Observations of change

So two things happened recently that let me know how much I'm changing, how my thoughts are changing.

The first was last Friday, when I had a phone interview with Chris 4 Life about a potential part time job later this summer.  I've been fairly ambivalent about getting this involved with a cancer organization as I don't want to define myself as just a cancer survivor ,,, however they do really great work and I could definitely learn a lot.  In any case, we had a good conversation and when I got off the phone, it struck me that my ambivalence may have come across, so I began an email that I hoped would remove that.  All of a sudden my new laptop just locked up, completely non responsive.  Powered off and on, no response.  Now, the previous version of me would have become obsessive about sending that email, using my iPhone if necessary, or finding someone else's computer.  But I sat back and realized this was God saying "leave it alone, I put that ambivalence in your heart for a reason, honor it and let it be".  Oddly enough, hours later, when any email I sent would have been totally ineffective, my laptop worked just fine and a geek at the Apple store could think of no reason for that to have happened.  I however, could ,,, it was God, and for once, I listened.

The other change that's been going on over the last week or two, or maybe even longer, is more profound to me and sort of leaves me in awe. I've been trying my whole life to fill this gap, or hole inside my self, with "stuff" ,,, alcohol, sugar, clothes, shoes, beauty products, attention from men,etc. And none of it was ever "enough" ,,, none.of.it.  A closet full of clothes, shoes, purses, etc, and I'd just keep buying more, and more, and more.  Never feeling like I had "enough", never feeling like I WAS "enough" ,,, that next purchase/drink/dress/pair of shoes/piece of cake/man, would finally fill me up and I'd magically feel a sense of fullness in my self and in my life.   Like I said, it never happened and over the course of my lifetime I've just gotten used to the feeling of "not enough".

Along comes the 12 steps of AA, through which I've learned to turn to God for fulfillment, because to not do so would bring me to a drink, and that could well kill me this time.  So the other day I walked through Nordstrom, looked at the beautiful clothes & shoes, and felt not one desire to acquire something, but neither was I avoiding looking & admiring. I felt neutral, knowing damn well I have more than enough "stuff" at home to satisfy ALL my needs AND wants.  This may seem like a small thing to you, but it's HUGE to me.  I've never felt that neutrality before ,,, usually the dialog in my head is going something like this "That's so cute, I could wear that to ________ and it would look great.  But I'm trying not to buy anything, I promised myself I wouldn't buy anything.  Can I spend the money?  I have my credit card but I'm trying not to use it, and I have something so similar.  But it's only $______, it won't break the bank and if I don't want to keep it I can always bring it back.  Ok I'm going to get it, I've been good lately, I deserve it.  And in both colors, oh and those other two things I just put back, I'm getting those too.  Whooo hoooo, new clothes!!  I feel kind of drunk".   lol, that's seriously what happens.  Shortly afterwards, the remorse and guilt comes in, the items get hung up in my closet, the thrill now gone, and I black out the whole scenario until next time, and forget even buying the items until I come across them in my closet and ask myself "when did I get this?".

So what felt so different this time, and every day lately, is just that knowing that I have all that I need, and want, already.  But what's also different this time, is there's no guilt telling me I need to purge what I have, lighten up, get rid of things, which just feels the pendulum swinging to the opposite extreme.  I feel neutral, content, balanced.  It's pretty amazing. <3