Was feeling a little down or blue today, couldn't really put my finger on why. Just now tears started to flow, and I realized that I'm hurting, inside. So many changes in the last couple of years, people leaving my life or relationships changing, giving up and saying good bye forever to most of what made up my "life" before cancer and AA.
And it hurts that some people in my life, mainly my "best friend", are so removed from what this recovery looks and feels like for me. It hurts that someone who I've been so close to for 23 years now, shares no part of this with me, nor seems to want to. And truthfully, six days out of seven, I can be ok with that and I see that things change with sobriety. I'm changing, my life and what I want from it are changing, my heart is changing, my view is changing ,,, so it's realistic that some relationships are going to change. And yet, it hurts never the less. There's no real right or wrong here, which is probably why most days I deal with how things are, and try to let go of how things were, or how I want them to be in my ideal world. It just hit me this afternoon, for whatever reason, that SO much has changed lately. It hasn't all caught up with me, so it's also realistic that things will hit me hard from time to time.
I love my friend, always will, and I know for sure that she loves me too. And, the somewhat painful truth is that we don't really "fit" like we used to, we've both changed. Or maybe I'm only now, with the clear eyes of sobriety and burgeoning self-acceptance, seeing that we are who we've always been. It just "feels" different now. I don't know, not sure it matters. Lovingly letting go of someone in your heart, realizing that they will always be a huge part of your past, are still a small part of your present, but will most likely not be part of your future, is much easier said than done. And to let go without anger or pain is harder still ,,, we want someone to blame things on, to hold responsible when things in our life change, because change is hard. My mother used to tell me the only constant in life is change, and I can remember completely discounting that, telling myself she knew nothing. Turns out, as I've always suspected, my mother was wrong about very very little.
Metamorphosis
