What is this?

I know what I'm feeling today, just not sure at all why.  Feeling very lonely, sad and fatigued, extremely fatigued.  I feel like some weight sits on me and I have no idea what that's about.  It's like I'm supposed to be doing something different, something in particular, God's waiting for me to figure it out, but I just don't see it.  Weird & frustrating feeling.  Makes me want to just crawl back into my bed, hibernate and pretend this day never happened.  Know what I mean, or is that odd?

So the chapter writing is going really well, AND best of all we've been given an extension on our deadline.  Not sure what that is just yet, but I'm super thankful.  This is quite a process, it's like I'm trying to birth something here.  It's fascinating, and exhausting. Perhaps that's the connection to what/how I'm feeling today (lightbulb appears over head).  With all that's happened in the last 3 years, I've never written it all down in one cohesive manner, let alone honed it all down to something significant, a deeper meaning.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I've thought ALOT about the deeper message in these life events, but thinking about it and writing about it in a way that has meaning for someone else are two entirely different things my friends.  It's almost like some entirely new and amazing thought is waiting to pop out of my writing efforts.  I can't even tell you how dramatically different the story looks each time I get done writing, it gets better, sharper, clearer. So cool, and did I say exhausting? lol.

On the food front, I had some food tolerance testing done a few months back and one food in particular came back as a "Danger Will Robinson"type, aka a "red food" (pretty much means don't eat it until you've totally healed your gut, which I evidently haven't), and that is rice.  Other red foods were coconut and cinnamon, which I've been able to eat small amounts of lately.  But rice,,,, man every time I try just a little bit my poor GI system is in pain.  It does NOT work well in my body, and I've had a little rice over the past 24-48 hours and I'm really feeling it today.  Physically just not doing so well,,, another reason why crawling back into bed sounds like a really fabulous idea.

Will I go back to bed?  Will I write more this afternoon and continue this birthing process, or just rest and watch True Blood reruns?  lol stay tuned ....

Writing!

Doing more writing, of all kinds.  Getting back to this blog more, writing poetry, and there's a couple of letters I need to write.  One to mom and one to my best friend.  Sitting here at Starbucks where, believe it or not, I can better concentrate than at home.  At home I seem to be plagued by all the things that I need to do and accomplish, they're all over the place, staring at me.  Here, in the midst of all this noise and commotion, none of which applies to me, I can tune it all out and focus.

My contribution to this book  "In pursuit of the divine" is a 1500 word chapter, and a 100 word bio, along with a professional-looking head shot.  We had a kick off call last night, and now it's really up to me to get centered, quiet my mind and let it flow.  Easier said than done, but I'm also probably making it more problematic than I need to lol.  I'm an alcoholic, we like to complicate things.

Excited and ambivalent

I'm so excited to be participating in this book, an anthology, titled "In Pursuit of The Divine".  I have a 1500 word chapter to contribute, about empowerment.  The book will be out in April.  This feels so "right", so on target with God's overall plan for me.  Knowing I need to get to writing is, I think, one of the reasons I'm getting back to blogging again.  And I've been doing some poetry again lately too, so the creative juices are flowing.  More details to come on the book.

My ambivalence is about a possible part time job with Chris 4 Life.  Although they haven't offered me anything yet, and after our call last Friday I'm doubtful they will lol.  But since my cancer journey started, I knew I didn't want to just be identified as "Allita, the cancer survivor".  Also, I have a somewhat different approach to cancer, my journey through it and how I choose to see it.  I don't feel like a victim, I refuse to go around saying things like "fuck you cancer", etc.  I guess that's why the advocacy thing just feels off-task for me ,,, I know in my heart that the role God wants me to play in this is more about education, teaching people who will listen about things like clean food, listening to our body and how our government could care less if the food they're recommending is killing us.  That last one is a hard nut to swallow, but all I had to do is look at what's happening through eyes that aren't covered in rose colored glasses, and it's obvious.  I may be fighting an uphill battle, but that's no reason to not try.

But in the end, all of this is up to God, not me.  I just know that 2014 is going to be a year of pivotal change in my life, and I'm excited, doing what's in front of me to do, and putting things like my sobriety and peace of mind before anything or anyone else.

I feel the time is coming for me to face things with my best friend, tell her how i've been feeling and get that off my heart.  Enough time has passed that I can speak without anger or hurt feelings.  I know we're drifting apart, and I don't think that will change, but at least she'll know (hopefully) that I love her and always will.

Observations of change

So two things happened recently that let me know how much I'm changing, how my thoughts are changing.

The first was last Friday, when I had a phone interview with Chris 4 Life about a potential part time job later this summer.  I've been fairly ambivalent about getting this involved with a cancer organization as I don't want to define myself as just a cancer survivor ,,, however they do really great work and I could definitely learn a lot.  In any case, we had a good conversation and when I got off the phone, it struck me that my ambivalence may have come across, so I began an email that I hoped would remove that.  All of a sudden my new laptop just locked up, completely non responsive.  Powered off and on, no response.  Now, the previous version of me would have become obsessive about sending that email, using my iPhone if necessary, or finding someone else's computer.  But I sat back and realized this was God saying "leave it alone, I put that ambivalence in your heart for a reason, honor it and let it be".  Oddly enough, hours later, when any email I sent would have been totally ineffective, my laptop worked just fine and a geek at the Apple store could think of no reason for that to have happened.  I however, could ,,, it was God, and for once, I listened.

The other change that's been going on over the last week or two, or maybe even longer, is more profound to me and sort of leaves me in awe. I've been trying my whole life to fill this gap, or hole inside my self, with "stuff" ,,, alcohol, sugar, clothes, shoes, beauty products, attention from men,etc. And none of it was ever "enough" ,,, none.of.it.  A closet full of clothes, shoes, purses, etc, and I'd just keep buying more, and more, and more.  Never feeling like I had "enough", never feeling like I WAS "enough" ,,, that next purchase/drink/dress/pair of shoes/piece of cake/man, would finally fill me up and I'd magically feel a sense of fullness in my self and in my life.   Like I said, it never happened and over the course of my lifetime I've just gotten used to the feeling of "not enough".

Along comes the 12 steps of AA, through which I've learned to turn to God for fulfillment, because to not do so would bring me to a drink, and that could well kill me this time.  So the other day I walked through Nordstrom, looked at the beautiful clothes & shoes, and felt not one desire to acquire something, but neither was I avoiding looking & admiring. I felt neutral, knowing damn well I have more than enough "stuff" at home to satisfy ALL my needs AND wants.  This may seem like a small thing to you, but it's HUGE to me.  I've never felt that neutrality before ,,, usually the dialog in my head is going something like this "That's so cute, I could wear that to ________ and it would look great.  But I'm trying not to buy anything, I promised myself I wouldn't buy anything.  Can I spend the money?  I have my credit card but I'm trying not to use it, and I have something so similar.  But it's only $______, it won't break the bank and if I don't want to keep it I can always bring it back.  Ok I'm going to get it, I've been good lately, I deserve it.  And in both colors, oh and those other two things I just put back, I'm getting those too.  Whooo hoooo, new clothes!!  I feel kind of drunk".   lol, that's seriously what happens.  Shortly afterwards, the remorse and guilt comes in, the items get hung up in my closet, the thrill now gone, and I black out the whole scenario until next time, and forget even buying the items until I come across them in my closet and ask myself "when did I get this?".

So what felt so different this time, and every day lately, is just that knowing that I have all that I need, and want, already.  But what's also different this time, is there's no guilt telling me I need to purge what I have, lighten up, get rid of things, which just feels the pendulum swinging to the opposite extreme.  I feel neutral, content, balanced.  It's pretty amazing. <3

2014 Update

So once again, haven't been here in a while.  On the off chance anyone is reading this, here's a brief update of what's been happening in my life since September (that I can remember lol).

*  I turned 51 last October 29th and to celebrate I had an alcohol-free Origami Owl jewelry party at my house lol.  It was low key on purpose and it was perfect.  I was 9 months sober at that time and feeling pretty good.

*  Thanksgiving was totally different and beautiful. I spent the day with other sober folks, eating & watching football.  Was home in bed by 9, not having over eaten or drank, and it was just so calm, warm and truly peaceful.

*  In November I traveled to Washington DC twice, both for colon cancer awareness & advocacy events which were paid for (love that!).  Got to meet some of the people I share an online support group with, which I loved.  And hadn't been to DC before at all, so went to a few museums and got to see (and put my hand on) the Vietnam Memorial wall.  That was beyond powerful, it left me speechless.  Then went to the Holocaust Museum, which was honestly a big mistake for sensitive me, it was over powering, a totally different emotion than powerful.  Took me a few weeks and some tears to shake that feeling.  But the good news is I didn't feel the need to drink on either trip, and I also didn't eat anything that would upset the still-precarious balance in my digestive system that has been HARD fought.

*  I've now lost about 35-40 pounds since December 2012, feel fantastic and maybe even better than I felt before cancer.  I had some food sensitivity testing done last year and that helped a LOT.  So now, I eat mostly a paleo-type diet ,,, no grains(except occasionally a little gluten free oatmeal), dairy or sugar.  I also don't eat much red meat and mostly only cooked veggies (vs raw, not pretty).

*  The holidays were somewhat uneventful, in a good way, and quiet (which I'm learning to really love & value versus feeling restless).

*  Most importantly, on January 7th I celebrated 365 days of continuous sobriety.  It was, and is amazing, to see how much I have changed, how my life has changed (and keeps changing) and how much better my body is without alcohol in it.  I now have a sponsee that I'm beginning to work with, and she's a blessing.  I think the biggest lesson I am learning about life is that it runs a lot smoother when we can at least try to meet people where they are, and accept who THEY are, not who WE want/need them to be, which in my experience never works.

*  Still letting God run the show on all fronts, including what I'm supposed to do work-wise, going forward.  But He is beginning to give me glimpses of what He has in store for me.  I had a phone interview the other day with Chris 4 Life, a colorectal cancer education & advocacy group, who is adding some part time positions sometime this summer.  A little ambivalent about that, but it will be what it's meant to be.  I'm also going to be writing a book, due out in April, which is an anthology with about 20+ other women, titled "Empowerment for a Woman's Soul" in which I'll be contributing a chapter.  SO excited to be collaborating with these amazing, inspiring women, and I'll end up with bragging rights to say "I'm published".  Too too cool!!

*  Continuing to remind myself that life is a daily gig, that's all we get, this 24 hours (and sometimes not even that).   Choosing to stay in the present moment, focus on "be"ing versus "do"ing, and keep surrendering, accepting and most of all, and this is huge, learning to accept & love myself for just who I am.  Perfectly imperfect, flawlessly flawed and just how God wants me to be.

Thanks for reading!  Blessings xo

Sadness

Was feeling a little down or blue today, couldn't really put my finger on why.  Just now tears started to flow, and I realized that I'm hurting, inside.  So many changes in the last couple of years, people leaving my life or relationships changing, giving up and saying good bye forever to most of what made up my "life" before cancer and AA. 

And it hurts that some people in my life, mainly my "best friend", are so removed from what this recovery looks and feels like for me.  It hurts that someone who I've been so close to for 23 years now, shares no part of this with me, nor seems to want to.  And truthfully, six days out of seven, I can be ok with that and I see that things change with sobriety.  I'm changing, my life and what I want from it are changing, my heart is changing, my view is changing ,,, so it's realistic that some relationships are going to change.  And yet, it hurts never the less.  There's no real right or wrong here, which is probably why most days I deal with how things are, and try to let go of how things were, or how I want them to be in my ideal world.  It just hit me this afternoon, for whatever reason, that SO much has changed lately.  It hasn't all caught up with me, so it's also realistic that things will hit me hard from time to time.

I love my friend, always will, and I know for sure that she loves me too.  And, the somewhat painful truth is that we don't really "fit" like we used to, we've both changed.  Or maybe I'm only now, with the clear eyes of sobriety and burgeoning self-acceptance, seeing that we are who we've always been.  It just "feels" different now.  I don't know, not sure it matters.  Lovingly letting go of someone in your heart, realizing that they will always be a huge part of your past, are still a small part of your present, but will most likely not be part of your future, is much easier said than done.  And to let go without anger or pain is harder still ,,, we want someone to blame things on, to hold responsible when things in our life change, because change is hard.  My mother used to tell me the only constant in life is change, and I can remember completely discounting that, telling myself she knew nothing.  Turns out, as I've always suspected, my mother was wrong about very very little.  

What a day ...

Started out taking my car in very early to the dealer for service, and while there I found out my ex-husband's younger brother, about my age, passed away.  What a bunch of emotions that brought up ,,, I remember Jerry fondly (I've been divorced for about 8 years now), he was a very gentle, sensitive, sweet soul and we got along great, which I can't say for all my husband's siblings.  So I was remembering him, and feeling so sad that he's gone so soon.  He was a heavy drinker when I knew him, and while I don't know the reason for his passing, my suspicion is that booze played a part.  He had two sons, late teens/early 20's, and I can well imagine how they're feeling.  My own father died when I was 14, and it was rough to put it mildly. 

And I was also feeling very sad, once again, for the failure of my marriage, as memories of those days came flooding into my mind.  Since I had a rental car, and no particular plans for the day, after I hit an AA meeting, I just started driving.  It's such a beautiful spring day here, high 70's, a few big puffy clouds in the sky and my rental was an excellent host for this excursion.  My tears eventually stopped and I just let my mind wander, listening first to music and then an audiobook on my iPod.  At one point I just became very aware of how blessed I am, and how grateful I felt in that moment to be where I was, doing what I was doing, feeling everything honestly, no booze.  Make no mistake, the old me would have gone straight to a bar and spent a good deal of time there, before THEN getting in my car and driving around ,,, OR I would have bought a chilled bottle of wine and drove around all day drinking it.  Sad, but very true. 

Another couple things I didn't do today that I would have done before are around food and shopping.  At one point I stopped for a bathroom break, went inside the mini-mart and bought a bag of almonds and a bottle of water.  Traditionally my road snacks have been crunchy Cheetos, mini choc donuts and a diet dr pepper.  I know, real healthy huh?! lol, but nope, not today.  And then I decided to stop at one of my favorite dress shops, and despite seeing all kinds of things I would love having, (not necessarily wearing though, just having, as is my habit to date), I only bought two things for a total of $40.  I didn't feel any of the crazy, out of control, need-to-numb feelings that have so often accompanied my drinking, eating and shopping in the past.  It was pretty awesome, and I'm pretty exhausted.