Hashimoto's

Hello again, I'm so glad to be back here (in addition to the blog on my website) and truly happy that my friend Elizabeth encouraged me to continue using this site for more personal blog posts.

I wanted to share with you all what's new with my own health.  I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's, an auto-immune condition that in essence causes your own body to attack itself, several years back as a result of my colon cancer.  If you've ever been diagnosed with hypothyroidism then you most likely have Hashimoto's, although not necessarily.  An under-performing thyroid (i.e. hypo) can result in issues like fatigue, weight gain, dry hair and brittle nails, memory loss, dizziness, problems concentrating and many more serious concerns.

So I've been on a natural or compounded hormone treatment for some years now and at times it's been a non-issue.  But those times correlated with eating in a way that supports my body, and for the last 4-6 months I have definitely NOT been doing that.  I have gotten back into a habit of consuming  sugary foods (lots of stevia, maple syrup, honey and good ole fashioned sugar), wheat & oats, a little dairy and too much caffeine.  What happens in my body when I eat this way is it creates inflammation (and we suspect a bacterial overgrowth), which causes a cascade affect all through my endocrine system - from adrenals on down to my sex hormones.

A few weeks ago, when I realized I was having hot flashes (more than just a random 1x/day), night sweats and not sleeping very well, I went to see my practitioner who ordered blood work and a comprehensive stool test (yes, yuck) to see what's happening in my gut.  No surprise the blood work showed all my hormones are out of range, with my thyroid especially struggling.

Now I of all people know good and well that all good health begins in a healthy gut, and I'm challenged in that area to begin with, thanks to 3 surgeries, chemotherapy drugs, pain meds, antibiotics and not to mention a lifetime of drinking too much alcohol.  But sometimes my five-year old self just wants to misbehave, and my adult self just wants to "relax" and enjoy food like I used to - between the two of us, accepting reality can be a little challenging.

So here I am - I have gained about 10-12 lbs, I'm exhausted both mentally & physically, and I can tell I have a lot of inflammation as my favorite rings are too tight.  So what am I doing about it?  Well, I am cutting back and eventually stopping the caffeine for a while to let my adrenals rest, drinking more water, making sure I have good snacks in my purse so the pumpkin bread at Starbucks doesn't tempt me and keeping lots of ready-to-eat food at home so I don't decide a run through Jack In The Box is a good idea.  And I'm also looking into eating, for a while anyway, what's called an Auto Immune Protocol (AIP).  It's basically paleo, but with things like nuts & seeds, eggs & nightshade vegetables (tomatoes, potatoes, peppers) taken out and bone broth, fermented foods and more herbs added in.  I'm going to make more bone broth (you guys know I do that already anyway), add unflavored, grass-fed & organic gelatin to my foods and try some fermented vegetables.  Cutting out eggs is tough but I've done it before and truth be told, I do feel a little weird when I eat them.

The plan is to eat AIP for about 6-8 weeks so your body can calm down and return to a state of homeostasis, or balance.  Then you slowly add some foods back in to identify what you're having issues with, but I pretty much know already - wheat, sugar, grains, dairy.  I've found a great website, AIP Lifestyle, that has a lot of yummy recipes and I really love that she connects our food with our emotions (see: Pork Burgers and Trusting Your Life or DIY Red Wine Vinegar and Suffering).

Lastly I wanted to share how I'm feeling about this happening now, when I am trying to maintain energy around my new business Ellaquent Coaching.  I have to walk my talk, not just in the past or on days when I feel like it, but all the damn time.  My message is that certain foods, thought patterns and consumer products are very endocrine disrupting, and that just cleaning this up makes a huge difference in our menopausal lives - so here is God giving me the chance to live my own message. That my friends is poetry personified and I am grateful to be walking this path beside all of you.  I will be posting some of this on my website so I hope you'll check that out too.

I hope this finds you doing well - in the immortal of words of our now departed Mr. Spock - Live Long and Prosper!

I'm back!!

I haven't been posting here since my new Ellaquent Coaching website  went live, as I have a blog on that site too.   But, as one of my dear friends said, there may still be things I want to blog about that aren't relevant to my business.  This feels like one of those things that I really just wanted to share about.

What has been really big for me lately is healing some of my childhood hurts, and as those parts of me have finally gotten my love and attention, I am feeling a lot of things shift in my life.  My need for huge amounts of clothing, shoes, jewelry, beauty items and other "stuff" in my house has been lifting, slowly and steadily, for the last several weeks.  Recently, I pulled about 80% of my closet out, it's hanging in the garage, and my deal is that if I don't go looking for any of that in the next month, I'm going to let it all go.  It's been several weeks, and I can't even describe how good it feels to have less hanging in my closet.  Less to weed through when I get dressed, less to choose from, less to stress over.  Stress over??  Yes, stress over.  I've known for a long time that I simply have.too.much - but at the same time as it felt excessive, it also was never enough and I needed more, always more. Hmmmmm, maybe I've been trying to numb something. :-)

So now, I am ready to let go of so many other things.  Nik naks, wall hangings that I've had for years or that were my mothers, furniture that was in my childhood home that I've been holding onto for decades now even though it isn't my style at all and is far from practical,  fake plants (it's time for the real thing), books that were my mothers and anything else that no longer serves me.   These are just "things", which for a long time felt comforting.  Now it feels limiting, and it keeps me from letting go of the past and being fully present.

Things are shifting, I am slowly letting go and truly, finally, moving on.  It's hard, it hurts, but I know I am ready - it's time.  I feel God gently and lovingly pushing me, reminding me that I am safe and it is going to be ok.  This feels so huge, and so powerful, and I can't wait to see what will come from this creation of FLOW in my life.

Love,
Allita

Day 5 of the "cleanse"

I put the word cleanse in quotes because I haven't been sure from the beginning of this if that's really the right word for what I'm doing.  In a sense it is a cleanse - I am not eating any of the foods that give me trouble (grains, dairy, sugar), and for the first 3 days I consumed only vegetables, broth and fruit.   Also for those first 5 days I didn't drink any coffee, caffeinated or not.  This morning, I am thoroughly enjoying a cup of home made organic half-decaf coffee - man I missed this!  But by some people's standards this isn't really a cleanse, I just was at a loss for a better word.

Yesterday was a really busy, full day of volunteering from 10-3 and then running a bunch of errands. Breakfast was a poached egg and some applesauce and then I snacked on some cashews and an apple at mid-day.  By 4pm I had stopped at Mod Market for a spinach salad w chicken, which I only ate a few bites of as I was on the run.  Got home and finished my salad with more chicken at home, some beets & spicy pumpkin seeds.  Last night I had a few bites of an apple with almond butter, and that was it for the day.  I went to bed feeling satiated, although my tummy was somewhat unhappy with all that raw spinach - sometimes that's a little problematic for me.   But my take away from yesterday was that I did a great job of managing my blood sugar (by drinking plenty of clean water with tangerine essential oil)  and making good food choices in a very busy day.

The other food that I haven't indulged in for the last 6 days is my beloved bacon.  :-)  God, I love bacon, and was eating it pretty often.  I miss it for sure, but getting that sodium out of my system is a good thing, and it was becoming yet another obsession.

And since I don't feel very good when I eat eggs too often, I skipped them this morning.  I sauteed onion, mushrooms, spinach, added some cooked sweet potato and left over chicken - that along with some strawberries & cherries made a delicious breakfast that will give me the energy to power through this day of house cleaning & dryer repair.  :-)   Later this afternoon I will probably have some riced cauliflower, sauteed with onion and chopped broccoli and add a little ground beef.   Either that or more of the chicken soup I threw together the other night.   I always feel better when I eat only two main meals a day, with a little snack or two in between.  It's easier to get to sleep at night when I haven't eaten for the past 4-5 hours - my cancer modified GI system seems to kick into full gear late at night as it is. :-(

Stepping on the scale this morning was further reinforcement that I'm on the right track, as I was down still another pound (4-5 lbs total lost in the last 6 days).  I'd like to get back down to where I was when I felt at my best, which is another 5-6 pounds.  As long as I keep listening to my body and giving it what IT wants (not what my emotions want) I know that will happen.  Yes it takes discipline to turn down sugar and other yumminess this time of year, but since getting sober I really like not facing the new year with a feeling of having over indulged.  I have big, big plans for 2015 and my intuition is guiding me to prepare for it now, and get ready for a great year.  And I have more than earned it!

Happy Sunday, blessings to all! Thanks for listening. :-)

Cleanse Update - Days 3 & 4

Sorry there was no post yesterday, I was running all day with no chance to update.  Today has been much the same, so this is coming pretty late.

My cleansing got a little goofy yesterday, due to my crazy schedule and making friend time one of my priorities.  That translated into being at a restaurant for lunch at 2pm, hungry, knowing I wouldn't be home until after 5.  So I made the best choice I could; a plain burger patty wrapped in lettuce leaves (I ate half) and a side salad with my own dressing (olive oil & lemon that I brought from home - yay for a little planning ahead).  Not bad, just a day ahead of when I planned to add some solid food as I decided smoothies probably wouldn't feel much better in my body than the juicing had.

So last night I had a nice salad with spinach, beets, carrots - it was very comforting and cleansing. Afterwards I had some thawed out frozen tart cherries - yummy desert, lots of antioxidants, low glycemic so not a big hit to my blood sugar.  Went to bed feeling really good - I actually think the protein from the burger gave me energy & sustenance that was very supportive.

This morning I had an egg scrambled with some veggies, and a 1/2 apple.  Delicious and kept me satisfied until about 2pm, when I once again found myself away from home and in need of food.  I had a couple of almonds and some in-season fruit, which gave me fat & carbs to tide me over.  When I got home I added some sauteed chicken & fresh veggies to my bone broth,  enjoying a nice warm bowl of soup for an early dinner.  Another 1/2 apple and a cup of tea and day 4 is a wrap!

I'm feeling really good, no sugar cravings at all today.  The eczema on my eyes has calmed down considerably, my hot flashes today were much better, and the last two nights I have slept like a baby. One of my rings that was tight a week ago now fits looser, and when I stepped on the scale this morning I was down 3 lbs, which I know is inflammation.  All in all I am really happy with how I am feeling and how positively my body is responding when I pay attention to it.

Bella and I got out for a nice walk today, and it was really gorgeous.  I so appreciate my body for all it does for me, and I am truly thankful.  What a week it's been!

Cleanse - Modified day 2

~ From Wednesday, December 10th ~

My first experience with juicing was about 3 years ago, not long after my chemotherapy for colon cancer had ended.  My trainer suggested it as a way to detox my body from all the drugs, and I was very excited to feel better - I felt pretty lousy at that point.  I went gung ho, juicing 2x a day, mixing up veggies and fruits to find a combo that appealed to me.  It didn't take long at all for my body to clearly signal that it didn't like what I was giving it.  I tried sticking it out for a while, refusing to believe that something I kept hearing was a miracle for so many people wasn't working for me. Finally, I gave it up, my body calmed down and I realized I needed to find other ways to heal.

By the time I went to bed last night, I was feeling much the same as I had a few years past.  I had hoped that this would be different as my body is so much healthier, but evidently not.  I don't know what my body doesn't like about juicing and in the end, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I listen to my intuition and respond accordingly with love and respect for my body.  So I have modified my cleanse a bit today.

This morning I steamed some veggies and added that to my broth - carrots, zucchini and baby bok choy.  It was delicious and I instantly felt better.  So for lunch I had a salad of baby spinach, cucumber, carrots, beets and some chopped pistachio's, dressing it with fresh lemon juice & olive oil, along with a cup of plain broth.  Again, my body responded with energy, calmness and a feeling of lightness.  Maybe my body just craves foods in their wholeness, which makes sense.  I even gave Bella some of the broth with cooked veggies and she loved it.  :-)

I am feeling much better today/tonight than last night.  I've been drinking lots of water (and making lots of trips to the bathroom), and I had a small spoonful of almond butter this afternoon for some extra fat & protein and that helped with feeling satiated. Tomorrow is day 3, which will probably look much like today with regards to food.

I don't feel hungry or deprived of anything, but I am fantasizing about cookies lol.  Cutting out coffee has made a huge difference in how my tummy and my nerves feel, but I miss the ritual of it. Food is so emotional for most of us, so was drinking for me.  But since cancer I thought food had become less emotional and I have been finding that isn't really true.  Food still feels like joy, and somewhat like a lover.  Interesting .....

Stay tuned. :-)

Cleanse Day 1

As I sit here in the peace and quiet of my home, watching the fire in my fireplace start to burn,  I feel immensely grateful for the life that I am privileged to wake up to each morning.   When not eating solid food for a few days, things like gratitude are great to feed my soul on.

The day has not been difficult at all, even though there have been some food cravings.  So far today I have had two mugs of my home made broth (cooked for 24 hours total - really delicious and flavorful), two cups of decaf tea and one large juice drink.  Here's what I juiced today:
1 large beet
2 small granny smith apples
3-5 carrots
2-3 celery stalks
1 small lemon (with the peel roughly sliced off or it tastes bitter)
1/2 large cucumber
1 small slice of fresh ginger

That's actually my favorite combination so I will most likely repeat that for the next couple of days.  I will have one more juice tonight, and that may be it.  I've done a good job with my water intake, so I am feeling very hydrated.  I have had a slight headache for most of the day but I expected that on day one.  I am denying my body the caffeine and the empty calories it's gotten used to, and a headache is a pretty normal response.  I am a bit tired and looking forward to a good nights sleep, which is not what I had last night for some reason.

So why a cleanse?  I know that word has become sort of a catch-all these days, and it seems to have different definitions and purposes, depending on who you ask.  For me, these next few days will be a chance for my digestive system to rest and heal as I won't be giving it much to deal with.  I am still nourishing my body with protein, fats and carbohydrates so it can run properly.  But by not consuming any sugars, grains, dairy, etc., I am letting the inflammation in my body calm down, which will further soothe my digestive tract, ease some of the symptoms I mentioned yesterday and help me drop some weight.   The sugar, along with caffeine, is also a stimulant which over time takes a toll on my central nervous system, and impacts my life on many levels, including my sleep.  Flushing all these toxins out of my system with the help of lots of clean, filtered water, will help me feel and sleep better, which will give me more energy and enable me to think more clearly, have better focus and mental stamina.  Plus I anticipate it will also help my hormones settle down, and I will have fewer hot flashes.  And when it's all said and done, I expect my clothes will fit better and I will feel better in them - and who doesn't want to feel good in their clothes (or out of them for that matter?).  All of this is, to me, a huge payoff for a few days of being a little hungry.

How do I know all of this?  Well, some of it is what I have read and learned from others, and some of it I just know.  I think we all know things - about ourselves and what is right for us, about the world around us and the people in it- without knowing how.   We all have inherent wisdom and we all have our own intuition.  I think the keys are listening, trusting and then leaning into that wisdom.   Not always easy, but for me, always worth it.  Ask yourself what you know, have always known,  yet can't explain why - what is that knowing telling you and are you listening?  If not, why?

I am exhausted so even though it's only 5:30 in the evening, I am going to wash my face, crawl into bed and read a bit.  Good rest is crucial to my well being anytime, but especially through this process.
Night night peeps, sweet dreams.  Join me again tomorrow for another update, I will hopefully have more energy.  :-)

Time for a cleanse

When your intuition speaks to you, how well do you listen?  Well, my intuitive voice has been telling me a good cleanse would be helpful to my well being at the moment, so I am starting on that tomorrow.  Thought I'd share what my plan is and will blog each day on how I am doing.  

First, on the topic of cleanses let me just say that I am NOT a fan of being hungry.  However,  I have become familiar with my body and it's responses, and here is what I am noticing:

• More pain in my digestive system lately - this is mainly from all my cancer surgeries and obstructions, but it worsens when my diet isn't as clean
• Increased & intense hot flashes and constant under arm odor - this too, I have noticed over time, is worse when I get too relaxed with what I eat
• Inflammation in my body - my pants are a bit tighter yes but so are my rings and my boots, and this also explains some of the pain I mentioned above
• An increase in eczema outbreaks, including one around my eyes that my prescription cream is not resolving
• Increasingly intense cravings for starchy, high glycemic carbohydrates like baked goods, potato chips, bread, sugary foods, etc. 
• More unexplained and disturbing dreams and nightmare activity

What I have been eating that is causing this unrest in my body is sugar, wheat and other grains, dairy, coconut, cinnamon and nightshades - these are all foods I am sensitive to.  If you're not familiar with nightshades, here's a great article: http://www.thepaleomom.com/2013/08/what-are-nightshades.html

Everyone has their own sensitivities, be it with foods, smells, sounds, people, emotions, etc. - the key is to tune into your own body's signals and then do something about them. I've given you a list of some of my warning signs, do any of those ring a bell with you?  What are some of your signals?  If you already know, that's great.  If you do not, becoming aware can be a huge step toward having the body and life you really want.  

So here is my cleanse plan (more later on why a cleanse and why now):

1. For the first 3 days, I will drink home-made bone broth and fresh juices using organic, whole fruits and veggies.  Here's more info on bone broth if you are interested:  http://nourishedkitchen.com/bone-broth/
2. On days 4-5, I will add a smoothie each day made with frozen organic greens & fruit with walnuts as the protein source
3. On days 6-7 I will add steamed & pureed veggies to my broth
4. On days 8-10 I will slowly add back in foods like sweet potatoes, nut butters and small amounts of chicken, turkey and fish. 
5. Throughout each of these 10 days I will make sure I am drinking half my body weight in pure, filtered water to which I will add either lemon (alkalizing), tangerine (curbs sweet cravings) or peppermint (helps smooth digestion) essential oils to assist my body in detoxifying
6. I will add 1-2 teaspoons of organic, unrefined coconut oil to my juices and my smoothies.  This helps my body assimilate the nutrients from my food and also provides the necessary fats for good organ function and to support my nails, hair and skin. 
7. Lastly, I will be focusing on getting plenty of sleep (aiming for 8-9 hours each night), exercise, (outside if possible) and quiet time for reflection and journaling so that my mind can process all the emotions that will be coming up during my cleanse.  

So now I have declared my intention and you are free to hold me accountable (just beware, accountability is a two-way street with me).  :-)  As I said, I will give more details on what I am doing and how things are going in the upcoming days - I hope you will join me on this little adventure into a healthier holiday and a strong start to my new year.  Cheers! 

Random observations from Portland

So I'm in Portland for the weekend - alone.  Why Portland and why now you ask? Well, here's the deal - I was getting a healing touch treatment a while back and we were working on letting go of the past.  And while I'm laying there, trying to move into the present, I start planning this trip in my head.  A trip where I ... go revisit my past.  lol  Seriously.  I know, right?  wth??  So, I realized what I was doing, and decided I would in fact take a trip, but I would take myself someplace I have never been, create a new experience, a new memory.  And Portland just popped into my head, unbidden.  I found a trip on Expedia for $500, air and hotel for 3 nights, so I booked it.  And here I am, adventurous free spirit, exploring a city I have never been to, in the winter, on my own.  Yeah, I'm just kooky like that.

So Portland is a pretty cool city from what I can see so far.  I know I am not seeing it in it's best light because of the weather (cold, dreary and rainy), but here's what I like so far:  The people seem not only nice and friendly, but they generally like living here.  It is not only very diverse in it's population, but seemingly very accepting of that diversity.  And they are very "green" here, very eco-conscious.  The main thing so far that would keep me from living happily here is this dreary weather - I don't think they see much sunshine this time of year.  That would be tough, weather has a strong affect on my emotions.

I am going to change lanes now - ready?  Okay, here we go.  When I was a kid, I just loved my mothers hands.  They were strong, loving, fine boned hands - hands that were so capable of everything and anything.  Caring for her family, kneading and baking home-made bread that was always hot and ready for us when we got home from school, sewing all of my clothes before I started growing too fast, canning our fresh-grown summer fruits and vegetables,  playing & trying to teach me the piano, nursing me back to health when I didn't feel good, gently waking me up every morning for school, and in the last moments of her life, caressing my face as she said "I don't want to leave you". They were amazing hands, belonging to an amazing woman.  And as I was gazing at my hands the other night, I thought "wow, I finally have my mothers hands - isn't that cool".  Yeah, that's pretty damn cool.

Okay, I am downtown Portland and sitting in a Starbucks.  I better get out and walk around a bit. Later peeps.  Hugs.

Time alone

I was laying in the bathtub this morning just reflecting back on what a nice holiday weekend this has been so far, every minute of it.

For starters I spent Thanksgiving day alone at home with Bella doing just what we wanted to do and nothing more.  I slept in, which I rarely let myself do anymore, and it felt fabulous  - to me it did, to Bella I think it was an exercise in extreme patience as she lay starting at me waiting for my eyes to open and my hands to come out from under the covers.  ;-)   We went for a nice long walk, it was in the 60's and sunny ... Colorado in all of it's gorgeousness.  Eventually I started preparations for my dinner, which was delicious and just what I wanted.  I baked two cornish hens with a super-simple gluten free sausage stuffing inside and a small acorn squash, accompanied by mashed sweet potatoes and a small green salad.  I set the table with a linen napkin, candles and drank some flavored sparkling water out of a champagne flute (a Christmas gift I received a few weeks before deciding to get sober - alas) and watched Indiana Jones while I ate.  It was, in a word, lovely.

The rest of the weekend has gone much like that day - mellow, serene and completely to my liking. My meaning there is much more about what's happening in me and less about what's happening in the world around me.   In this moment, no matter what is going on around me, I am ok with it.  Will I always be able to claim that  - who knows?  But for someone who has been dreading and numbing away the holidays for at least the past 15 years, I am completely good with this current state of affairs.

Tonight I am going to be taking another big step away from living in the past by replacing many of the framed photo's around my home - all of which are currently of my family, my childhood street, myself as a child and other connections to the past to the exclusion of any current photos - with pictures that bring me more into the present.  I've written on here before about my recent realization that letting go of the past means more than just releasing the pain.  It means really living in the present, seeing the present for what it is, and even seeing the past for what it truly is, not through those proverbial colored glasses.  Once that  began to fully sink in, I looked around and realized this state of framed photos in my house - it is really hard to let of a point in time when all you surround yourself with are photographic memories of that time.  I am not suggesting that having happy memories of our past is a bad thing at all.  I had a very happy childhood, for which I am so thankful and I will always cherish those memories.  But I can see that there's something deeper going on here, and I can change that, I can make the present feel like a cherished time as well.  So I've printed up photo's of me with the dogs, some beautiful shots of Italy, Costa Rica and Mexico, and a picture of my friends and I on my 50th birthday.   These are happy recent moments that make me smile when I look at them, and they have little connection in my mind to the crazy, out-of-control way I felt when I was drinking.  I have spent enough time, more than enough time, looking back and I am ready to begin looking forward now - with enthusiasm, excited anticipation and joy.

Hoping you all had a very happy Thanksgiving, with a lot to feel thankful about and grateful for.  With blessings and all my best to you,

Allita

Life lessons from dogs

Bella, my terrier, is six years old now.  She's the one on the left with the wacky ear, that was her brother Milo who passed away earlier this year.  We used to nickname her Scrappy because of that crazy ear thing, and her personality is totally that of a little scrapper.  In fact,  I have in mind to write a book about her character.  But I digress ... and by the way her ear doesn't do that much anymore.

The beauty of dogs is that they get total and complete joy out of a very small list of things, and the joy is as intense for them on the 6000th time as it was on the 1st.  Take walks for instance - every single time I get the leash out and prepare to get her hooked up for a walk, her exuberance is off.the.charts.  She never, ever ever ever (you get the point) gets tired of it, and she never will.  Something so simply joyful as a walk outside, smelling and peeing and pulling on the leash like she's a sled dog in the frozen tundra hauling me across the ice, can provide this little crazy canine with enough joy to turn her into a verbalizing maniac.  She NEVER makes as many or as much noise as when I'm trying to get her leashed up and ready to go.   It's completely hysterical and I wish I could video her.

Dogs have very simple needs - food, water, exercise and love.  That's it.  They don't care about things, money, competing, racism, winning, their weight (or yours for that matter), they have no ulterior motives or hidden agendas, they adore you when you think you're at your worst (including loving the smell of your worst morning dragon breath) and they live for one thing - to see and be with you.

As humans we think we are superior because we have opposable thumbs and deductive reasoning, we walk upright and can drive a car.  None of which, in my opinion, make us superior - that simply makes us human.  With all of our "superiority" we are killing each other off, destroying our planet, wracking up more debt than we'll ever pay off in our lifetime and spreading un-curable diseases like wildfire, with new ones popping up regularly.  So who exactly is the superior one between humans and dogs?

Bella's constant joy at seeing me, being fed, getting treats and going for a walk teaches me so much about letting go of stuff that doesn't matter.  Her unbridled excitement at the beginning of each new day, with absolutely no left over resentments or baggage from the day before, is endlessly fascinating to me.   Humans hold onto everything, we torture ourselves over and over, continually reliving every painful moment - animals don't do that to themselves.  The minute after you've hurt them, stepped on their tail, or scolded them for chewing your panties (at least she doesn't chew up my bras or shoes anymore), they've forgiven you and themselves.  That doesn't mean their spirits can't be broken, I have also seen that happen and it literally weighs on my soul.  But the readiness of a dog to forgive with a head rub, a dog treat and a sincerely uttered "good dog", is a powerful reminder (to me anyway) of the gifts of not being so complicated.  They let go of the past, they are happy, full of joy and they sleep ... well, like themselves.  And going outside to, gasp,  run & play(aka exercise, something we humans seem to dread doing) brings out a puppy-like enthusiasm no matter how old they get.

Yep, I think dogs have it pretty much figured out, I am a huge fan.  :-)

My debt

So many things are going well with my life, and it feels good (and important) to recognize that from time to time.  It's easy to get caught up in wanting everything to be "perfect".  When I step back and look at how far I have come, all that is going well and how truly great I feel, I realize the word perfect pretty much sums it up.

My coaching business, Ellaquent Coaching, feels a little stuck at the moment, and it's stuck with me needing to get some website content written.  I need a website that gives people a place to get more info about me and what I do.  Tomorrow I have nowhere to go and will be focusing on this all day if need be.  I've gotten some really great ideas and info, along with other great website examples to follow, so I think it will be fun to see what comes out of me.  AND, laying on the massage table yesterday I had an epiphany about another target market I want to go after - more on that after I have fleshed it out some more.

There is always so much to do, so much I want to do - for instance, keeping up with this blog, I want to write more, updating my website, joining a leads group, getting new business cards and other marketing materials printed up, I want to do YouTube videos and post them on FB and my website.  There's so many things I want to do, that I feel I'm supposed to do, need to do.  It's like, in my mind, getting my life back comes with a price, a debt that I owe - paying it forward, giving back, passing on what I've learned and gained.  I think I just have to stay mindful that I can not do it all today, or even tomorrow.  :-)

Blessings to you all. xo

Business and personal updates

So yes, once again it's been a while since I've been here.  I think part of that is that my website is being built, and so my blog will be moving over there in a few weeks, or sooner.  Not to worry, I'll be posting much more about that as it draws nearer.

A lot of positive and exciting stuff has been happening on the business front.  I have an awesome client that I'm working with pro bono, and have had a few conversations with other potential clients.  I've filed my application for a federal tax id, met with a bookkeeper to get things started on that.  Soon I'll be opening a business account and getting set up to accept credit cards.  A new website is in the works, I'm working today on web content which will also be the basis for marketing materials.  Since doing my Feminine Rising webinars, I know how to create short videos using Google+ and promote them through my YouTube channel on social media.  I've done NONE of this before, and sometimes I think "this is crazy, I have no idea what I am doing", but no one knows what they don't know, until they know it.  So, as I tell my clients, I am just walking through this one step at a time. And it's all very, very exciting, empowering and a little scary at the same time.

On a personal level, there's nothing negative going on at all.  If that sounds like a "but" is coming, you're a very perceptive reader.  The "holidays" are upon us and it's just not my favorite time of year.  I feel very lonely, and kind of sad, and I miss my parents something awful, especially my mother.  I don't tell many people how I feel for a multitude of reasons.  Mainly because I do not want to dampen anyone else's holiday spirit.  But also because people, meaning well, think if they invite me to their family gatherings that will make everything better for me.  And it just doesn't.  It's MY family that I miss, and that is simply gone.  I had hoped when I got married that the feeling of "family" would return, but it never did.  Maybe one day I'll fall in love with a man and together we can create our own meaning of the holidays, and it most likely won't be about shopping and gorging on sugar, as lovely as those things can be in small amounts.  :-)   So again, nothing negative in my personal life, just a sense of wishing it were January already.   And that feels odd to me as I also try to live in the present moment, knowing this moment is really all I have.  I suspect I am not alone in this, and maybe someone reading this will realize that neither are they.

So I'm procrastinating on writing that web content, I better at least try to get into that head space.  It really requires - Squirrel!!!  LOL  Seriously, here I go now.  Bye for today.

My birthday

So I turned 52 years old today, and it occurred to me that I am now the age my mother was when her husband, my father, died of metastatic lung cancer.   Twenty years later, my mother died of ovarian cancer at the age of 72.   And today I'm prepping my body for a colonoscopy, as part of being followed after colon cancer 3+ years ago when I was only 48.

Needless to say, I really don't want my eventual exit from this life to look like my parents' - I have every intention of someday dying in my sleep, a very old, very happy lady.  And every thing about my life since my cancer diagnosis has been in pursuit of that kind of end .... a long, long time from now.

A big part of that was to stop drinking.  Part of it has been learning how to eat well for my body.  And a big part of it has been changing my thoughts, my beliefs, my values - Maybe "changing" them isn't the right word, maybe it's more about pulling them all out, re-examining them and just deciding if they're still working for me, or against me.  I think we can do that at any time in our life, but being humans, we tend to not do it until we're pushed up against a wall.  I hope and pray every day that my efforts are not too little too late.  I don't want to live forever, I just want to live until I am done, and I'm nowhere near done.

Happy Birthday to me!  It's been a quiet one for sure, but I am extremely grateful for every minute of it.

Hugs to all!

Letting go of the past - really

I finally feel like I can breathe, and take some time for reflection this week.  Last week I had a lot of energy around my webinair for the Feminine Rising New Moon Retreat, which took place on Saturday.  I think my workshop went well, I feel good about it and have watched the replay twice now.  Each time I do one of these I learn a lot, and each time I feel more confident.  I didn't market it as much as I might have, but I felt a little paralyzed with anxiety for some reason.

So that's behind me now, the next time I do this it won't be my first time, I can modify existing content and don't have to start from a place of unknowing.  That feels good, like a relief.  I would like to do more webinars, and maybe that will, in time, ease my nerves about public speaking.  Maybe.  lol

So my business coach asked her clients to ponder and answer the question of what my 70 year old self would say to us today.  So, here's that answer:
"Have faith that you are right where you are meant to be, doing what you are meant to be doing.  Stay focused on the journey and your part in it, and keep trusting God with the destination.  Forgive yourself and others - in deed, thought & intent.  Trust your instincts, trust your instincts, trust your instincts.  Stay sober, keep growing and keep asking those great questions of yourself and of life.  Once and for all, let go of the past - let it go, there really is nothing there to serve you now.  You are beautiful and smart and powerful and so very worthy.  You ARE enough.  I love you! p.s. - eat the potato chips, it's ok.:-) "

Interesting, when I was writing that and got to the part about letting go of the past, my eyes welled up with tears and I felt this intense wave of emotion hit me.  In that moment, I realized just how much I have been holding on to the past, all of it, not just the parts that hurt.  I could literally feel the past slipping away, fading into the background, like a door slowly closing as I back away from it.  Maybe I needed to hear myself saying that TO myself (in theory) for it to really sink in, or maybe the time is finally right and I am ready to let it go.  I always thought "letting go of the past" meant just releasing the pain, but now I wonder if it doesn't also mean that we are holding on to the good parts, comparing everything now to everything then, seeing it all through rose-colored glasses.  Maybe doing that literally prevents us from being fully present, from seeing all the good that is happening now.

See, these are those "great questions" that I am always asking of myself and of life - I love that I do this, it's part of who I am.  What do you love about yourself?

Note to younger self ...

It's not often that I come across anything profound in a People magazine, but for their 40th Anniversary edition they asked some people to give advice to their younger self.  One in particular stood out and it's from Sharon Stone ... I'd like to share it with you.

"Dear Sharon, your life right now, full of all of its hard times and confusing times and times when you feel like you don't belong, is simply telling you that you are special.  Not just different, but special.  No two people are alike, no matter how much the world tries to blend everyone together and punish those who stand out and apart.  In fact, my darling child, the very things that make you different and apart are your gifts; they are what you will bring to the world.  They are what is the plan for the world, they are the wonder of you.  The shouts and confusion about 'why you just can't be like everybody else' will become the shouts of glory as you stand your ground and be exactly as God made you: just you, an individual in all of your little ways.  Carry that near your heart in your alone times, now and always, and toughen up kid.  These tough times will make you strong enough for what is to come.  I love you.  And God loves you."

I don't know about you, but that really struck a chord in me.  Not only is it gentle, but it's extremely meaningful ... how often do we beat ourselves up and criticize ourselves for not being "just like everyone else", when in fact, that which sets us apart from others IS the gift that we bring the world.  It is our differences, not our need to be the same, that makes us special.  And we are ALL special, as Sharon says "in all of our little ways".    What I also like about this message to a younger self is that it's not full of harshness or meanness, it's loving and it's nurturing.  What a beautiful way to speak to a younger version of ourselves, who still lives inside of us, and is most likely still looking for acceptance and love.   We can give ourselves, all of our selves, past & present, that love and acceptance we are/were looking for, which most human beings are looking for.  And I think by doing so, we can heal those broken places inside us so that we can move into tomorrow without all that baggage weighing us down, doing any further damage to our lives and those we share it with.

Just my thoughts for today, thanks for listening. Hugs

Pivotal moment

I wanted to share something that happened a week or so ago, a moment which the farther I get away from, the more pivotal I can see it really was.

Recently, I took an equine guided vision journey with my amazing business coach.  She lives in a mountain town on a gorgeous piece of land with her family, other assorted animals and these four beautiful, amazing horses.  One of the horses, Destiny, reached out and touched my heart the minute I saw her.  She was all white and so beautiful, soulful eyes and an attentive, watchful, intuitive nature about her.  She was one of two mares but definitely the lady in charge ... I loved watching her correct then nurture the other horses, and us humans too.  :-)

On the second of our two-day weekend retreat, we took turns in the round pen, pondering a question ... something we each wanted answered for ourselves, something that was relative to where we are in our lifes journey.  The horses were allowed to come into the pen if they chose to during my session, and I was elated that they all four chose to be with me.  I shared that since my cancer journey 3+ years ago, I have been struggling to get back my joy, my excitement over life, the feeling of being fully alive and exhileration over being here.  Tears and then sobs came, as I allowed myself to feel those feelings of being lost, confused about life and what comes next, the struggle to find my place once again in this world.  All the horses really showed up for me, but Destiny especially surrounded me with her protective body and energy, she stayed very close to me, letting me encircle her neck with my arms and just lean onto her body, showing me her heart space repeatedly.

At one point, I was asked to step out of the round pen, seeing it as a symbolic stepping out of my comfort zone, being willing to just do that much.  It took me a minute or two to summon up my courage, and I sobbed all over again ... it felt so much deeper than just what it was, it felt very symbolic to me.  As I moved forward finally, I could feel Destiny right behind me, touching but not really pushing, just letting me know I wasn't alone.  She stayed right behind me the whole time, and when I finally felt like I could go back in, she blocked the gate with her body, as if to say "just stay here for a while, become comfortable in your discomfort, it's ok, I'm here".  We all laughed at that - laughter through tears is such a beautiful feeling.  My coach knew the depth of my emotions, and she asked me how that felt, and did I see and feel the symbolism taking place there.  I did ... believe me, I did.  And that feeling of knowing that it's going to be ok if I take chances, risks and face some of my discomforting fears, knowing that I will have support and that I won't be alone, has stayed with me, in a very profound way.  It started a huge shift for me, one that has continued since then.  I think constantly of that moment, that horse and what happened when I was willing to just take a step forward, with no control over an outcome ... life showed up in the form of beautiful Destiny.  I hold that feeling like a precious butterfly that has landed on me, gracing me with it's strength and beauty, filling my heart with love and a deep knowing that I'm safe, even when I'm willing to feel unsafe.

Filled with gratitude for what I am learning, what life and God is showing me, and all the beautiful teachers He is surrounding me with.

Hugs and much love to all,
Allita

It's a process

I am FINALLY feeling like myself after having that cold/virus for what felt like forever, and it was definitely with me for about two weeks.  Last nagging complaint was a sore throat, but after seeing my healing touch practitioner yesterday, that is now gone too.  Bonus!

I noticed after I posted the last time, and was talking about feeling overwhelmed again after having said that I don't feel that way anymore, that it's a process.  It comes and it goes.  I can honestly say that I am feeling less and less overwhelmed as time goes on, but there are still times when it just seems like every single thing in my life right now is pure effort,  where things don't have that "easy and light" feel to them.  

Something I've been struggling with for some time now is trying to recapture that feeling of excitement about life, just life in general.  I had it once, before cancer, but since then it's been missing and nothing I seem to do brings in back.  I faked it for a while with booze, but now with that gone too, it's been really tough.  It's like cancer took something away from me, something that made me, well ... me.  My whole life, I would periodically just get this giddy, happy, joyful, excited-about-life feeling, out of nowhere, and for no particular reason.  It made tough days bearable and good days, gooder.  :-)  It's been hard to feel motivated to keep going, to find something worth staying here for.  I don't mean I have thoughts of suicide, because I never have, not once, ever.  What I mean is a sort of apathy has set in, and drinking it away didn't help, shopping it away didn't help, traveling it away didn't help ... only thing I didn't try was men, but I know that won't help.

But it's starting to shift, and THAT is a process.  It shifted a little bit the weekend I played with the horses, and it shifted a bit when I was at the ocean in California last weekend.  And it shifted a little bit with my healing touch practitioner earlier this week.  It is shifting a little bit every day, but it isn't happening by osmosis.  I have to be willing to be scared, to risk, to feel uncertain and to feel alone ... I'm looking for a feeling of being fully alive, immersed in life and exhilerated to be alive.  That won't happen by staying "safe" and sheltered, by staying stuck and not moving forward.  Yes, I had cancer - But I have to remind myself I AM ALIVE, I SURVIVED.  And I also have to remember this: That's what was, not what is ... it's over now, that's all over now.  It changed me profoundly, for the better I believe, and for that I'm grateful.  Sometimes it's hard to move beyond something traumatic that happened to us, but it is worth putting in the effort to do just that.

I'm finally ready to get a tattoo will have meaning for me.  On my right wrist i'm getting a small caterpillar, then a blue semi colon next to it, then a butterfly next to that.  Signifying what I was, what happened (semi colon because that's literally what I have and because it denotes a pause, not an end, and blue for colon cancer) and what I am now - a beautiful butterfly.  Now I just need to find the right artist who can see my vision.  :-)

Hugs and blessings to all! 

Been a while ....

Sorry for such a lag in between posts lately - week before last I was at a 3-day seminar and last week I got sick on Tuesday and this thing is still dragging at me.  I haven't been this sick for this long since before I got cancer, and I really do think it's because I've been getting acupuncture so regularly for so long now.  But as of 2 months ago, when my acupuncturist moved out of state, I haven't been getting treatments.  So, instead I got sick.  :-(  Bad trade off in my opinion.

The seminar I went to was really good, and very different.  It was called 12 Months to Six Figures, and showed entrepreneurs & solopreneurs how to not waste time making common mistakes in starting your own business.  It was full of really great information, and not the stuff one might expect.  There were a lot of tools I can use right now in moving my consulting business forward, getting it up and running.   Good stuff.

I must admit I am feeling really overwhelmed with all that I feel I need to do.  I feel this constant pressure to get my business up and running, to make a sustainable income before this time next year.  A lot of that pressure comes from fear - fear of running out of money before I can support myself, having nowhere to turn and finding myself in an uncomfortable place.  And that fear is keeping me from really being present and just enjoying this time, these moments.  Somewhere inside of me I KNOW it's all going to be ok, I have no reason to believe or think otherwise.  I'm almost 52 years old, have survived and thrived through a lot of shit, a LOT of shit - And I've always been ok, sometimes better than ok.  I want to change things, have fun again and not always be so serious-minded, so fearful and pressured.  The only person making me feel that way is me, I'm the only one that can change it.  So I will.

Still feeling under the weather with this sinus infection/virus whatever it is.  Went to Dress for Success this morning, and got through one hour before I broke out in a cold sweat, felt weak & shaky and had to come home.  Oh well, that's still more than I felt like doing yesterday, so it's progress.

Better get back to work!  Best to all of you

Allita

Labor Day

Happy Labor Day peeps.  Another one of those holidays we all love to celebrate but know little/nothing about, or seem to care.  So many people sacrificed so much for all these holidays we enjoy, and very few people acknowledge those sacrifices, makes me sad.

It has been a very busy, productive week and will be again this next week.  I feel like I'm getting back into the fullness of life, and it doesn't make me feel overwhelmed like it did not long ago.   I don't have that feeling of needing to psych myself up, or prepare, to be busy and have a lot going on in my day or week.  I think that's due to a lot of things - 20 months of sobriety, feeling better physically, having some good solid help in finding my place in life again and getting my hormones more in balance again.

On that last note, I'm so excited to report that I seem to be getting my menopausal symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, absent libido, mood swings, poor sleep) under control with my essential oil products.  What a wild ride this has been!!  They removed my ovaries in my first cancer surgery, April 2011, then chemotherapy comes along and makes menopausal symptoms a living hell.  I finally get things under control in Spring '12 with compounded, bio-identical hormones and then my physician passes away.  I switch practices, everything gets re-adjusted (it was like starting all over again, kind of frustrating) and fine tuned, and while bliss had returned, I realized I was spending a fortune on that stuff.  And all along my goal had been to achieve balance and harmony in my body with the essential oil products, so in May/June of this year I quit taking my prescribed hormones and started tinkering with the oils.  It's taken a while to get balance again, but I can feel it coming back.  No hot flashes at all yesterday or yet today, no sweating last night, sleeping well and even beginning to feel my libido returning, which goes a long way towards a feeling of well-being with me.

This week I've got my Storytelling workshop, and then a 3-day seminar titled "12 Months to Six Figures" that I'm really excited about!  I've extended my work with my life coach Kami for another 9 weeks and have started working with a web designer to get a new website up and running.  My virtual assistant is working on a newsletter that will be going out the first week in November, and the Feminine Rising virtual retreat has been cancelled for September (thank God) and will start in October, giving me more time to pull my workshop together.  Things are falling into place, and I'm full of gratitude and a knowing that this will continue as long as I continue doing what's in front of me and staying authentic to who I am.  What a ride!!!

Have a fabulous week!

Happy Birthday Mom!!

On August 25th, 1924 my mother, Ella Celestia Good (later  Olsen Parlette) was born to Aura & Fred Good.  My mother has been gone now for 18 years, she would have been 90 years old today.  She was my best friend, the one person in this world who knew me best and loved me without qualification.  I could talk to her about anything, and did - we had great conversations!  Her family was her everything, and she worked very hard to not carry the baggage from her own broken childhood into mine.  She wasn't perfect, and neither was our relationship.  But I always knew for sure that I was loved and that there was one person on this planet for whom I was the center of their universe.

I remember when she died, one of my thoughts was that I'm an orphan now, no longer anyones child. I was only 32 when she passed and I remember how incredibly alone I felt, knowing I was no longer someones child.  Might sound like a funny thing to say/feel but think about it, it's a very "untethered" feeling, like a balloon just floating free, nothing and no one now to anchor you.  I was not married at the time and I never have had children.  Even getting married a few years later I never had that "I belong to someone now" feeling, although I think that was more a function of my particular marriage, not marriage in general.  But it is a very different feeling once your parents are gone - regardless of your age at that moment, that is when you realize (or I realized) that your childhood is truly and finally over.   There's no one left to ask what you were like as a baby, or hear the story of how your parents met, fell in love, what was going on in the world when you were in your mother's womb, or any of those other questions that remind us of where we came from.  I know not everyone had a good, healthy childhood or even parents that were in love with, let alone married to, each other.  But that's my story, and I'm really grateful for it.  Grateful that I had two parents, for however long I had them, that really & truly loved me, wanted me,  loved each other and modeled that for me.

There have been many moments since my mothers passing, mostly in the last few years as I have begun the process of becoming more conscious to life, that I have been able to see some elements of our relationship that weren't all that healthy.  I believed for years, most of my life, that I was a moody person and that that wasn't an attractive personality trait to the world, men especially.   What I know and accept now about myself is that I'm an introvert, and I can reach a point where being verbal with someone else is simply not possible until I "recharge" by going within and shutting down.  My mother struggled to understand those moments when I wasn't very communicative, and she would push me and keep pushing me, constantly asking what was wrong when there was nothing wrong, I just had nothing left to give for the moment and wanted to be left alone for a while.   But I was exactly like my father in that way, and she either had forgotten how he was (he died when I was 14) as I got older, or maybe it had bothered her about my Dad too, who knows.

Anyway,  I loved my mother deeply and never could stand being separated from her.  I still can't, I still feel like nothing has been quite right since she left.  But at the same time, I believe she needed to go and move onto whatever was next for her, and I needed to be without her for my own self-development.  I miss her, I miss that sense of knowing that all would be right when I was with her.  I miss knowing that for one person, there was no one more important than me, I came first for her.  But I still walk through this world with her love, hers and my fathers,  and that love has molded and shaped me in so many ways, it has given me the strength and confidence I've needed to survive this life without her.  I'm thankful and grateful that I had 32 years with her, that I was privileged to know the amazing woman that Celeste Parlette was (she stopped using her first name long before I was born) and most of all, grateful that she loved me.

Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.