I'm a published author!

Well peeps, as of this past Friday I am the co-author of an International Best Seller.  I don't truly know what means lol, but it sure sounds good and I'm extremely proud.   I'll post the link to the book on Amazon at the bottom.

It's been a pretty tumultuous, busy and eventful week.  Still grieving over, and missing, Milo.  But I have to say that, for the most part, my sadness has been replaced by a profound sense of gratitude for the love & strength he brought to my life during an extremely difficult time.  I also know that his leaving means more is coming, and that I'm ready for it, so there's some excited anticipation going on inside me as well.   I don't know what will come from our anthology being released but at the very least it is propelling me into action, and through the other side of my immediate comfort zone.  And while it's a little scary, it's also empowering to feel my life moving forward.

Another fun thing that happened this past week is I went on a date Friday night.  He was, is, a complete gentleman in every way, and it was a perfect, lovely evening.  We had a great conversation, I felt completely safe and for once in my life I am letting God run the show & guide me.  I'm looking forward to knowing him better, and actually letting myself be known better too.  That's a first, and another thing that is a little scary.  But it feels right to just let it happen, and not try to plan or predict it.  God is surely working in my life and I have every intention of letting it continue -  I'm so grateful.

Had my first session this past week with my life coach, and I am more glad than ever that I decided to do this.  She's such a blessing in my life, and our time together is more forward movement - feels really good, finally.  Just the thought of forward movement felt so scary and overwhelming for so long.

Here's the cover art for our book:

Isn't that a great photo?

Here's the link to ordering the book on Amazon:http://amzn.to/1hBiG5f

Thanks for listening.

Life post-Milo

It's almost impossible to believe, but as of today Milo has been gone for a week.  In some ways it feels longer and in others, it feels like yesterday.  I can walk into my home now without wanting to burst into tears.  I can look at the spot where his bed was in my bedroom and not feel pain.  I removed it, along with his food & water bowls the day he passed.  It was just too painful to see it, wishing he was in it.

What I know for sure at this point is:

• Milo was an angel in dog form sent to me by God to watch over me, love me and get me through my cancer & sobriety journey
• There was something very, very special about the love we shared and I will be grateful for that for the rest of my life. 
• I feel like a very special person has left my life. 
• I wish I could carry a sign that says "I'm hurting" so everyone would walk & talk softly around me.  
• Knowing what grief feels like, I know I'm smack dab in it.  I'm irritable, fatigued, wanting to just be alone and yet craving the comfort of anothers presence. 
• I hate the word "doggie" with a passion
• I'm going to just ignore those people who think I should just "take a whole day to grieve, then keep moving forward".  Grief doesn't actually work that way. 
• Milo was sent here for a finite period of time, until I was ready to stand on my own.  His being taken means, I believe, that God knows I'm now ready to do just that. 
• I miss him something awful.  I miss hugging him, I miss the way we used to press our foreheads together, the way he moaned in pleasure when I was loving on him, and the frisky little way he'd stare at me when he was hungry or wanted to go for a walk.  
• He has left a huge empty place in my life, and I think I'm ready for a real man to fill that spot. 

More later, I'm exhausted.  My book, In Pursuit of the Divine: Written Stories to Empower a Woman's Soul is being released tomorrow and I have a few things to do for that tonight.  I am about to be a published author, can't even believe it.  It feels surreal, in an amazingly good way! 

Love & Hugs

Letter to Milo

Dear Milo,

I still have such a hard time believing you're really gone.  I'm sorry it's taken me a few days to be able to write this, but every time I think about you I tend to start sobbing, and I know you wouldn't want me being sad.

My sweet boy, I want you to know how very much I loved you and what a huge difference you made in my life.  I still remember the day you picked me at the dog shelter 4 years ago ,,, I wasn't seeing you at first, but you just kept persistently barking at me, trying to get my attention.  And the funny thing is, since then, you've only barked a small handful of times.  And when Bella gave you a sniff and had no strong reaction to you, I knew we were good.  You jumped up in the back of the car and sat on the back seat just like the gentleman you were, you never moved and you never laid down, ever.  You always rode in the car just like that, looking around you, keeping an eye on me and letting me know you were right there with me.

We had some rocky moments over the years my boy, especially with your sister Bella.  I'm truly so sorry she was so mean to you, but you never punished her for it, you never got mean in return.  You forgave her, even when she tore your ear and we had to rush to the ER.  Your response to her was always, always, more compassion and more patience, albeit a little cautious and wary.  You taught me so much about forgiveness, in fact most of what I know about forgiveness I learned from watching you.

What I miss most about you Milo is your eyes, the way you would look deep into my soul with those eyes.  And you let me see into yours, and all I saw there was endless love, endless endless love.  You didn't leave me when I needed you most, even though the vet told me you only had 3 months to live.  You were determined to stay and see me through, and that you did.   I believe that you were an Angel, sent for that finite period of time, to teach me and to love me.  I learned so many lessons about just "being" from you .... all the times we'd go for a walk, me with the destination in mind but you were all about the journey, slowing down and enjoying it.  You'd plant your legs with your head down, and it was apparent we were NOT moving, and then you'd just lay down right there, on the lawn, in the shade and look at me with those eyes as if to say "chill out mom, enjoy this moment, there'll never be another one like this".  And I realized you were so right, I was so busy "going", getting to the destination, that I lost sight of the beauty along the way.  And I've applied that lesson you taught me, with those beautiful eyes of yours, to so many areas of my life.

So right now, I'm sitting here on our back patio, I've been throwing the ball for Bella, you know how she is.  It's a beautiful, sunny Spring day, and I'm picturing you laying right under my feet or beside me, eventually going to lay in the big hole in the lawn that you continued digging deeper to get to the cool dirt down below.  You loved that hole, and I just left it for you all these years.  I filled it in the day you died, couldn't stand looking at it, it just reminded me of you and I wanted you back.  The minute you were gone on Thursday, I just wanted you back.  I wandered the house after Dr. Ann took you away, crying, I just wanted to see you again, I wanted you to not be gone from me.  I set you free because you needed to go, and I owed you that at the very least.  You loved me so completely, without any conditions, demands or expectations, and as hard as it was to let you go when I did, I knew it was what you would do for me if our situations were reversed.  You taught me that too sweet angel, you taught me what unselfish love looks and feels like, and I will never forget the gift you gave me, the gift you were to me.

I'll have more to say to you later, but for now know that I miss you so very, very much.  But I see you playing, running and being free, spreading your beautiful heart everywhere you go.  And I feel your presence, your love and your strength here with me, and I will keep that part of you with me forever.  You were an Angel sent to me, and now you're with the Angels once again ... that's as it should be.  I love you Milo, my Miracle Milo, and I will never, ever forget you.  Be at peace sweet boy.  Love, mom

RIP Maya Angelou ... I will dearly miss you

I Rise 

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may tread me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise. 

Maya Angelou

My patio

One of my very favorite places to be is where I am at this moment ,,, sitting on my back patio, at my new table while one dog lays at my feet and the other one tries desperately to get me to throw her ball repeatedly.  :-)  It's a happy place and time, sitting here sipping my tea, eating breakfast, listening to the wind in the trees, watching the dog walking/bike riding activity in the park right behind & below my house.  This is something very precious to me, this morning ritual of moving slowly & thoughtfully into my day.  It is extremely important to me to preserve this, and while I know we all have to make a living, including me, my intention is to design a full life where this precious morning time remains as is.

I'm so grateful for this not just because I know there are people who don't have this, or even because there was a time when I didn't have it either.  My gratitude really springs from clearly remembering a time when I had it and didn't know how precious it was, and when it was taken from me while I was sick.  All those morning laying in that hospital bed three years ago, physically and mentally incapable of recalling how it felt to feel good, to not be in pain and to have ones own life without tubes, nurses, all manner of strange pharmaceuticals and no fresh air.  They really need to make hospital rooms with windows that open ... fresh air is crucial when you're trying to heal, I think it is anyway.

My gratitude now also remembers a time, a lifetime, of mornings where I was hung over, exhausted from trying to sleep with too much alcohol in my body, regrets over having drunk so much (yet again) and maybe what I did the night before (or who I did it with), feeling puffy and bloated, my stomach and head in turmoil, dehydrated and just having no peace whatsoever in my heart.  Feeling like I'd failed again, beating myself up again for not being stronger, smarter and more capable.  And in all of that, there was no appreciation of the life I had, the beauty of the morning and it's surroundings.  I thought I was a grateful person then, but I see now that my gratitude was more about what I had avoided, or what I had "gotten", not for this beautiful life because I couldn't stop berating myself long enough to be present to what was.

I'm still not always present to what is, appreciating each moment and letting future moments unfold as they will.  But I am doing a whole lot better than I was, and have stopped trying SO hard to be someone that I am not and never will be.  I surrendered my attempts at controlled/disciplined/moderate drinking, accepted my powerlessness and in doing so, I got myself back.  That's pretty powerful stuff, and I'm grateful for that too.

Ok, going back to sipping tea, throwing the ball and relishing the moment.  Have a great day!!

Food obsessions

So I just noticed something - A significant difference in my body when I ate an orange versus when I ate maple syrup (aka sugar).  

You may not know this about me, but I don't just have an addiction to alcohol, I also have an addiction to sugar.  And like alcohol, I have no shut off valve with sugar and it's really, really bad for me.  My whole life I wondered what the heck people meant by a "sugar high" ... all I've ever gotten from sugar (in any form other than fruit) is an instant feeling of lethargy & fatigue, a racing pulse & pounding heart.  However, once I get it in me, all I want is more, and more, and more.  And with each bite, I feel worse, and worse, and worse.  Once I've gotten it out of my system, I don't crave it ... but it's that "getting it out of my system" that is challenging.  Exactly how my alcohol addiction behaves, exactly.  

So tonight I told myself I could have a spoonful of almond butter with maple syrup (I know, weird combo but there it is :-) ) if I had an orange first.  I ate the orange, relished it's cool sweet juiciness.  I felt the sensation of freshness, of being refreshed, and of lightness.  Then I ate the almond butter/maple syrup combo, and felt heavy, burdened and my heart started pounding.  One food left me  feeling light, the other left me feeling heavy.  Hmmmmm, I really like having that comparison in my head next time I reach for one versus the other.  

Aaaand, I notice when I put a citrus essential oil in my drinking water (Tangerine, Orange, Lemon or Grapefruit) I don't have those sugar cravings!!  Happy observation.  :-) 

Asking for help

I don't know about you guys, but asking for help has to be one of the toughest things for me to do.  And it's not that it is hard to ask - it's hard to remember to ask, I just don't think "gee, maybe someone else knows this thing I don't know and would be willing to help me".  No, my thoughts go more like "I've got to figure this out to feel good about myself, as I'm sure everyone else in the world can do this except me".

So, last week, after noting and writing about feeling stagnant, it finally occurred to me that I need help.  I have all these irons in the fire right now, and am struggling with how to pull them all together into something cohesive that I enjoy doing and can earn a living from.  My thinking was that it would somehow just come together, as long as I'm moving forward it will coalesce without my having to make it happen, which I obviously don't have the current skills to do.

Since that doesn't seem to be happening, I decided to ask for help in the form of a personal life coach.  I'm really so excited about taking this step.  It won't be cheap, but she's very good at what she does so I know I'll get much more than my money's worth.  Plus, I believe that I'm putting out into the universe what I'd like to receive ... abundance, in all it's many forms.

So begins the next step in my evolution, or beautiful metamorphosis.  Yayyy me!  :-)

Good night for now!