Today

We got one helluva snow storm here in Denver yesterday, digging out today.  Wow, a lot of snow ,,, probably got about 8-13" around here, hard to tell with all the drifts. 

Took a little break from my posts, felt like I haven't had much of anything positive to say in a while.  And maybe that's ok, maybe this blog doesn't always need to be positive.  My intent is to be real and honest in this space, partly because it helps me and I suspect that in doing so, I might help someone else one day.  I don't really promote this blog much, I figure if someone lands here they were meant to.  At least that's my take on things for now.

I've been reading (well listening technically) some great books lately, all kind of simultaneously, depending on what resonates with me at the moment and what I feel I need to hear.  Joel Osteen's I Declare, Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now, Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life and Geneen Roth's Women Food and God.  All really great books, beautiful teachers and I do feel I'm absorbing what I need to when I need it.  I have read The Four Agreements several times now, and feel that one requires repetition as well in order to become part of me. 

I've been feeling a little burdened lately, wasn't sure why that was.  My friend Kris suggested it's the burden of just plain feeling, something I probably haven't done much of without numbing myself.  I suspect she is right on target, as it really resonated with me. 

Haven't hit an AA meeting in a couple days, probably need that about now. 

Sunday

So it's kind of crazy, the things that come to you as you're sobering up.  Yes, it's physically just a matter of getting the drugs out of your system, but man, it's wayyyy more than just that. 

I read this book called Drinking: A Love Story and it was like reading about my own life.  A "high functioning alcoholic", that's what they call people who drink like I do.  Rarely if ever get sloppy drunk, so that anyone notices, and only drink a few in front of other people.  Most of my drinking was done here at home, once in a while in the car.  Never got arrested or a DUI, never hurt anyone or wrecked my car.  Appearances are, and were, everything.  This is all so eye opening, I have so many damn mini epiphanies a day it's flat out exhausting. 

Having one of those days that starts out good, or so I thought, but it seems like everyone and everything is irritating me today, irrationally.  Getting frustrated and angry over things like my ipod not working right, or that my smoothie this morning turned out yucky.  Irritated over little things people are saying on Facebook, or what they're not saying.  Hey, I said it was irrational.  Intended to go for a walk, but since my damn ipod isn't cooperating, I don't feel like walking without it.  And it's windy, yeah, that always puts me in a foul mood too.  I've had days like this before, when I was drinking, but that's the thing, I'd be drinking right now.  I'd have a glass of wine sitting here beside me on the desk as I type, a HUGE glass of wine I might add.  And you could definitely tell when my thoughts started to change with the drink.  That's what the author of Drinking calls it, The Drink.  Not booze, or alcohol, or "my addiction", she calls it The Drink.  I thought that was interesting, different. 

Also planned to go to an AA meeting today, a new one I hadn't been to before.  But on the way home from church (another irritant, not sure why I went, the message didn't seem to have meaning for me today at all, that rarely happens), I talked myself out of going.  Not sure why. 

Here's an interesting thing ,,, I'm finding it hard to verbalize about much of anything lately, either on here, on Facebook, in conversations with friends, that isn't related to either AA, me sobering up or all these crazy emotions and feelings I'm having.  I'm not talking to my friends much right now, just don't really feel like I have much to say.  This is so BIG in my life, this feels like all there is for me right now.  Yeah, so that's all I've got today. 

Day 39

No real significance to day 39, but I'm trying to embody what everyone keeps telling me, that "staying sober for 37/38/39 days is HUGE, give yourself a lot of credit".   So I'm trying to let that sink in and recognize that it really is huge, especially knowing how much of a struggle it is right now.  It's funny, once you are sober for more than a few days, you see things so differently.  Especially when every cell in your body is fighting you, wanting what it's used to and your brain is telling you, for the gazillionth time, that this time you WILL be able to just have one drink, that this time you WILL be able to control it.  It's like I'm two people these days, one is my inner wisdom and the other is the addict that I have become, the alcoholic I am.  Man, that's just so damn tough to admit, acknowledge, own.  But I have these constant conversations with myself (not outloud, don't call the mental hospital on me just yet), and somehow that's kind of reassuring.  I feel my inner wisdom self knows I will make it through this, that one day I'll be living a more easily-sober life.  But right now, my addict self just knows I want to drink, want to numb out and disappear into the person I become when I'm drinking.  Someone who doesn't have to, nor wants to, see what's really happening, see what my shortcomings really are and how to be truly happy.  Happiness is in that bottle, comfort and euphoria are in that bottle.  At a meeting today someone said being a sober alcoholic sucks more than being a drinking alcoholic.  Man, I really related to that. 

And here's why that really sucks ,,, when you are an addict, and trying to fight your addiction -  whether it be booze, drugs, food, sex, whatever - it is like walking into a really strong wind all day, every day.  It would be so much easier to just turn around, feel the wind at your back, give in and let it take over.  Your every thought, every action, every plan for your future (next hour, day, week, etc) is around how to avoid the triggers that weaken your resolve, including certain people, favorite places and activities, ways of coping and being entertained.  Nothing is the same, you have to always remain vigilant and on guard, especially at this point in my sobriety.  I have no skills around living sober yet, no strength built up over time for what to do with myself during times when I used to drink.  My sponsor, E, said I need to find other ways of "rewarding" myself, like I used to with alcohol (e.g. I'd work out/run errands/clean the house/get the car washed/answer emails and then have a cocktail or ten).  I suppose she's right, it would help for sure, but right now nothing's occurring to me. 

In the meantime, I am noticing that I have this sort of wide eyed wonder at the world, the people in it, my place in it, and the relationships I have.  In sort of a good way, I was a solitary drinker and what's good about that is that I didn't have friends who were really nothing more than drinking buddies.  I sit in these AA meetings and hear about people who thought they had friends until they sobered up, and then everyone disappeared.  My friends are still with me, and I believe they always will be.  Some of them don't know what to say to me right now, or how to support and love me through this, but over time as I get more comfortable with my own sobriety, I can help them with that.  Right now, I just have to focus on what I need to get through this day, sober, and let tomorrow handle it itself until I can broaden my focus.  And that's ok, that's fine. 

Martyr

Really interesting word, martyr.  Websters says this:  Noun -  A person who makes a great sacrifice for the sake of principle OR A great or constant sufferer.  I've recently been wondering what it is that makes some of us embody this in our own lives, or more to the point, why I embody this.  I have my whole life, and why?  I don't know.  It was recently suggested there is a light side of being a martyr, and a dark side ,,, one where the sacrifice benefits no one and only hurts me.  So that is something for me to ponder and sit with for a while.

Another thing I'm pondering is why I can't get rid of this overwhelming headache today.  No I haven't taken anything, but I tried coffee, that made it worse.  Have drank more water already than I often do all day, not helping.  Peppermint oil on my temples twice now takes the edge off but then it comes back.  Might have to break down and take something. 

Interesting day, much to think about and ponder.  I'ma go ponder now ...

Attention span ,,,

In short, I don't seem to have one these days.  Seems like every morning lately I wake up, first ask myself "am I sober?".  Yes, awesome.  "Do I remember yesterday, all of it?".  Yes, awesome.  Then I start thinking about everything I really should be, or need to be, or must be doing at this time of my life.  The list gets longer every day and looks something like this (in no particular order):

• Get caught up on school
• Stay sober
• Lose weight
• Exercise more
• Stay sober
• Finish website and create marketing materials for my business
• Figure out how to be a health coach with my own business
• Stay sober
• Be nicer to myself
• Stay sober
• Take the dogs for a walk and be a better person
• Clean up my office
• Stay sober
• Figure out why everyone I've ever met doesn't like me, examine character flaws and change them
• Be nicer to myself
• Thin out my closet
• Lose weight
• Be nicer to myself
• Stay sober
• Stop daily potato chip habit
• Be a better person
• Stay sober

How in the hell does a person get anything done when that's their daily to do list??  So, when I think of all that (and there's more that I'm forgetting at the moment), I just get overwhelmed.  There was a time when, if feeling overwhelmed, I would tell myself that I'd get one or two of those things done then I'd take myself out for lunch or dinner and have some drinks, or I'd get a few things done, grab a shower and settle in for the night with a few drinks.  Now, a few to me and a few to you may not be the same thing.  I've never started out with the intention of getting drunk, in fact I have often stood in judgement of people who say "hey man, let's go out and get druuuuuunk off our asses tonight", saying "yeah, I don't do that, I just have a few drinks".  A few drinks, every night, every week, every month, for decades.  A few drinks until I black out and have no memory the next day of what I did, said, where I was or often, how the hell I got home. 

For the last few days, when I get overwhelmed like that, I take myself to an AA meeting.  Like I'm my own sponsor sometimes ,,, part of me is going "man, i just, i just don't know what to do with myself and i've spent the last two hours not knowing what to do with myself".  This other part of me says "put your shoes on, we're going to a meeting".  Today, I shared and like everytime I've done that so far, I started crying.  Truth is, I'm really struggling right now ,,, I don't just want to drink, I want to disappear into that numbness, that euphoria.  It's what I've done for years now.  No I've never been arrested, gotten a DUI or hurt anyone,,, by the absolute grace of God.  I am watched day and night by angels, this I know for sure.  Angels who seem to know I'm worth more even when I don't, who know that I'll figure this out sooner if I don't hurt anyone in the process.  So my goal for today is to not drink, and somedays that just has to be enough.  My bigger goal for now is to talk at a meeting without crying (ok this blog site doesn't correct my spelling I'm noticing, might have to fire it lol).  I know I'll get there, and everytime I open my mouth (which scares the bejesus out of me) to speak, and after I recover from the shock of hearing myself say "I'm Allita, i'm an alcoholic", my voice starts to quiver and the tears start.  But hell, I'm only at 37 days sober today, I've got a looooooong way to go.  Other than when I was in the hospital, I've never stayed sober this long on purpose.  And it's hard, and I'm angry and full of resentment that on top of everything else, I now have to deal with this.  But what I also know for sure, is I'm right where I need to be, have needed to be for a couple decades now, but I finally got it.  And I know if I ran 26.2 miles in the freezing rain, survived colon cancer, 3 surgeries and 8 rounds of ass-kicking chemo, not to mention surgical menopause, the loss of my child, both my parents and my marriage ,,, I can survive this too.  Not just survive, but come out the other side one of these days and look back on who I am now, and who I was when I was drinking, and know without a doubt what I'm made of, capable of and what's inside me.  And I'm so grateful ,,, we say that a lot in AA, but it's true.  I have so much to be grateful and thankful for, and I am, beyond the words to express it.  My blessings are huge, and I give thanks for them every single day.