Attention span ,,,

In short, I don't seem to have one these days.  Seems like every morning lately I wake up, first ask myself "am I sober?".  Yes, awesome.  "Do I remember yesterday, all of it?".  Yes, awesome.  Then I start thinking about everything I really should be, or need to be, or must be doing at this time of my life.  The list gets longer every day and looks something like this (in no particular order):

• Get caught up on school
• Stay sober
• Lose weight
• Exercise more
• Stay sober
• Finish website and create marketing materials for my business
• Figure out how to be a health coach with my own business
• Stay sober
• Be nicer to myself
• Stay sober
• Take the dogs for a walk and be a better person
• Clean up my office
• Stay sober
• Figure out why everyone I've ever met doesn't like me, examine character flaws and change them
• Be nicer to myself
• Thin out my closet
• Lose weight
• Be nicer to myself
• Stay sober
• Stop daily potato chip habit
• Be a better person
• Stay sober

How in the hell does a person get anything done when that's their daily to do list??  So, when I think of all that (and there's more that I'm forgetting at the moment), I just get overwhelmed.  There was a time when, if feeling overwhelmed, I would tell myself that I'd get one or two of those things done then I'd take myself out for lunch or dinner and have some drinks, or I'd get a few things done, grab a shower and settle in for the night with a few drinks.  Now, a few to me and a few to you may not be the same thing.  I've never started out with the intention of getting drunk, in fact I have often stood in judgement of people who say "hey man, let's go out and get druuuuuunk off our asses tonight", saying "yeah, I don't do that, I just have a few drinks".  A few drinks, every night, every week, every month, for decades.  A few drinks until I black out and have no memory the next day of what I did, said, where I was or often, how the hell I got home. 

For the last few days, when I get overwhelmed like that, I take myself to an AA meeting.  Like I'm my own sponsor sometimes ,,, part of me is going "man, i just, i just don't know what to do with myself and i've spent the last two hours not knowing what to do with myself".  This other part of me says "put your shoes on, we're going to a meeting".  Today, I shared and like everytime I've done that so far, I started crying.  Truth is, I'm really struggling right now ,,, I don't just want to drink, I want to disappear into that numbness, that euphoria.  It's what I've done for years now.  No I've never been arrested, gotten a DUI or hurt anyone,,, by the absolute grace of God.  I am watched day and night by angels, this I know for sure.  Angels who seem to know I'm worth more even when I don't, who know that I'll figure this out sooner if I don't hurt anyone in the process.  So my goal for today is to not drink, and somedays that just has to be enough.  My bigger goal for now is to talk at a meeting without crying (ok this blog site doesn't correct my spelling I'm noticing, might have to fire it lol).  I know I'll get there, and everytime I open my mouth (which scares the bejesus out of me) to speak, and after I recover from the shock of hearing myself say "I'm Allita, i'm an alcoholic", my voice starts to quiver and the tears start.  But hell, I'm only at 37 days sober today, I've got a looooooong way to go.  Other than when I was in the hospital, I've never stayed sober this long on purpose.  And it's hard, and I'm angry and full of resentment that on top of everything else, I now have to deal with this.  But what I also know for sure, is I'm right where I need to be, have needed to be for a couple decades now, but I finally got it.  And I know if I ran 26.2 miles in the freezing rain, survived colon cancer, 3 surgeries and 8 rounds of ass-kicking chemo, not to mention surgical menopause, the loss of my child, both my parents and my marriage ,,, I can survive this too.  Not just survive, but come out the other side one of these days and look back on who I am now, and who I was when I was drinking, and know without a doubt what I'm made of, capable of and what's inside me.  And I'm so grateful ,,, we say that a lot in AA, but it's true.  I have so much to be grateful and thankful for, and I am, beyond the words to express it.  My blessings are huge, and I give thanks for them every single day.