Book chapter

My book chapter is done, and I feel SO good about it!!  I finished it last night, sent it to the compiler (like a project manager) for review.  I thought I felt good about what I wrote the first go round, but this is totally different and, in my opinion, truly good, profoundly meaningful.  I felt last night, and still feel this morning, an energy that is new to me.  It feels calm & peaceful, but at the same time like something is about to explode, in a good way.  Like there's something just under the surface that is waiting to get out.  I'm feeling very excited and energized!!

Nails are completely off, learning to type again with my own fingertips.  I'm loving it ,,, there's a whole list of things I haven't been able to do well for years now with those fingernails on.  And here's the thing I've discovered once I got them off -- I wore them for decades because in my opinion my hands were ugly without them.  I formed that opinion at a time in my life when I was pretty full of self loathing, and in all these years I never thought to question it.  So once I got them all off last week, I realized I really like my own hands, just like they are.  I'd say that means all my self-work in the last year has made an impact on me.  Self acceptance is so amazing, such a gift ... life changing.

I'm excited about tomorrow, I'm going to something called I Can Do It, an all day conference with many motivational speakers and authors with Hay House Publishing, started by Louise Hay.  I actually get to see Louise, and several others whose books I've read and learned so much from.

Cheers.

On my mind

So a couple of things are on my mind tonite.

One is this ... I do know in my heart that in time, God will reveal to me what my life's purpose and passion is about and how I'm going to make a living from all these experiences.  Don't get me wrong, I'm financially ok today and for several more today's.  But a  year from now I might not be feeling that way, and in all honesty what I'm living off of would have been a fabulous retirement if/when I got to that point.  But I am grateful that God is allowing me this time to figure things out, and to give His plans for me time to be revealed.  And 95% of the time I walk on Faith, taking one day at a time, and trusting the process.  But sometimes, like today for some reason, I let fear walk alongside me and it's voice gets in my head a little bit.

And that brings me to the other thing on my mind, and that is this lesson I believe I'm learning, or that  God is trying to teach me, about shutting out and shutting down the voices of the world around me and tuning into what's in my own heart & mind, which I believe is the voice of God.  This is what keeps coming through to me, and every time I start getting too caught up in what I call "general beliefs" I feel like I'm not ok the way I am, that I should be doing something different.  But it's those feelings that were why I drank, and that certainly didn't work out very well.

I'm still figuring out what it is about my book chapter that needs work, if it even does.  We've gotten more guidance on what the book and it's stories are meant to convey, so that helps.  And I don't feel deflated anymore by the feedback I've gotten.  I know for a fact that it was NOT meant to come across as critical, and intent is what really matters.

So, my pink & white acrylic nails are coming off today.  It's been a long time coming, and while it seems like just a cosmetic change, it's so much more than that.  These nails have been a big part of my inability to accept myself, and my hands lol, for who I am.  They've been on for decades, and I truly believed I was unattractive without them.  Now, getting rid of them feels so liberating and I'm so ready to be done with all that maintenance, time & money spent on upkeep.  One less stressful thing to fill my life with, one more step in accepting myself for who I am.  PLUS, I'm sitting here typing with my own fingertips, which I haven't done in soooo long, it feels kind of weird but really, really good.  Maybe this is indicative that I'll be writing more.  :-)

Deflated

So I finally finished my chapter last weekend, the first actual draft anyway.  I felt so proud of what I had come out with, and sent it off to a few friends to read and give me feedback.  It's more than just some story though, it's MY story, it's me.   It feels so personal when someone critiques it but I asked for feedback, I need to be able to take it or I shouldn't ask for it.  But I have to confess, I'm feeling a little deflated over the whole process now.  Thankfully, the deadline has been extended to the 31st so I have some time.

I am SO excited that the house across the street from me is under contract after being on the market for 3 days, at a price that is really exciting.  I'm feeling so energized at the idea of getting my house ready to sell next year.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my house, but I do NOT love living in Aurora, I just don't.  No idea where I do want to live right now, but that will come in time as well.  I'm excited to move forward, but I will be sad to leave my house.  That house has been, by the far, the happiest home I've had since my father died 38 years ago.  I knew I would live there the minute I walked in, it's like the house was just waiting for me.  Every time I walk in, I feel that sense of "ahhhhhh" like I can exhale, all is well.  I'm sure Milo will be gone by the time I leave, and that will make 3 dogs I've said good bye to in that house, as well as recuperated from cancer, had lots of parties/holiday gatherings in, and so much, much more.  But I have NO doubt that my next home will be just as welcoming and feel just as good ... and who knows, maybe I won't be there by myself. :-)

What is this?

I know what I'm feeling today, just not sure at all why.  Feeling very lonely, sad and fatigued, extremely fatigued.  I feel like some weight sits on me and I have no idea what that's about.  It's like I'm supposed to be doing something different, something in particular, God's waiting for me to figure it out, but I just don't see it.  Weird & frustrating feeling.  Makes me want to just crawl back into my bed, hibernate and pretend this day never happened.  Know what I mean, or is that odd?

So the chapter writing is going really well, AND best of all we've been given an extension on our deadline.  Not sure what that is just yet, but I'm super thankful.  This is quite a process, it's like I'm trying to birth something here.  It's fascinating, and exhausting. Perhaps that's the connection to what/how I'm feeling today (lightbulb appears over head).  With all that's happened in the last 3 years, I've never written it all down in one cohesive manner, let alone honed it all down to something significant, a deeper meaning.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I've thought ALOT about the deeper message in these life events, but thinking about it and writing about it in a way that has meaning for someone else are two entirely different things my friends.  It's almost like some entirely new and amazing thought is waiting to pop out of my writing efforts.  I can't even tell you how dramatically different the story looks each time I get done writing, it gets better, sharper, clearer. So cool, and did I say exhausting? lol.

On the food front, I had some food tolerance testing done a few months back and one food in particular came back as a "Danger Will Robinson"type, aka a "red food" (pretty much means don't eat it until you've totally healed your gut, which I evidently haven't), and that is rice.  Other red foods were coconut and cinnamon, which I've been able to eat small amounts of lately.  But rice,,,, man every time I try just a little bit my poor GI system is in pain.  It does NOT work well in my body, and I've had a little rice over the past 24-48 hours and I'm really feeling it today.  Physically just not doing so well,,, another reason why crawling back into bed sounds like a really fabulous idea.

Will I go back to bed?  Will I write more this afternoon and continue this birthing process, or just rest and watch True Blood reruns?  lol stay tuned ....

Writing!

Doing more writing, of all kinds.  Getting back to this blog more, writing poetry, and there's a couple of letters I need to write.  One to mom and one to my best friend.  Sitting here at Starbucks where, believe it or not, I can better concentrate than at home.  At home I seem to be plagued by all the things that I need to do and accomplish, they're all over the place, staring at me.  Here, in the midst of all this noise and commotion, none of which applies to me, I can tune it all out and focus.

My contribution to this book  "In pursuit of the divine" is a 1500 word chapter, and a 100 word bio, along with a professional-looking head shot.  We had a kick off call last night, and now it's really up to me to get centered, quiet my mind and let it flow.  Easier said than done, but I'm also probably making it more problematic than I need to lol.  I'm an alcoholic, we like to complicate things.

Excited and ambivalent

I'm so excited to be participating in this book, an anthology, titled "In Pursuit of The Divine".  I have a 1500 word chapter to contribute, about empowerment.  The book will be out in April.  This feels so "right", so on target with God's overall plan for me.  Knowing I need to get to writing is, I think, one of the reasons I'm getting back to blogging again.  And I've been doing some poetry again lately too, so the creative juices are flowing.  More details to come on the book.

My ambivalence is about a possible part time job with Chris 4 Life.  Although they haven't offered me anything yet, and after our call last Friday I'm doubtful they will lol.  But since my cancer journey started, I knew I didn't want to just be identified as "Allita, the cancer survivor".  Also, I have a somewhat different approach to cancer, my journey through it and how I choose to see it.  I don't feel like a victim, I refuse to go around saying things like "fuck you cancer", etc.  I guess that's why the advocacy thing just feels off-task for me ,,, I know in my heart that the role God wants me to play in this is more about education, teaching people who will listen about things like clean food, listening to our body and how our government could care less if the food they're recommending is killing us.  That last one is a hard nut to swallow, but all I had to do is look at what's happening through eyes that aren't covered in rose colored glasses, and it's obvious.  I may be fighting an uphill battle, but that's no reason to not try.

But in the end, all of this is up to God, not me.  I just know that 2014 is going to be a year of pivotal change in my life, and I'm excited, doing what's in front of me to do, and putting things like my sobriety and peace of mind before anything or anyone else.

I feel the time is coming for me to face things with my best friend, tell her how i've been feeling and get that off my heart.  Enough time has passed that I can speak without anger or hurt feelings.  I know we're drifting apart, and I don't think that will change, but at least she'll know (hopefully) that I love her and always will.

Observations of change

So two things happened recently that let me know how much I'm changing, how my thoughts are changing.

The first was last Friday, when I had a phone interview with Chris 4 Life about a potential part time job later this summer.  I've been fairly ambivalent about getting this involved with a cancer organization as I don't want to define myself as just a cancer survivor ,,, however they do really great work and I could definitely learn a lot.  In any case, we had a good conversation and when I got off the phone, it struck me that my ambivalence may have come across, so I began an email that I hoped would remove that.  All of a sudden my new laptop just locked up, completely non responsive.  Powered off and on, no response.  Now, the previous version of me would have become obsessive about sending that email, using my iPhone if necessary, or finding someone else's computer.  But I sat back and realized this was God saying "leave it alone, I put that ambivalence in your heart for a reason, honor it and let it be".  Oddly enough, hours later, when any email I sent would have been totally ineffective, my laptop worked just fine and a geek at the Apple store could think of no reason for that to have happened.  I however, could ,,, it was God, and for once, I listened.

The other change that's been going on over the last week or two, or maybe even longer, is more profound to me and sort of leaves me in awe. I've been trying my whole life to fill this gap, or hole inside my self, with "stuff" ,,, alcohol, sugar, clothes, shoes, beauty products, attention from men,etc. And none of it was ever "enough" ,,, none.of.it.  A closet full of clothes, shoes, purses, etc, and I'd just keep buying more, and more, and more.  Never feeling like I had "enough", never feeling like I WAS "enough" ,,, that next purchase/drink/dress/pair of shoes/piece of cake/man, would finally fill me up and I'd magically feel a sense of fullness in my self and in my life.   Like I said, it never happened and over the course of my lifetime I've just gotten used to the feeling of "not enough".

Along comes the 12 steps of AA, through which I've learned to turn to God for fulfillment, because to not do so would bring me to a drink, and that could well kill me this time.  So the other day I walked through Nordstrom, looked at the beautiful clothes & shoes, and felt not one desire to acquire something, but neither was I avoiding looking & admiring. I felt neutral, knowing damn well I have more than enough "stuff" at home to satisfy ALL my needs AND wants.  This may seem like a small thing to you, but it's HUGE to me.  I've never felt that neutrality before ,,, usually the dialog in my head is going something like this "That's so cute, I could wear that to ________ and it would look great.  But I'm trying not to buy anything, I promised myself I wouldn't buy anything.  Can I spend the money?  I have my credit card but I'm trying not to use it, and I have something so similar.  But it's only $______, it won't break the bank and if I don't want to keep it I can always bring it back.  Ok I'm going to get it, I've been good lately, I deserve it.  And in both colors, oh and those other two things I just put back, I'm getting those too.  Whooo hoooo, new clothes!!  I feel kind of drunk".   lol, that's seriously what happens.  Shortly afterwards, the remorse and guilt comes in, the items get hung up in my closet, the thrill now gone, and I black out the whole scenario until next time, and forget even buying the items until I come across them in my closet and ask myself "when did I get this?".

So what felt so different this time, and every day lately, is just that knowing that I have all that I need, and want, already.  But what's also different this time, is there's no guilt telling me I need to purge what I have, lighten up, get rid of things, which just feels the pendulum swinging to the opposite extreme.  I feel neutral, content, balanced.  It's pretty amazing. <3