Day 39

No real significance to day 39, but I'm trying to embody what everyone keeps telling me, that "staying sober for 37/38/39 days is HUGE, give yourself a lot of credit".   So I'm trying to let that sink in and recognize that it really is huge, especially knowing how much of a struggle it is right now.  It's funny, once you are sober for more than a few days, you see things so differently.  Especially when every cell in your body is fighting you, wanting what it's used to and your brain is telling you, for the gazillionth time, that this time you WILL be able to just have one drink, that this time you WILL be able to control it.  It's like I'm two people these days, one is my inner wisdom and the other is the addict that I have become, the alcoholic I am.  Man, that's just so damn tough to admit, acknowledge, own.  But I have these constant conversations with myself (not outloud, don't call the mental hospital on me just yet), and somehow that's kind of reassuring.  I feel my inner wisdom self knows I will make it through this, that one day I'll be living a more easily-sober life.  But right now, my addict self just knows I want to drink, want to numb out and disappear into the person I become when I'm drinking.  Someone who doesn't have to, nor wants to, see what's really happening, see what my shortcomings really are and how to be truly happy.  Happiness is in that bottle, comfort and euphoria are in that bottle.  At a meeting today someone said being a sober alcoholic sucks more than being a drinking alcoholic.  Man, I really related to that. 

And here's why that really sucks ,,, when you are an addict, and trying to fight your addiction -  whether it be booze, drugs, food, sex, whatever - it is like walking into a really strong wind all day, every day.  It would be so much easier to just turn around, feel the wind at your back, give in and let it take over.  Your every thought, every action, every plan for your future (next hour, day, week, etc) is around how to avoid the triggers that weaken your resolve, including certain people, favorite places and activities, ways of coping and being entertained.  Nothing is the same, you have to always remain vigilant and on guard, especially at this point in my sobriety.  I have no skills around living sober yet, no strength built up over time for what to do with myself during times when I used to drink.  My sponsor, E, said I need to find other ways of "rewarding" myself, like I used to with alcohol (e.g. I'd work out/run errands/clean the house/get the car washed/answer emails and then have a cocktail or ten).  I suppose she's right, it would help for sure, but right now nothing's occurring to me. 

In the meantime, I am noticing that I have this sort of wide eyed wonder at the world, the people in it, my place in it, and the relationships I have.  In sort of a good way, I was a solitary drinker and what's good about that is that I didn't have friends who were really nothing more than drinking buddies.  I sit in these AA meetings and hear about people who thought they had friends until they sobered up, and then everyone disappeared.  My friends are still with me, and I believe they always will be.  Some of them don't know what to say to me right now, or how to support and love me through this, but over time as I get more comfortable with my own sobriety, I can help them with that.  Right now, I just have to focus on what I need to get through this day, sober, and let tomorrow handle it itself until I can broaden my focus.  And that's ok, that's fine.