More observations

It's been an interesting week since that last post, much has been going on and I'm learning to trust my own judgement about things.

One opportunity was to take a Teach The Hormone Cure class from Sara Gottfried MD, the author of The Hormone Cure.  Definitely something I want to do, but it's fairly pricey and not in the budget right now.   Hopefully it will be offered again, as I do think I'm narrowing in on the audience that I wish to market my health consulting services to, and it's women at a certain age in life, like me.  Women who are experiencing either some pre-menopause or menopause symptoms but want to treat their body as gently as possible (i.e. no synthetic hormones) and having this certification will enable me to market to that audience.

And the compiler (lead author) of the book I'm co-authoring invited me to take part in a series of virtual retreats starting in June.  Basically it would be one weekend each month where I and others would be offering online workshops for people to pick and choose from.  I love the idea, love the opportunity, but again the timing just isn't right for me.

And now feeling really glad I didn't jump on either of these, from a financial perspective, as I learned today I need a new hot water heater.  Heavy sigh.  Not cheap at $1400.  But the blessing is (and it's important for me to see the blessings in things) I do have the money, it's not the dead of winter and it's really just an inconvenience more than anything else.  But had I spent money on those workshops, I'd be feeling much more stressed about this than I am.  Everything happens for a reason.

Had a really nice Easter weekend.  Went with a group of women to cook & serve dinner to the resident kids at Denver Children's Home.  Sweet kids who've been through more in their young lives than I can ever fathom.  Then yesterday went to a church service (too intense for me, very bible-based) and had a lovely brunch at a friends house.  Her home is so lovely and she has such a nice big family, I thought I might come home and feel lonely & sad for being alone, but I really didn't.  I relish my quiet time, I know not everyone would but I do.   All in all a nice weekend.  A little sadness as I realized once again that some friendships are just not going to survive this transformation I'm going through.  That's a tough one to accept, but I can't go back to who I was so I guess it just is what it is.  Sounds trite, and I definitely don't mean it that way.

What I know

So after a week and weekend of intense closet purging, purging some limiting beliefs, bike riding, dog walking and seeing old friends,  here's a few things that I know for sure (aka things I believe):

1.  Owning far more than we need or can ever use is not healthy
2.  Trying to fill our spiritual emptiness with things like clothes or other addictions is futile.
3.  Once I started filling that hole inside myself with a belief in my higher power, aka God, I stopped feeling such a sense of lack in my life.
4.  I have some work to do with the emotion of anger ... recognizing it, processing it, letting it go.
5.  Fear about the future is nothing but paralyzing, it serves no value or purpose.
6.  I need to get padded bike shorts (ouch)
7.  I'd rather spend time walking in nature with just my dogs than with 95% of the people in this world.
8.  Friendships wax and wane, like any other relationship.  Even ones which have existed for decades can change or even fade, but the love remains, regardless.
9.  Cold and snow after days of temps in the 70's kinda sucks.

That is all ... for now

Addictions

Boy, I'm still wrestling with this part of my personality.  This morning, I left an AA meeting, feeling perfectly even keeled, went to Whole Foods and bought a morning bun.  If you don't know what those are, and there's really no reason you should, they are a spiral rolled, doughy & yeasty baked flour & sugar bun that is kind of crispy on the outside, soft & mushy as you get closer to the middle, and glazed with orange flavor.  One of the yummiest things on the planet in my opinion.  And I sat in my car in the parking lot and just inhaled all of it, enjoying the pleasure it brought to my mouth.  All the while telling myself I would NOT eat the whole thing.  

Why this is hitting an addiction for me is that I KNOW eating that bun is going to put me in pain & misery later ,,, I can NOT digest wheat flour and sugar is like poison in my body.  I'll be in the bathroom all night, doubled over in pain and plagued with diarrhea.  So, knowing this will be the outcome, why do I do things like that??  Is it as simple as just wanting to enjoy the pleasurable taste sensations?  If it were, wouldn't I be able to stop at half and not wolf down the whole thing, stuffing it in my mouth as fast as possible, before reason could take over?  I don't think so ... food, especially food that isn't good FOR me but tastes good TO me, is one of my addictions.  And evidently, unlike alcohol & cocaine, this is one I still haven't surrendered my powerlessness over.  More to be revealed.

Book chapter

My book chapter is done, and I feel SO good about it!!  I finished it last night, sent it to the compiler (like a project manager) for review.  I thought I felt good about what I wrote the first go round, but this is totally different and, in my opinion, truly good, profoundly meaningful.  I felt last night, and still feel this morning, an energy that is new to me.  It feels calm & peaceful, but at the same time like something is about to explode, in a good way.  Like there's something just under the surface that is waiting to get out.  I'm feeling very excited and energized!!

Nails are completely off, learning to type again with my own fingertips.  I'm loving it ,,, there's a whole list of things I haven't been able to do well for years now with those fingernails on.  And here's the thing I've discovered once I got them off -- I wore them for decades because in my opinion my hands were ugly without them.  I formed that opinion at a time in my life when I was pretty full of self loathing, and in all these years I never thought to question it.  So once I got them all off last week, I realized I really like my own hands, just like they are.  I'd say that means all my self-work in the last year has made an impact on me.  Self acceptance is so amazing, such a gift ... life changing.

I'm excited about tomorrow, I'm going to something called I Can Do It, an all day conference with many motivational speakers and authors with Hay House Publishing, started by Louise Hay.  I actually get to see Louise, and several others whose books I've read and learned so much from.

Cheers.

On my mind

So a couple of things are on my mind tonite.

One is this ... I do know in my heart that in time, God will reveal to me what my life's purpose and passion is about and how I'm going to make a living from all these experiences.  Don't get me wrong, I'm financially ok today and for several more today's.  But a  year from now I might not be feeling that way, and in all honesty what I'm living off of would have been a fabulous retirement if/when I got to that point.  But I am grateful that God is allowing me this time to figure things out, and to give His plans for me time to be revealed.  And 95% of the time I walk on Faith, taking one day at a time, and trusting the process.  But sometimes, like today for some reason, I let fear walk alongside me and it's voice gets in my head a little bit.

And that brings me to the other thing on my mind, and that is this lesson I believe I'm learning, or that  God is trying to teach me, about shutting out and shutting down the voices of the world around me and tuning into what's in my own heart & mind, which I believe is the voice of God.  This is what keeps coming through to me, and every time I start getting too caught up in what I call "general beliefs" I feel like I'm not ok the way I am, that I should be doing something different.  But it's those feelings that were why I drank, and that certainly didn't work out very well.

I'm still figuring out what it is about my book chapter that needs work, if it even does.  We've gotten more guidance on what the book and it's stories are meant to convey, so that helps.  And I don't feel deflated anymore by the feedback I've gotten.  I know for a fact that it was NOT meant to come across as critical, and intent is what really matters.

So, my pink & white acrylic nails are coming off today.  It's been a long time coming, and while it seems like just a cosmetic change, it's so much more than that.  These nails have been a big part of my inability to accept myself, and my hands lol, for who I am.  They've been on for decades, and I truly believed I was unattractive without them.  Now, getting rid of them feels so liberating and I'm so ready to be done with all that maintenance, time & money spent on upkeep.  One less stressful thing to fill my life with, one more step in accepting myself for who I am.  PLUS, I'm sitting here typing with my own fingertips, which I haven't done in soooo long, it feels kind of weird but really, really good.  Maybe this is indicative that I'll be writing more.  :-)

Deflated

So I finally finished my chapter last weekend, the first actual draft anyway.  I felt so proud of what I had come out with, and sent it off to a few friends to read and give me feedback.  It's more than just some story though, it's MY story, it's me.   It feels so personal when someone critiques it but I asked for feedback, I need to be able to take it or I shouldn't ask for it.  But I have to confess, I'm feeling a little deflated over the whole process now.  Thankfully, the deadline has been extended to the 31st so I have some time.

I am SO excited that the house across the street from me is under contract after being on the market for 3 days, at a price that is really exciting.  I'm feeling so energized at the idea of getting my house ready to sell next year.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my house, but I do NOT love living in Aurora, I just don't.  No idea where I do want to live right now, but that will come in time as well.  I'm excited to move forward, but I will be sad to leave my house.  That house has been, by the far, the happiest home I've had since my father died 38 years ago.  I knew I would live there the minute I walked in, it's like the house was just waiting for me.  Every time I walk in, I feel that sense of "ahhhhhh" like I can exhale, all is well.  I'm sure Milo will be gone by the time I leave, and that will make 3 dogs I've said good bye to in that house, as well as recuperated from cancer, had lots of parties/holiday gatherings in, and so much, much more.  But I have NO doubt that my next home will be just as welcoming and feel just as good ... and who knows, maybe I won't be there by myself. :-)

What is this?

I know what I'm feeling today, just not sure at all why.  Feeling very lonely, sad and fatigued, extremely fatigued.  I feel like some weight sits on me and I have no idea what that's about.  It's like I'm supposed to be doing something different, something in particular, God's waiting for me to figure it out, but I just don't see it.  Weird & frustrating feeling.  Makes me want to just crawl back into my bed, hibernate and pretend this day never happened.  Know what I mean, or is that odd?

So the chapter writing is going really well, AND best of all we've been given an extension on our deadline.  Not sure what that is just yet, but I'm super thankful.  This is quite a process, it's like I'm trying to birth something here.  It's fascinating, and exhausting. Perhaps that's the connection to what/how I'm feeling today (lightbulb appears over head).  With all that's happened in the last 3 years, I've never written it all down in one cohesive manner, let alone honed it all down to something significant, a deeper meaning.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I've thought ALOT about the deeper message in these life events, but thinking about it and writing about it in a way that has meaning for someone else are two entirely different things my friends.  It's almost like some entirely new and amazing thought is waiting to pop out of my writing efforts.  I can't even tell you how dramatically different the story looks each time I get done writing, it gets better, sharper, clearer. So cool, and did I say exhausting? lol.

On the food front, I had some food tolerance testing done a few months back and one food in particular came back as a "Danger Will Robinson"type, aka a "red food" (pretty much means don't eat it until you've totally healed your gut, which I evidently haven't), and that is rice.  Other red foods were coconut and cinnamon, which I've been able to eat small amounts of lately.  But rice,,,, man every time I try just a little bit my poor GI system is in pain.  It does NOT work well in my body, and I've had a little rice over the past 24-48 hours and I'm really feeling it today.  Physically just not doing so well,,, another reason why crawling back into bed sounds like a really fabulous idea.

Will I go back to bed?  Will I write more this afternoon and continue this birthing process, or just rest and watch True Blood reruns?  lol stay tuned ....