I'm for you Lady, look over here at me", and eventually I did look.  He was very mellow and happy to just get some attention, and best of all Bella approved of him.  Over the last three years I have really come to love this dog ,,, he's just so easy, he makes no demands at all and just gives love. 

So now his kidneys are showing signs of failing and other things are showing up in his bloodwork.  But the amazing thing is, and why I wanted to write about him today, is that the difference between how he appears/acts, and how his bloodwork says he should be acting are different like night and day.  He looks healthy, happy, vital and very much alive ,,, yet his tests show a dog who is very sick and about a year ago was given a 3 month prognosis of life.  But Milo evidently has no intention of going anywhere, and sometimes he gazes at my face with so much love, intelligence and compassion.  It's as if he's saying to me "Don't believe everything you hear, YOU are in charge of your life, and no one else".

Milo came to my life for a reason, he is my teacher and one of many amazing spirit guides I have had in this life so far.  He teaches me every day what being really human feels like.  And isn't that amazing for a dog. :-)

Uncertain future ...

So I've gone through a 12 month health coaching program, and thought sure that opening a consulting practice was what life had planned for me.  My intention was to use my combination of knowledge and experience to coach other cancer survivors to discover what true health, holistic health, meant for them so they wouldn't need to repeat their cancer experience.  I've known from the time I was diagnosed that my cancer didn't need to have happened, and there are emotional reasons it did.  Louise Hay says cancer is an unwillingness to release something, to let go.  I've been thinking about that a lot, and working on digging into what that might be for me. 

I could also see myself lecturing, maybe offering workshops, on discovering true health.  Possibly writing a book about my experiences. 

But today I was pondering all of that on my drive to get some blood drawn to check my hormone level (which didn't happen, someone wasn't well trained on blood draws, frustrating and painful).  And what came to me, what I realized, is that future still doesn't feel real.  By that I mean, I sense that's not yet what this is all about, what I'm meant to be doing with my life.  I have faith, so much more than I used to, that my job is just to keep moving forward.  The ultimate plan is not mine to figure out or know. 

What I do know, and feel with more conviction every passing day, is that my getting sober is the key to everything.  That my true destiny could never have come to pass without this huge piece falling into place.  Keeping the faith, moving forward, taking things one day at a time, and continuing to work on loving myself ,,, those are my intentions for now.   Not always easy, but a lot of potential positive outcomes. 

Snowy and cold today, getting a lot of cleaning out done around the house, feels good.  Not going to my women's 12-step workshop, roads too risky.  Just staying in and enjoying the down time ,,, nothing lasts forever, so being really present and enjoying the moment for just what is, that's the ticket.  :-) 

Grateful

Yes, grateful ,,, that's truly how I feel most days, at least lately.  Some of the intense anger is gone for now, and I don't feel so sad either.  Grieving something that can never be is helpful to a certain point, at least for me, and then it's time to get back into living the present. 

I was feeling grief over the life that I didn't live, partly due to an obsession with alcohol, which I honestly believe kept me from seeing things for what they really were.  I allowed my body, my mind and my heart to be used and de-valued, and that hurts me to accept.  But I can't change it, and perhaps, just maybe, going through those moments is what allowed this moment to finally occur.  Maybe I couldn't have gotten here, this exact place at this exact moment, without the very journey I was on.  I always say "everything happens for a reason", and I believe that ,,, but I guess it's easier to apply that to small things than to 30+ years of ones life. 

I watched the movie Flight last night, and wow did it hit hard.  I sat there afterwards crying like a baby, which is really the first time I've truly cried in private over all of this.  I've cried in a few meetings, but couldn't seem to let go otherwise.  Watching all the things he threw away, all the people who tried to love him, the damage and destruction his drinking created, and when he finally admitted he was an alcoholic, I felt that in the core of my being.  Making that admission was so HARD for me too.  You start out in life with such hopes for yourself, dreams of greatness and success.  And realizing that you, just like millions before you, belong in a room called AA where you come clean about your "stinking drinking thinking" feels like failure at first.  But I'm now starting to see it as growth rather than failure.  I didn't make myself an alcoholic, I was born this way, it's a disease, not something we do to ourselves.  There is no fault that I need to own, so there's no failure.  The growth of admitting it, getting help, having the courage to face life in a totally new and different way ,,, some people don't make it this far, and we hear of their tragic deaths all the time.  With my whole heart, I want this life to be something truly wonderful and magical, and I'm starting to feel that happening, now, finally. 

One of the hardest things for me right now is that the people I'm closest to and call family, have NO idea what this is like for me.  In many ways, this process of getting to know myself all over again as a sober human being, and learning what that means for me, my life & future, is so much harder than surviving cancer ,,, it truly is.  I'm going through this monumental thing, and yet my closest friends ask me questions like "are you still doing the non-drinking thing?", like just "not drinking" is all there is to this ,,, like choosing to stop eating meat, or drive a white/black/blue/red car any more.  To not feel support from the people you love and who love you, for the biggest challenge you've ever faced, is hard.  It's not their fault, I get that intellectually ,,, until/unless someone is walking this path, there is no way to truly understand it, I do get that.  And yet it's frustrating, isolating and hurtful.  I'm so thankful that I have other AA's in my life that I can share those feelings with ,,, very thankful. 

It truly is exciting to finally sense myself becoming the woman that I was always intended to be, that God intended me to be.  I can't really find words for how amazing this feels, it's overwhelming in such a beautiful, hopeful way.  I could wish and have regrets that it didn't happen earlier, but it really couldn't have happened any other time.  I needed to get to this place in the exact way I got here, life is unfolding exactly as it is meant to.  I'm soooo grateful to be here, now, in this place, learning these lessons and overcoming these challenges.  

Blessings!

90 Days

Yep, as of today I have not indulged in drink for 90 days.  There was a time when this was an inconceivable notion ,,, just going for a whole week was an inconceivable notion.  And while I am recognizing how hard this has been, and that's an understatement if ever there was one, I also know I've only begun with what needs to happen to keep me sober, both literally and mentally. 

Contrary to what my non-alcoholic friends/associates seem to think, the process of "getting sober" isn't about just figuring out how to tough it out and not drink alcohol.  An alcoholic, from what I can tell so far, doesn't see things for what they really are.  Those "things" include our past, our relationships, ourselves, even our own thoughts.  This is definitely true for me.  With each day that passes, I learn more about myself, I question more about myself and my past, and I love that.  I'm like two very different people now, two sides of myself I guess you could say.  There's the me that is all emotion and feelings, very little reason and or sanity.  And then there's what I call my "wise, mature self" ,,, the voice of reason, heck maybe the voice of God, speaking to me through me.  That part of me is willing to question everything, every.single.thing, about what I've always believed and thought to be true.  I can no longer accept all the old stories I've either told myself, or been told by someone (parents, family, teachers, etc.), because to accept all of that is to drink again. 

I feel so much more joy today than I did a couple of weeks ago, and in that is the acceptance that it's ok to take care of myself, to do whatever I need to do in order to feel this joy.  And in my case, that means not communicating with certain people very often, if at all.  It also means, and this one is WAY harder to accept, that what others think of me or expect of me (even if I'm assuming all of that) should NOT be the guide by which I live my life.  Crazy that at 50 years of age I am finally learning to be okay with that ,,, learning, just beginning in fact. 

This process of getting sober feels like the very crux of what life has been leading me towards for decades now, and it's the biggest, most amazingly stupendously ginormous thing I could ever have imagined.  People keep asking me "what are you doing now?  are you working?  what do you do all day?", and I just stare at them thinking "Don't you fucking GET IT????  I'm getting sober, that's what I'm doing, and that's HUGE, it's EVERYTHING!!!".  But no, they don't get it ,,, and neither did I before it was my turn, and it's ok.  It's insane, it's crazy, and it's so BEAUTIFULLY RIGHT.  I am EXACTLY where I need to be, doing EXACTLY what I need to be doing.  I cry every day, not from pain or fear, just from knowing that I am finally, at last, getting it.  I finally get it.