Rough days ...

Having a really, really rough day today.  It's day 25 of being sober, and I just wish I could sort out all these feelings and emotions.  So many at one time I don't know what to do with myself.  I've spent the last hour doing nothing but wandering into a room thinking I should do something, then I wander back to another room and just sit there, staring outside.  I feel like I've entered someone else's body, someone else's life.  Not that I want my old one back, I really don't.  Well, parts of it I do.  Things seemed so clear, so easy, when I was drinking.  I knew what to do when I felt this way ,,, I'd just drink, all was well then.  It wasn't really, I do see that now in hindsight but at the time it sure felt that way.

Went to an AA meeting at noon, that was good,,, I guess.  So far my AA meetings have been with my "friend" P.  I put it in quotes because we used to date, I think he thinks we're still dating, and I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing.  It's been comforting to attend these meetings with someone I know, someone I knew when he was drinking, when we drank together, and whom I admire and respect for what he's gone through and how far he's come.  But what I need right  now, and frankly all I have the capacity for, is someone to truly be there for me.  And he either doesn't get it, doesn't know how or can't, or, and I hate thinking this, doesn't really want to.  In the end it doesn't matter which of those applies, he just isn't there for me the way I need him to be.  M ysobriety is the most important thing right now, and if I'm being selfish by needing what I need, then so be it.  But it was so good to talk to him about these crazy feelings, I felt like he got it. 

Since we're on the topic of me at the moment (I say partly tongue in cheek), I feel an odd seperation or distance lately with some of my other friends too.  Entirely possible that I'm being overly sensitive, or overly focused on me and thinking that everyone's lives revolve around me.  Maybe I want them too, lol.  Only partly kidding. 

On a somewhat more positive note, I think I've found a sponsor.  A fellow cancer survivor, E.  The offer was made, I took it. 

Having  a rough gut day too.  Have done so much damage to my gut with ibuprofen (AND alcohol)  over the last 7-8 years that I'm laying off it completely.  Trouble is, I'm getting these intense abdominal cramps at night from all the stored estrogen in my body that I decided to take some ibuprofen last night so I could sleep.  Not the best decision as it turns out, food is just going right through me today. Ugh ,,, like I said, really really rough day.