Writing!

Doing more writing, of all kinds.  Getting back to this blog more, writing poetry, and there's a couple of letters I need to write.  One to mom and one to my best friend.  Sitting here at Starbucks where, believe it or not, I can better concentrate than at home.  At home I seem to be plagued by all the things that I need to do and accomplish, they're all over the place, staring at me.  Here, in the midst of all this noise and commotion, none of which applies to me, I can tune it all out and focus.

My contribution to this book  "In pursuit of the divine" is a 1500 word chapter, and a 100 word bio, along with a professional-looking head shot.  We had a kick off call last night, and now it's really up to me to get centered, quiet my mind and let it flow.  Easier said than done, but I'm also probably making it more problematic than I need to lol.  I'm an alcoholic, we like to complicate things.

Excited and ambivalent

I'm so excited to be participating in this book, an anthology, titled "In Pursuit of The Divine".  I have a 1500 word chapter to contribute, about empowerment.  The book will be out in April.  This feels so "right", so on target with God's overall plan for me.  Knowing I need to get to writing is, I think, one of the reasons I'm getting back to blogging again.  And I've been doing some poetry again lately too, so the creative juices are flowing.  More details to come on the book.

My ambivalence is about a possible part time job with Chris 4 Life.  Although they haven't offered me anything yet, and after our call last Friday I'm doubtful they will lol.  But since my cancer journey started, I knew I didn't want to just be identified as "Allita, the cancer survivor".  Also, I have a somewhat different approach to cancer, my journey through it and how I choose to see it.  I don't feel like a victim, I refuse to go around saying things like "fuck you cancer", etc.  I guess that's why the advocacy thing just feels off-task for me ,,, I know in my heart that the role God wants me to play in this is more about education, teaching people who will listen about things like clean food, listening to our body and how our government could care less if the food they're recommending is killing us.  That last one is a hard nut to swallow, but all I had to do is look at what's happening through eyes that aren't covered in rose colored glasses, and it's obvious.  I may be fighting an uphill battle, but that's no reason to not try.

But in the end, all of this is up to God, not me.  I just know that 2014 is going to be a year of pivotal change in my life, and I'm excited, doing what's in front of me to do, and putting things like my sobriety and peace of mind before anything or anyone else.

I feel the time is coming for me to face things with my best friend, tell her how i've been feeling and get that off my heart.  Enough time has passed that I can speak without anger or hurt feelings.  I know we're drifting apart, and I don't think that will change, but at least she'll know (hopefully) that I love her and always will.

Observations of change

So two things happened recently that let me know how much I'm changing, how my thoughts are changing.

The first was last Friday, when I had a phone interview with Chris 4 Life about a potential part time job later this summer.  I've been fairly ambivalent about getting this involved with a cancer organization as I don't want to define myself as just a cancer survivor ,,, however they do really great work and I could definitely learn a lot.  In any case, we had a good conversation and when I got off the phone, it struck me that my ambivalence may have come across, so I began an email that I hoped would remove that.  All of a sudden my new laptop just locked up, completely non responsive.  Powered off and on, no response.  Now, the previous version of me would have become obsessive about sending that email, using my iPhone if necessary, or finding someone else's computer.  But I sat back and realized this was God saying "leave it alone, I put that ambivalence in your heart for a reason, honor it and let it be".  Oddly enough, hours later, when any email I sent would have been totally ineffective, my laptop worked just fine and a geek at the Apple store could think of no reason for that to have happened.  I however, could ,,, it was God, and for once, I listened.

The other change that's been going on over the last week or two, or maybe even longer, is more profound to me and sort of leaves me in awe. I've been trying my whole life to fill this gap, or hole inside my self, with "stuff" ,,, alcohol, sugar, clothes, shoes, beauty products, attention from men,etc. And none of it was ever "enough" ,,, none.of.it.  A closet full of clothes, shoes, purses, etc, and I'd just keep buying more, and more, and more.  Never feeling like I had "enough", never feeling like I WAS "enough" ,,, that next purchase/drink/dress/pair of shoes/piece of cake/man, would finally fill me up and I'd magically feel a sense of fullness in my self and in my life.   Like I said, it never happened and over the course of my lifetime I've just gotten used to the feeling of "not enough".

Along comes the 12 steps of AA, through which I've learned to turn to God for fulfillment, because to not do so would bring me to a drink, and that could well kill me this time.  So the other day I walked through Nordstrom, looked at the beautiful clothes & shoes, and felt not one desire to acquire something, but neither was I avoiding looking & admiring. I felt neutral, knowing damn well I have more than enough "stuff" at home to satisfy ALL my needs AND wants.  This may seem like a small thing to you, but it's HUGE to me.  I've never felt that neutrality before ,,, usually the dialog in my head is going something like this "That's so cute, I could wear that to ________ and it would look great.  But I'm trying not to buy anything, I promised myself I wouldn't buy anything.  Can I spend the money?  I have my credit card but I'm trying not to use it, and I have something so similar.  But it's only $______, it won't break the bank and if I don't want to keep it I can always bring it back.  Ok I'm going to get it, I've been good lately, I deserve it.  And in both colors, oh and those other two things I just put back, I'm getting those too.  Whooo hoooo, new clothes!!  I feel kind of drunk".   lol, that's seriously what happens.  Shortly afterwards, the remorse and guilt comes in, the items get hung up in my closet, the thrill now gone, and I black out the whole scenario until next time, and forget even buying the items until I come across them in my closet and ask myself "when did I get this?".

So what felt so different this time, and every day lately, is just that knowing that I have all that I need, and want, already.  But what's also different this time, is there's no guilt telling me I need to purge what I have, lighten up, get rid of things, which just feels the pendulum swinging to the opposite extreme.  I feel neutral, content, balanced.  It's pretty amazing. <3

2014 Update

So once again, haven't been here in a while.  On the off chance anyone is reading this, here's a brief update of what's been happening in my life since September (that I can remember lol).

*  I turned 51 last October 29th and to celebrate I had an alcohol-free Origami Owl jewelry party at my house lol.  It was low key on purpose and it was perfect.  I was 9 months sober at that time and feeling pretty good.

*  Thanksgiving was totally different and beautiful. I spent the day with other sober folks, eating & watching football.  Was home in bed by 9, not having over eaten or drank, and it was just so calm, warm and truly peaceful.

*  In November I traveled to Washington DC twice, both for colon cancer awareness & advocacy events which were paid for (love that!).  Got to meet some of the people I share an online support group with, which I loved.  And hadn't been to DC before at all, so went to a few museums and got to see (and put my hand on) the Vietnam Memorial wall.  That was beyond powerful, it left me speechless.  Then went to the Holocaust Museum, which was honestly a big mistake for sensitive me, it was over powering, a totally different emotion than powerful.  Took me a few weeks and some tears to shake that feeling.  But the good news is I didn't feel the need to drink on either trip, and I also didn't eat anything that would upset the still-precarious balance in my digestive system that has been HARD fought.

*  I've now lost about 35-40 pounds since December 2012, feel fantastic and maybe even better than I felt before cancer.  I had some food sensitivity testing done last year and that helped a LOT.  So now, I eat mostly a paleo-type diet ,,, no grains(except occasionally a little gluten free oatmeal), dairy or sugar.  I also don't eat much red meat and mostly only cooked veggies (vs raw, not pretty).

*  The holidays were somewhat uneventful, in a good way, and quiet (which I'm learning to really love & value versus feeling restless).

*  Most importantly, on January 7th I celebrated 365 days of continuous sobriety.  It was, and is amazing, to see how much I have changed, how my life has changed (and keeps changing) and how much better my body is without alcohol in it.  I now have a sponsee that I'm beginning to work with, and she's a blessing.  I think the biggest lesson I am learning about life is that it runs a lot smoother when we can at least try to meet people where they are, and accept who THEY are, not who WE want/need them to be, which in my experience never works.

*  Still letting God run the show on all fronts, including what I'm supposed to do work-wise, going forward.  But He is beginning to give me glimpses of what He has in store for me.  I had a phone interview the other day with Chris 4 Life, a colorectal cancer education & advocacy group, who is adding some part time positions sometime this summer.  A little ambivalent about that, but it will be what it's meant to be.  I'm also going to be writing a book, due out in April, which is an anthology with about 20+ other women, titled "Empowerment for a Woman's Soul" in which I'll be contributing a chapter.  SO excited to be collaborating with these amazing, inspiring women, and I'll end up with bragging rights to say "I'm published".  Too too cool!!

*  Continuing to remind myself that life is a daily gig, that's all we get, this 24 hours (and sometimes not even that).   Choosing to stay in the present moment, focus on "be"ing versus "do"ing, and keep surrendering, accepting and most of all, and this is huge, learning to accept & love myself for just who I am.  Perfectly imperfect, flawlessly flawed and just how God wants me to be.

Thanks for reading!  Blessings xo