Title: Untitled

I've gotten away from posting here again, it's been an odd couple of weeks.  I've been feeling so aimless and adrift again, kind of lost in my own head without a clear direction.  I always wonder if everyone feels like this as much as I do, or if it's because of something within me, maybe part of my recovery from a lifetime of drinking instead of feeling.

Anyway, I haven't been feeling very good physically again.  Having more of the ongoing gut issues that plague a colon-cancer survivor, and that affects every other area of my body, including brain function.  I feel like mentally I am about half-here lately, it's kind of frustrating.  Hormones are kind of all over the place and probably will be for a while.  But I'm excited about a new healer that I've been turned onto who uses the practice of Healing Touch.  I'll share more once I've met with her, and that's coming up in the next two weeks.   I believe, and I touched on this somewhat in In Pursuit of The Divine, that our physical issues are a result of unresolved emotional trauma, and I've had a bit of that (sarcastic).

In the meantime, I'm pushing through my fog and finishing up some homework for my life coaching. Coming up with an essence statement, who am I and what is my purpose.  It might sound easy, and possibly for some it is, but it's been difficult for me.  Almost like another rebirth, similar to how it felt when I was writing my book chapter.  I keep feeling myself distracted, wanting to go do other things.

And I'm really missing Milo again lately.  He wasn't a noisy dog per se, but he had such a presence that my house feels uncomfortably quiet without him here.

I told my life coach last week that I'd do something this week that exhilarates me ,,, excites & scares me at the same time (that's how I define exhilaration).  Still haven't quite figured out what that is, but I've been very willing to think about it.  That counts, right? ;-)

Be well peeps!

Post-YL Convention

Haven't posted since before my trip to Salt Lake last week, it was a very busy week.

I drove to SLC Monday the 23rd - I keep thinking that trip is only about 8-9 hours but it's really more like 11.  Uneventful trip out there, which is always good.  Enjoyed the solitude of the drive though, listening to the latest adventures of Jamie & Claire (aka the Outlander series of books), letting my mind wander and loving the freedom of making as many bathroom stops as I wanted to without comment from a companion (I pee a LOT).  :-)

The convention itself was good, and I learned a few things, although not as much as last year.  Probably more because I was just an empty bucket when I went last year,  in need of so much information that it all felt new and helpful.  But it was GREAT to see two dear friends who I went to Health Coaching school with, although we never got a picture of the three of us. :-(

I'm still absorbing what I learned from Dr. LeAnne Deardeuff, whom I had a consult with while there on ways to treat some of the ongoing cancer/surgery/chemo-related issues I still deal with.  She had some helpful suggestions, several of which I have ordered the supplies to implement, and a couple I know won't work for me.  She also had some suggestions on how to get my hormones in balance.

Now I'm back, and feeling it's time to get a little more committed to putting together a career out of what's happened to me over the last 3 years.  I'm so thankful to be working with Kami, my life coach, who is helping me peel away the layers so I can focus on what's important and real.  I think I'm getting a little closer, and starting to feel some focus & clarity.  I will be interviewing and hiring a virtual assistant to help me with some of the technology issues that intimidate and overwhelm me, because that's keeping me from taking any steps forward.

I want to write and get paid for it.  I want to help other women listen to their own inner voices and hear their heart speak to them, as I have/am learning to do.  I want to be a healer, I know I have that in me, just not 100% sure what that looks like, but I'm starting to see it.  God is guiding me, that I know for sure.

That's it for now, more very soon.  I woke up with an epiphany this morning that feels life changing, and exhilarating!

Hugs to you all.

Gratitude

Today I am so full of gratitude for a huge list of things.

I'm grateful for all the love I have ever received, and all the love I reached for but didn't receive, and all the love I will receive in the future.

I'm grateful for all the people in my life now, the people no longer in my life and the people who will come into my life in the future.

I'm grateful for the friendships I enjoy now, the ones which were once bright but are now fading away and the ones still to develop and grow.

I am grateful for the service I have done to date, that which I will do in the future and all the missed chances for service that I later regretted, as I know those regrets serve me as well.

And I am grateful for the love I will give, have given and never got to give.  For the lives I was able to be part of, the friend that I have been and the friend I never got to be, and all the service that was done on my behalf.

I'm grateful for all the animals who have blessed me with their love.  I'm grateful for all the homes that have sheltered me, and especially for the one I have now.

Theres a lot more, but these are the biggies.  Sometimes I get caught up in what I don't have and lose sight of all that I have to be grateful for.

Changes ...

I wish getting sober was just a matter of not drinking ... it's not just that, it's so much more.  It is the biggest change I have ever been through or ever will go through.  And it is a very isolating feeling when people you once thought knew you and loved you, can't see/don't care how big this is.  After 18 months of being in recovery, I can see why alcoholics hang out with other alcoholics ,,, there's an ease there that can be hard to find with others.

First of all, to those of you who can take or leave that next drink, who once you've had one there's no triggered craving for more, and more, and more still,  I envy you.  That's not what happens when alcohol hits my blood, and at times I wish you could know how this feels.  I wish I knew how it felt to be you too.  

But the craving for more once I take a drink isn't all there is to it ... in fact I don't crave the drink anymore at all.  But what happens once I take away that coping mechanism, that way of numbing, celebrating, socializing  - is that I have to find new ways of doing those things, feeling those emotions.  I have to actually FEEL my feelings, unfiltered and honest, which might sound odd to those of you who never felt your emotions (good AND bad) through a filter of alcohol.  But I rarely, if ever, processed things that way before, so I'm having to learn how now.  It's not always fun or easy,  and it's brand new to me, so I am still learning and not always doing it "right".   And accepting myself for just who I am, no longer believing that alcohol turns me into the more fun, more social or sexier version of me - well, this is also new and at times a bit uncomfortable. 

I'm 51 years old,  and when I peer back through the years of my life, it's somewhat hazy and vague.  Some memories are clear and sharp, many are not.   The reason for that is, quite simply, I have blacked out to some degree every single time I've drank alcohol.  A blackout is nothing more, or less, than a complete memory loss.  Whether its the loss of an hour or several hours, the loss is complete and it never returns - it's like a blank space in my mind. Add up 34+ years of that, and you have an idea of what my mind feels like.  It is hard to accept sometimes, but acceptance is all there is now.  That too is often uncomfortable, but there's also peace in no longer denying what I know to be true. 

And I thought the mental image of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly fit the changes I went through as I recovered from cancer treatment.  I can safely say that metamorphosis didn't even compare to the one I'm going through as I recover from a lifetime of pain & self-deception, aka alcoholism.  

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Amen.  

Entitlement

So I just have to share my observation ,,, at the bottom of the highway offramp I take to get home, there are always people asking for monetary assistance.  I drive a nice car, which is paid for and I bought it used ,,, nevertheless, when some people see my car approaching, they stand there with their sign, staring at me.  As if to say "you have a nice car, you must have money, please give me some", which I sometimes do, without judgement or criticism.  But when I get these looks, as I did today, like "you should be ashamed you didn't give me money", it gets on my nerves.  And this look from a man who doesn't look disabled in any way, had on new-looking, well-fitting, clean clothes, good shoes, nice sunglasses, etc.  What the hell??!!

Fabulous Friday!

It's Friday once again, which is fabulous in and of itself, still after all these years.  Friday has always been my very favorite day, and even though I'm not currently doing the M-F 9-5 gig, it still is.  I get kind of giddy when I wake up and realize what day it is.  Love that.

Posting this from my patio, pictured here:

I think I've spoken ad-nauseum about my patio before, so I'll spare you that again today, just wanted you to see it.  :-)

Been an interesting week.  The man I went on a date with that was awesome, followed that up with a date that was not awesome at all, ending it by telling me he really just wants to be "friends".  Came out of left field, wasn't expecting that and it bruised my ego a bit.  It also made me feel awkward, mostly because I'm sober, I am striving to be honest & authentic, which I have little-no experience with.  In truth, I don't think it would have gone much of anywhere as we have very different values ... mine being more of a spiritual/democrat/scorpio kind and his being a very christian/republican/taurus kind.  Not a match made in heaven for sure.  But we had one really lovely evening so I'm just going to fondly remember that and keep moving forward.

My book, In Pursuit of the Divine: Written Stories to Empower a Woman's Soul hit #1 in the Happiness category on Amazon earlier this week, which is very exciting!!!  Several friends have received their copy and have been touched by one, if not many, stories in there so that is also very exciting and rewarding to hear.

Fear is creeping in again a little bit, around whether my money will last until I get some kind of business up and running.  I don't think it's a realistic fear, but I seem to be spending money like it's water right now.  Not wasting, spending ,,, that's important for me to remember and remind myself of.  I also go through this little script in my head, telling myself that I've always had every single thing I need, there's no reason to believe God brought me this far to abandon me now.  It helps, most of the time.  Being really present to the moment I'm in also helps, and not comparing my life to anyone else's life.

I am beginning to get really excited about my upcoming trip to Salt Lake City.  I'll get to see some of my dear friends, learn a lot more about using essential oils, and I'm getting to meet face to face with the woman who has written several books on hormones and using the oils.  My hope is that she can help guide me towards a path of endocrine health using the oils exclusively.  I've been heading in that direction for some time now, but still holding onto more traditional ways and I think the Universe is trying to shift my focus.

Guess I better go hop in the shower - kind of loath to leave this calm, peaceful space, it's so quiet right now, I love it.  Happy Friday peeps! <3

I Feel So Alone

This is a poem I wrote a couple of years ago, post-cancer but before sobriety.  I was obviously feeling so lost, but somehow also knowing that a bigger purpose was unfolding.  I'm finding it still resonates to some degree with where I am today, although I don't feel nearly as lost, "aimless and adrift".

I Feel So Alone

I feel so alone, but am I?

Spinning, drowning, aimless and adrift 

No sense of purpose, but is that the gift?

Who I once was, is she no longer here?

Can I accept what is now, walk through this fear?

At times my life feels empty,

And so riddled with doubt 

This new me…

I don't know, what is she all about?

All alone in my head

My soul cries out for reasons

All the questions, never ending,

Like what my purpose for being is. 

Faith, I have plenty

A bigger plan I know is in store 

I don't regret what's been asked,

But must there always be more? 

A purpose and direction are what I now seek, 

A new compass, a focus, 

To feel my heart wildly beat

My soul, my spirit,

Am I them, are they me?

I feel so alone, but am I...truly?