Sadness

Was feeling a little down or blue today, couldn't really put my finger on why.  Just now tears started to flow, and I realized that I'm hurting, inside.  So many changes in the last couple of years, people leaving my life or relationships changing, giving up and saying good bye forever to most of what made up my "life" before cancer and AA. 

And it hurts that some people in my life, mainly my "best friend", are so removed from what this recovery looks and feels like for me.  It hurts that someone who I've been so close to for 23 years now, shares no part of this with me, nor seems to want to.  And truthfully, six days out of seven, I can be ok with that and I see that things change with sobriety.  I'm changing, my life and what I want from it are changing, my heart is changing, my view is changing ,,, so it's realistic that some relationships are going to change.  And yet, it hurts never the less.  There's no real right or wrong here, which is probably why most days I deal with how things are, and try to let go of how things were, or how I want them to be in my ideal world.  It just hit me this afternoon, for whatever reason, that SO much has changed lately.  It hasn't all caught up with me, so it's also realistic that things will hit me hard from time to time.

I love my friend, always will, and I know for sure that she loves me too.  And, the somewhat painful truth is that we don't really "fit" like we used to, we've both changed.  Or maybe I'm only now, with the clear eyes of sobriety and burgeoning self-acceptance, seeing that we are who we've always been.  It just "feels" different now.  I don't know, not sure it matters.  Lovingly letting go of someone in your heart, realizing that they will always be a huge part of your past, are still a small part of your present, but will most likely not be part of your future, is much easier said than done.  And to let go without anger or pain is harder still ,,, we want someone to blame things on, to hold responsible when things in our life change, because change is hard.  My mother used to tell me the only constant in life is change, and I can remember completely discounting that, telling myself she knew nothing.  Turns out, as I've always suspected, my mother was wrong about very very little.  

What a day ...

Started out taking my car in very early to the dealer for service, and while there I found out my ex-husband's younger brother, about my age, passed away.  What a bunch of emotions that brought up ,,, I remember Jerry fondly (I've been divorced for about 8 years now), he was a very gentle, sensitive, sweet soul and we got along great, which I can't say for all my husband's siblings.  So I was remembering him, and feeling so sad that he's gone so soon.  He was a heavy drinker when I knew him, and while I don't know the reason for his passing, my suspicion is that booze played a part.  He had two sons, late teens/early 20's, and I can well imagine how they're feeling.  My own father died when I was 14, and it was rough to put it mildly. 

And I was also feeling very sad, once again, for the failure of my marriage, as memories of those days came flooding into my mind.  Since I had a rental car, and no particular plans for the day, after I hit an AA meeting, I just started driving.  It's such a beautiful spring day here, high 70's, a few big puffy clouds in the sky and my rental was an excellent host for this excursion.  My tears eventually stopped and I just let my mind wander, listening first to music and then an audiobook on my iPod.  At one point I just became very aware of how blessed I am, and how grateful I felt in that moment to be where I was, doing what I was doing, feeling everything honestly, no booze.  Make no mistake, the old me would have gone straight to a bar and spent a good deal of time there, before THEN getting in my car and driving around ,,, OR I would have bought a chilled bottle of wine and drove around all day drinking it.  Sad, but very true. 

Another couple things I didn't do today that I would have done before are around food and shopping.  At one point I stopped for a bathroom break, went inside the mini-mart and bought a bag of almonds and a bottle of water.  Traditionally my road snacks have been crunchy Cheetos, mini choc donuts and a diet dr pepper.  I know, real healthy huh?! lol, but nope, not today.  And then I decided to stop at one of my favorite dress shops, and despite seeing all kinds of things I would love having, (not necessarily wearing though, just having, as is my habit to date), I only bought two things for a total of $40.  I didn't feel any of the crazy, out of control, need-to-numb feelings that have so often accompanied my drinking, eating and shopping in the past.  It was pretty awesome, and I'm pretty exhausted. 

Observation

I've had a nice, relaxing and yet productive day so far ,,, made some really good progress with my clothes in the garage that need to be sold.  That alone feels like a giant weight off.  And yet ...

I came in to pay some bills and check out my account online, and found that I have very little money in my checking account until a transfer comes through that I made last night.  And instantly, I'm looking at what's available on my credit cards so I can go buy something, or order something online.  To make me feel better, I'm willing to spend even more money on things I don't need, or even want.  Why do I do that?? 

It was the same with drinking, and is the same today with eating.  Anytime I get uncomfortable, or feel judgemental about myself, my choices and decisions, I want to do something destructive, telling myself ,,,, well I don't know what I'm telling myself.   Or maybe I shut my inner voice down, I just eat/drink/shop to drown it out, make it shut up. 

My dog ...

I actually have two dogs, Bella and Milo, and it's Milo that I want to talk about today. 

I adopted him three years ago, when he was about 6 or 7, from the Dumb Friends League.  I didn't even notice him at first, and when I did look at him, I totally disregarded him as a companion for my young dog Bella.  Bella had been 8 weeks old when I got her from another shelter, and I'd first met and picked her out when she was only 3 weeks old.  At that time I had two grown, older dogs who both passed within a few months of each other when Bella was less than a year old.

At first I thought we'd just keep things the way they were, but I think I just needed time to grieve.  So I wasn't looking for an older dog when I went to the Adoption center that day in January, but Milo kept barking as if to say "I'm for you Lady, look over here at me", and eventually I did look.  He was very mellow and happy to just get some attention, and best of all Bella approved of him.  Over the last three years I have really come to love this dog ,,, he's just so easy, he makes no demands at all and just gives love. 

So now his kidneys are showing signs of failing and other things are showing up in his bloodwork.  But the amazing thing is, and why I wanted to write about him today, is that the difference between how he appears/acts, and how his bloodwork says he should be acting are different like night and day.  He looks healthy, happy, vital and very much alive ,,, yet his tests show a dog who is very sick and about a year ago was given a 3 month prognosis of life.  But Milo evidently has no intention of going anywhere, and sometimes he gazes at my face with so much love, intelligence and compassion.  It's as if he's saying to me "Don't believe everything you hear, YOU are in charge of your life, and no one else".

Milo came to my life for a reason, he is my teacher and one of many amazing spirit guides I have had in this life so far.  He teaches me every day what being really human feels like.  And isn't that amazing for a dog. :-)

Uncertain future ...

So I've gone through a 12 month health coaching program, and thought sure that opening a consulting practice was what life had planned for me.  My intention was to use my combination of knowledge and experience to coach other cancer survivors to discover what true health, holistic health, meant for them so they wouldn't need to repeat their cancer experience.  I've known from the time I was diagnosed that my cancer didn't need to have happened, and there are emotional reasons it did.  Louise Hay says cancer is an unwillingness to release something, to let go.  I've been thinking about that a lot, and working on digging into what that might be for me. 

I could also see myself lecturing, maybe offering workshops, on discovering true health.  Possibly writing a book about my experiences. 

But today I was pondering all of that on my drive to get some blood drawn to check my hormone level (which didn't happen, someone wasn't well trained on blood draws, frustrating and painful).  And what came to me, what I realized, is that future still doesn't feel real.  By that I mean, I sense that's not yet what this is all about, what I'm meant to be doing with my life.  I have faith, so much more than I used to, that my job is just to keep moving forward.  The ultimate plan is not mine to figure out or know. 

What I do know, and feel with more conviction every passing day, is that my getting sober is the key to everything.  That my true destiny could never have come to pass without this huge piece falling into place.  Keeping the faith, moving forward, taking things one day at a time, and continuing to work on loving myself ,,, those are my intentions for now.   Not always easy, but a lot of potential positive outcomes. 

Snowy and cold today, getting a lot of cleaning out done around the house, feels good.  Not going to my women's 12-step workshop, roads too risky.  Just staying in and enjoying the down time ,,, nothing lasts forever, so being really present and enjoying the moment for just what is, that's the ticket.  :-) 

Grateful

Yes, grateful ,,, that's truly how I feel most days, at least lately.  Some of the intense anger is gone for now, and I don't feel so sad either.  Grieving something that can never be is helpful to a certain point, at least for me, and then it's time to get back into living the present. 

I was feeling grief over the life that I didn't live, partly due to an obsession with alcohol, which I honestly believe kept me from seeing things for what they really were.  I allowed my body, my mind and my heart to be used and de-valued, and that hurts me to accept.  But I can't change it, and perhaps, just maybe, going through those moments is what allowed this moment to finally occur.  Maybe I couldn't have gotten here, this exact place at this exact moment, without the very journey I was on.  I always say "everything happens for a reason", and I believe that ,,, but I guess it's easier to apply that to small things than to 30+ years of ones life. 

I watched the movie Flight last night, and wow did it hit hard.  I sat there afterwards crying like a baby, which is really the first time I've truly cried in private over all of this.  I've cried in a few meetings, but couldn't seem to let go otherwise.  Watching all the things he threw away, all the people who tried to love him, the damage and destruction his drinking created, and when he finally admitted he was an alcoholic, I felt that in the core of my being.  Making that admission was so HARD for me too.  You start out in life with such hopes for yourself, dreams of greatness and success.  And realizing that you, just like millions before you, belong in a room called AA where you come clean about your "stinking drinking thinking" feels like failure at first.  But I'm now starting to see it as growth rather than failure.  I didn't make myself an alcoholic, I was born this way, it's a disease, not something we do to ourselves.  There is no fault that I need to own, so there's no failure.  The growth of admitting it, getting help, having the courage to face life in a totally new and different way ,,, some people don't make it this far, and we hear of their tragic deaths all the time.  With my whole heart, I want this life to be something truly wonderful and magical, and I'm starting to feel that happening, now, finally. 

One of the hardest things for me right now is that the people I'm closest to and call family, have NO idea what this is like for me.  In many ways, this process of getting to know myself all over again as a sober human being, and learning what that means for me, my life & future, is so much harder than surviving cancer ,,, it truly is.  I'm going through this monumental thing, and yet my closest friends ask me questions like "are you still doing the non-drinking thing?", like just "not drinking" is all there is to this ,,, like choosing to stop eating meat, or drive a white/black/blue/red car any more.  To not feel support from the people you love and who love you, for the biggest challenge you've ever faced, is hard.  It's not their fault, I get that intellectually ,,, until/unless someone is walking this path, there is no way to truly understand it, I do get that.  And yet it's frustrating, isolating and hurtful.  I'm so thankful that I have other AA's in my life that I can share those feelings with ,,, very thankful. 

It truly is exciting to finally sense myself becoming the woman that I was always intended to be, that God intended me to be.  I can't really find words for how amazing this feels, it's overwhelming in such a beautiful, hopeful way.  I could wish and have regrets that it didn't happen earlier, but it really couldn't have happened any other time.  I needed to get to this place in the exact way I got here, life is unfolding exactly as it is meant to.  I'm soooo grateful to be here, now, in this place, learning these lessons and overcoming these challenges.  

Blessings!

90 Days

Yep, as of today I have not indulged in drink for 90 days.  There was a time when this was an inconceivable notion ,,, just going for a whole week was an inconceivable notion.  And while I am recognizing how hard this has been, and that's an understatement if ever there was one, I also know I've only begun with what needs to happen to keep me sober, both literally and mentally. 

Contrary to what my non-alcoholic friends/associates seem to think, the process of "getting sober" isn't about just figuring out how to tough it out and not drink alcohol.  An alcoholic, from what I can tell so far, doesn't see things for what they really are.  Those "things" include our past, our relationships, ourselves, even our own thoughts.  This is definitely true for me.  With each day that passes, I learn more about myself, I question more about myself and my past, and I love that.  I'm like two very different people now, two sides of myself I guess you could say.  There's the me that is all emotion and feelings, very little reason and or sanity.  And then there's what I call my "wise, mature self" ,,, the voice of reason, heck maybe the voice of God, speaking to me through me.  That part of me is willing to question everything, every.single.thing, about what I've always believed and thought to be true.  I can no longer accept all the old stories I've either told myself, or been told by someone (parents, family, teachers, etc.), because to accept all of that is to drink again. 

I feel so much more joy today than I did a couple of weeks ago, and in that is the acceptance that it's ok to take care of myself, to do whatever I need to do in order to feel this joy.  And in my case, that means not communicating with certain people very often, if at all.  It also means, and this one is WAY harder to accept, that what others think of me or expect of me (even if I'm assuming all of that) should NOT be the guide by which I live my life.  Crazy that at 50 years of age I am finally learning to be okay with that ,,, learning, just beginning in fact. 

This process of getting sober feels like the very crux of what life has been leading me towards for decades now, and it's the biggest, most amazingly stupendously ginormous thing I could ever have imagined.  People keep asking me "what are you doing now?  are you working?  what do you do all day?", and I just stare at them thinking "Don't you fucking GET IT????  I'm getting sober, that's what I'm doing, and that's HUGE, it's EVERYTHING!!!".  But no, they don't get it ,,, and neither did I before it was my turn, and it's ok.  It's insane, it's crazy, and it's so BEAUTIFULLY RIGHT.  I am EXACTLY where I need to be, doing EXACTLY what I need to be doing.  I cry every day, not from pain or fear, just from knowing that I am finally, at last, getting it.  I finally get it. 

Am I becoming lazy

Sometimes I just wonder if I'm taking all this down time to heal, or am I just hiding, avoiding?  I can't not work forever, and I do want to get back into the world at some point. Or do I?  That's the question that plagues me sometimes ,,, is it so nice to just have my freedom and do whatever I want all day that I'm becoming lazy?  Am I going to be able to pull off this "starting my own new business" thing?  And why am I doing absolutely nothing about it yet?

The truth is I've done nothing BUT work since I was 16, and sometimes I like to think that maybe THIS is my retirement. I mean,  the whole concept of working your ass off until you reach a certain age, with no idea anymore of how to enjoy life, seems outdated. So maybe I'm taking mine now, if I survive another cancer recurrence, I can see myself working well into my 70's. The whole concept of "working" isn't what it used to be either.

Most of the time my faith/my inner wisdom assures me that I'm in the right place, doing exactly what I need to be doing. That's the difference between fear and faith ,,, the former wants me to feel insecure and full of doubt. The latter is about trusting my instincts, believing in what I can't see and knowing my own self worth, that if God can put the vision of greatness in my head & heart then He intends to lead me to it. Faith is huge, it's everything, and it's quite frankly pretty new to me. Trusting in what you can't see, but knowing you're worth the most, the best, the biggest and then letting go, not controlling it. That takes a lot of courage ,,, but I've survived cancer, ran a marathon, chosen to get sober AND remain single until I find the one right person I'm meant to be with.  Honestly, I think I've got the courage thing figured out.

I still question myself sometimes though, and maybe that's healthy.

Metamorphosis

I seriously thought writing would be a good idea after eating a bunch of cookies, all that sugar in my blood stream? Probably not my best idea ever lol.

My post title is so appropriate ,,, in my whole life I don't think I've gone through as many changes as in these last few years. Not just changes, like a new hairstyle or career path, but a true metamorphosis, becoming something, or someone, other than who I was at birth. Yes I know, sounds a little deep, even dramatic, perish the thought.  I'm just a reader of my own story, just a participant in this thing called my life, I'm in it and observing it at the same time.

I feel so outside of my self, and crazy, as I continue stepping through my sobriety. Half the time I don't even know who I am, the other half  I'm still trying to fit this new me into my old life, which doesn't work very well. I was so full of anger and grief, masquerading as anger, yesterday. Been a long time since I had felt that many crazy, intense, conflicting emotions without drinking, a little or a lot.   I've spent a lot of years stuffing emotions down, way down, and then covering with drink.  So now, things are happening, old feelings are coming back up, and for the first time in my life I'm just feeling, just processing, just being. Right now, today I can honestly say that numbing was easier, even preferable. And while I understand I'm just starting the process of knowing myself, my sober self, I truly hope in another 90 days it won't be this hard.

Changes

So I just returned from a trip to New York City last night, a day early.  For the first time in my life, and I still haven't sorted through this, I wasn't enjoying being gone. There was no customary excitement, the thought of meals in new restaurants, shopping, seeing new people and familiar sights ,,, it was all vacant.  All that was there was an intense longing to be back home again.  I'll start at the beginning.

This trip was to celebrate my "graduation" from, or completion of, a 12 month health coach program at The Institute for Integrative Nutrition in NYC.  This was an alumni conference, and some of the friends I've made online, and met last time I was in NY last September, were going to be there.  I had registered for the conference some months ago, made travel plans (somewhat slowly and reluctantly I must admit), and told everyone I was going.  At the same time, I've been feeling like I might have another bowel obstruction (would be my third one since my original colon cancer surgery in April '11) and had just been in the ER two days before I left for NY.  So needless to say, things were a little precarious.  But I got the all clear from my doctors and thought "why not go?", although I was still feeling reluctant.

The travel itself was nice and smooth ,,, got on first class outbound, had a private car meet me at the airport, the hotel was great and the weather was decent.  Nothing wrong so far right?  Went to an AA meeting that night, met some really nice people who were warm and welcoming.  So far so good.  Walked back to my hotel, lovely evening ( a bit chilly and windy, but overall bearable), great people watching and found a cute little Italian place where I had some yummy soup, club soda in a wine glass and a fabulous apple tart for desert.  Felt good to be finding alternatives for drinking like I usually do, especially when I'm out of town, but it also felt incredibly odd, like I was outside myself.  Slept pretty well that night, got up and headed across the street to my conference. 

Conference was fine, although I realized nothing was really "settling" on me, or sinking in, having meaning.  Met and saw some of my fellow IIN student friends, people I've chatted with for months and gotten to know a little on Facebook.  All fine.  In an effort to conceal what I see as my physical flaws right now due to weight, I wore clothes that were so restrictive, I was fussing with myself constantly, which just further made things feel, odd.  I wasn't comfortable in my skin, and that felt both physical and mental in that moment.  I left the conference early, saying I didn't feel well, which was partly true, I just didn't specify why.  Decided that evening that I really didn't want to stay, and I made plans to come home the next day, Sunday, instead of on Monday as planned.  Everything came together to get me home, just like everything had come together to get me there, and would have been fine to stay except I didn't want to. 

The relief I felt in being home last night was so intense, I've never felt anything quite like it before.  Went to an AA meeting today and shared about my trip, how odd it felt to not drink and not knowing what to do with myself if drinking wasn't an option.  So many people understood, and I think threw their feedback I am beginning to understand it's normal to feel that way right now, that it will pass over time, and this might have been too soon to travel and expect that it would be anything BUT odd, and uncomfortable.

The key is, I didn't drink.  And I took care of myself by doing what I needed to get home.  And once home, I went to a meeting and shared.  So I'm feeling happy about all of that, and the only thing I'm not thrilled with is how much money I spent getting home early.  But all in all, more positives than negatives.  Lesson learned ,,, stop pushing myself, stop thinking I need to make others happy at my own expense or live up to anyone's expectations but mine, especially right now.  Giving myself some love today.  :-)

Today

We got one helluva snow storm here in Denver yesterday, digging out today.  Wow, a lot of snow ,,, probably got about 8-13" around here, hard to tell with all the drifts. 

Took a little break from my posts, felt like I haven't had much of anything positive to say in a while.  And maybe that's ok, maybe this blog doesn't always need to be positive.  My intent is to be real and honest in this space, partly because it helps me and I suspect that in doing so, I might help someone else one day.  I don't really promote this blog much, I figure if someone lands here they were meant to.  At least that's my take on things for now.

I've been reading (well listening technically) some great books lately, all kind of simultaneously, depending on what resonates with me at the moment and what I feel I need to hear.  Joel Osteen's I Declare, Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now, Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life and Geneen Roth's Women Food and God.  All really great books, beautiful teachers and I do feel I'm absorbing what I need to when I need it.  I have read The Four Agreements several times now, and feel that one requires repetition as well in order to become part of me. 

I've been feeling a little burdened lately, wasn't sure why that was.  My friend Kris suggested it's the burden of just plain feeling, something I probably haven't done much of without numbing myself.  I suspect she is right on target, as it really resonated with me. 

Haven't hit an AA meeting in a couple days, probably need that about now. 

Sunday

So it's kind of crazy, the things that come to you as you're sobering up.  Yes, it's physically just a matter of getting the drugs out of your system, but man, it's wayyyy more than just that. 

I read this book called Drinking: A Love Story and it was like reading about my own life.  A "high functioning alcoholic", that's what they call people who drink like I do.  Rarely if ever get sloppy drunk, so that anyone notices, and only drink a few in front of other people.  Most of my drinking was done here at home, once in a while in the car.  Never got arrested or a DUI, never hurt anyone or wrecked my car.  Appearances are, and were, everything.  This is all so eye opening, I have so many damn mini epiphanies a day it's flat out exhausting. 

Having one of those days that starts out good, or so I thought, but it seems like everyone and everything is irritating me today, irrationally.  Getting frustrated and angry over things like my ipod not working right, or that my smoothie this morning turned out yucky.  Irritated over little things people are saying on Facebook, or what they're not saying.  Hey, I said it was irrational.  Intended to go for a walk, but since my damn ipod isn't cooperating, I don't feel like walking without it.  And it's windy, yeah, that always puts me in a foul mood too.  I've had days like this before, when I was drinking, but that's the thing, I'd be drinking right now.  I'd have a glass of wine sitting here beside me on the desk as I type, a HUGE glass of wine I might add.  And you could definitely tell when my thoughts started to change with the drink.  That's what the author of Drinking calls it, The Drink.  Not booze, or alcohol, or "my addiction", she calls it The Drink.  I thought that was interesting, different. 

Also planned to go to an AA meeting today, a new one I hadn't been to before.  But on the way home from church (another irritant, not sure why I went, the message didn't seem to have meaning for me today at all, that rarely happens), I talked myself out of going.  Not sure why. 

Here's an interesting thing ,,, I'm finding it hard to verbalize about much of anything lately, either on here, on Facebook, in conversations with friends, that isn't related to either AA, me sobering up or all these crazy emotions and feelings I'm having.  I'm not talking to my friends much right now, just don't really feel like I have much to say.  This is so BIG in my life, this feels like all there is for me right now.  Yeah, so that's all I've got today. 

Day 39

No real significance to day 39, but I'm trying to embody what everyone keeps telling me, that "staying sober for 37/38/39 days is HUGE, give yourself a lot of credit".   So I'm trying to let that sink in and recognize that it really is huge, especially knowing how much of a struggle it is right now.  It's funny, once you are sober for more than a few days, you see things so differently.  Especially when every cell in your body is fighting you, wanting what it's used to and your brain is telling you, for the gazillionth time, that this time you WILL be able to just have one drink, that this time you WILL be able to control it.  It's like I'm two people these days, one is my inner wisdom and the other is the addict that I have become, the alcoholic I am.  Man, that's just so damn tough to admit, acknowledge, own.  But I have these constant conversations with myself (not outloud, don't call the mental hospital on me just yet), and somehow that's kind of reassuring.  I feel my inner wisdom self knows I will make it through this, that one day I'll be living a more easily-sober life.  But right now, my addict self just knows I want to drink, want to numb out and disappear into the person I become when I'm drinking.  Someone who doesn't have to, nor wants to, see what's really happening, see what my shortcomings really are and how to be truly happy.  Happiness is in that bottle, comfort and euphoria are in that bottle.  At a meeting today someone said being a sober alcoholic sucks more than being a drinking alcoholic.  Man, I really related to that. 

And here's why that really sucks ,,, when you are an addict, and trying to fight your addiction -  whether it be booze, drugs, food, sex, whatever - it is like walking into a really strong wind all day, every day.  It would be so much easier to just turn around, feel the wind at your back, give in and let it take over.  Your every thought, every action, every plan for your future (next hour, day, week, etc) is around how to avoid the triggers that weaken your resolve, including certain people, favorite places and activities, ways of coping and being entertained.  Nothing is the same, you have to always remain vigilant and on guard, especially at this point in my sobriety.  I have no skills around living sober yet, no strength built up over time for what to do with myself during times when I used to drink.  My sponsor, E, said I need to find other ways of "rewarding" myself, like I used to with alcohol (e.g. I'd work out/run errands/clean the house/get the car washed/answer emails and then have a cocktail or ten).  I suppose she's right, it would help for sure, but right now nothing's occurring to me. 

In the meantime, I am noticing that I have this sort of wide eyed wonder at the world, the people in it, my place in it, and the relationships I have.  In sort of a good way, I was a solitary drinker and what's good about that is that I didn't have friends who were really nothing more than drinking buddies.  I sit in these AA meetings and hear about people who thought they had friends until they sobered up, and then everyone disappeared.  My friends are still with me, and I believe they always will be.  Some of them don't know what to say to me right now, or how to support and love me through this, but over time as I get more comfortable with my own sobriety, I can help them with that.  Right now, I just have to focus on what I need to get through this day, sober, and let tomorrow handle it itself until I can broaden my focus.  And that's ok, that's fine. 

Martyr

Really interesting word, martyr.  Websters says this:  Noun -  A person who makes a great sacrifice for the sake of principle OR A great or constant sufferer.  I've recently been wondering what it is that makes some of us embody this in our own lives, or more to the point, why I embody this.  I have my whole life, and why?  I don't know.  It was recently suggested there is a light side of being a martyr, and a dark side ,,, one where the sacrifice benefits no one and only hurts me.  So that is something for me to ponder and sit with for a while.

Another thing I'm pondering is why I can't get rid of this overwhelming headache today.  No I haven't taken anything, but I tried coffee, that made it worse.  Have drank more water already than I often do all day, not helping.  Peppermint oil on my temples twice now takes the edge off but then it comes back.  Might have to break down and take something. 

Interesting day, much to think about and ponder.  I'ma go ponder now ...

Attention span ,,,

In short, I don't seem to have one these days.  Seems like every morning lately I wake up, first ask myself "am I sober?".  Yes, awesome.  "Do I remember yesterday, all of it?".  Yes, awesome.  Then I start thinking about everything I really should be, or need to be, or must be doing at this time of my life.  The list gets longer every day and looks something like this (in no particular order):

• Get caught up on school
• Stay sober
• Lose weight
• Exercise more
• Stay sober
• Finish website and create marketing materials for my business
• Figure out how to be a health coach with my own business
• Stay sober
• Be nicer to myself
• Stay sober
• Take the dogs for a walk and be a better person
• Clean up my office
• Stay sober
• Figure out why everyone I've ever met doesn't like me, examine character flaws and change them
• Be nicer to myself
• Thin out my closet
• Lose weight
• Be nicer to myself
• Stay sober
• Stop daily potato chip habit
• Be a better person
• Stay sober

How in the hell does a person get anything done when that's their daily to do list??  So, when I think of all that (and there's more that I'm forgetting at the moment), I just get overwhelmed.  There was a time when, if feeling overwhelmed, I would tell myself that I'd get one or two of those things done then I'd take myself out for lunch or dinner and have some drinks, or I'd get a few things done, grab a shower and settle in for the night with a few drinks.  Now, a few to me and a few to you may not be the same thing.  I've never started out with the intention of getting drunk, in fact I have often stood in judgement of people who say "hey man, let's go out and get druuuuuunk off our asses tonight", saying "yeah, I don't do that, I just have a few drinks".  A few drinks, every night, every week, every month, for decades.  A few drinks until I black out and have no memory the next day of what I did, said, where I was or often, how the hell I got home. 

For the last few days, when I get overwhelmed like that, I take myself to an AA meeting.  Like I'm my own sponsor sometimes ,,, part of me is going "man, i just, i just don't know what to do with myself and i've spent the last two hours not knowing what to do with myself".  This other part of me says "put your shoes on, we're going to a meeting".  Today, I shared and like everytime I've done that so far, I started crying.  Truth is, I'm really struggling right now ,,, I don't just want to drink, I want to disappear into that numbness, that euphoria.  It's what I've done for years now.  No I've never been arrested, gotten a DUI or hurt anyone,,, by the absolute grace of God.  I am watched day and night by angels, this I know for sure.  Angels who seem to know I'm worth more even when I don't, who know that I'll figure this out sooner if I don't hurt anyone in the process.  So my goal for today is to not drink, and somedays that just has to be enough.  My bigger goal for now is to talk at a meeting without crying (ok this blog site doesn't correct my spelling I'm noticing, might have to fire it lol).  I know I'll get there, and everytime I open my mouth (which scares the bejesus out of me) to speak, and after I recover from the shock of hearing myself say "I'm Allita, i'm an alcoholic", my voice starts to quiver and the tears start.  But hell, I'm only at 37 days sober today, I've got a looooooong way to go.  Other than when I was in the hospital, I've never stayed sober this long on purpose.  And it's hard, and I'm angry and full of resentment that on top of everything else, I now have to deal with this.  But what I also know for sure, is I'm right where I need to be, have needed to be for a couple decades now, but I finally got it.  And I know if I ran 26.2 miles in the freezing rain, survived colon cancer, 3 surgeries and 8 rounds of ass-kicking chemo, not to mention surgical menopause, the loss of my child, both my parents and my marriage ,,, I can survive this too.  Not just survive, but come out the other side one of these days and look back on who I am now, and who I was when I was drinking, and know without a doubt what I'm made of, capable of and what's inside me.  And I'm so grateful ,,, we say that a lot in AA, but it's true.  I have so much to be grateful and thankful for, and I am, beyond the words to express it.  My blessings are huge, and I give thanks for them every single day. 

Rough days ...

Having a really, really rough day today.  It's day 25 of being sober, and I just wish I could sort out all these feelings and emotions.  So many at one time I don't know what to do with myself.  I've spent the last hour doing nothing but wandering into a room thinking I should do something, then I wander back to another room and just sit there, staring outside.  I feel like I've entered someone else's body, someone else's life.  Not that I want my old one back, I really don't.  Well, parts of it I do.  Things seemed so clear, so easy, when I was drinking.  I knew what to do when I felt this way ,,, I'd just drink, all was well then.  It wasn't really, I do see that now in hindsight but at the time it sure felt that way.

Went to an AA meeting at noon, that was good,,, I guess.  So far my AA meetings have been with my "friend" P.  I put it in quotes because we used to date, I think he thinks we're still dating, and I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing.  It's been comforting to attend these meetings with someone I know, someone I knew when he was drinking, when we drank together, and whom I admire and respect for what he's gone through and how far he's come.  But what I need right  now, and frankly all I have the capacity for, is someone to truly be there for me.  And he either doesn't get it, doesn't know how or can't, or, and I hate thinking this, doesn't really want to.  In the end it doesn't matter which of those applies, he just isn't there for me the way I need him to be.  M ysobriety is the most important thing right now, and if I'm being selfish by needing what I need, then so be it.  But it was so good to talk to him about these crazy feelings, I felt like he got it. 

Since we're on the topic of me at the moment (I say partly tongue in cheek), I feel an odd seperation or distance lately with some of my other friends too.  Entirely possible that I'm being overly sensitive, or overly focused on me and thinking that everyone's lives revolve around me.  Maybe I want them too, lol.  Only partly kidding. 

On a somewhat more positive note, I think I've found a sponsor.  A fellow cancer survivor, E.  The offer was made, I took it. 

Having  a rough gut day too.  Have done so much damage to my gut with ibuprofen (AND alcohol)  over the last 7-8 years that I'm laying off it completely.  Trouble is, I'm getting these intense abdominal cramps at night from all the stored estrogen in my body that I decided to take some ibuprofen last night so I could sleep.  Not the best decision as it turns out, food is just going right through me today. Ugh ,,, like I said, really really rough day.

Sobriety sucks

Day 22 ,,, kinda feels like I'm going crazy. I'm agitated, irritated, anxious and frankly pissed off. At what specifically I can't say.  I can't handle noise right now, even music feels like nails on a chalkboard.  I have no idea how to deal with all these feelings ,,, it just hit me. Without stuffing things down under a haze of booze, it feels like too many emotions are hitting me at one time. Guilt, regret, sadness, gratitude, love, joy, anger, frustration. It's sensory overload. I'm doing kind of a OCD thing too ,,, been watching the first season of Fringe on DVD and I just want to keep watching it over and over. Can't stop thinking about it, about the characters.  I feel a little like I'm going crazy, but I also feel more alive than I've felt in a long time. Not saying that's necessarily good, but it's not all bad either. Probably not making much sense right now.

My dog Milo, who has advancing kidney disease and was supposed to be dead a year ago, hasnt been feeling well. He had a rough couple of days over the weekend, saw the vet today to get him a shot of anti-nausea meds. Was on alert for him throwing up his food all day, worried for him. Kind of feels like worry and anxiety is all I was about today. Didn't exercise, despite being determined to do so this morning. I feel a sense of foreboding about Milo, but having a hard time determining if that's necessary or just what I'm going through right now. My cursor is doing something weird now, great.

Good weekend so far

I had a realization today that the true potential of my life could never have been realized while I was drinking. That everything has been waiting for me to understand I needed to stop drinking. Not just for my health, although that's crucial. But for me to feel, know, understand, comprehend, create my true life, the life I was destined to live. Yes I know, that all sounds a little "out there", but writing it here makes it feel even more truthful.

This is day 20 of my sobriety and it feels pretty good. I can't remember if I've gone this long any time previously but if I did it would only have been once. I don't think I realized I felt powerless over my drinking until now, as not drinking is giving me a sense of strength and power.

I am refusing to let myself feel overwhelmed by everything I need to be focusing on or doing. There's staying sober, changing my diet, remembering all my supplements, schoolwork that I'm way behind on, a business that I need to get up and running, friendships that I'm neglecting, needing to exercise, etc.   All of that will happen ,,, or it won't.

Wednesday

Things seem momentarily calm around my house and life today. My dog, Milo, has had two nights of not throwing up which is a beautiful thing. I am on day 17 of being sober and the physical longing for booze is a little easier now. The emotional emptiness that I used alcohol to try and fill is still here, not doing anything in particular about it. Just observing it, not pretending it's not there and remembering that "the answer to the pain is in the pain".

Having quiet peaceful time at home to myself is good right now.  I could be filling my time with activities, but that feels a little like trying to avoid what's happening.

Decompressed today ...

Last night I decided to take today "off" ,,, I went for a long drive up into the mountains of beautiful Colorado.  It was really awesome ,,, the day was gorgeous and sunny, not freezing but not overly warm.  Clear and so beautiful, snow capped mountains all around.  I finished two audiobooks and started a third.  It was just the kind of quiet reflective time I needed, all to myself, even turned my phone off.  Hips and butt are killing me now, but tomorrow it's off to the gym. 

Today is 15 days sober and physically it feels better every day, emotionally it's harder.  I used to fill this empty spot inside of me with booze, or food, or shopping.  And when you're used to filling that hole with something and decide you're not going to do that anymore, it makes for a little irritation and a sense of antsiness (pretty sure that's not a real word lol).

Not feeling especially expressive today, still lost in my thoughts.  More tomorrow ...

Overwhelmed

So my mind is kind of reeling a lot lately, all sorts of things to sort out and it's hard to know what's first. 

I made a decision 14 days ago to choose sobriety over blackouts and numbing myself with booze every day.  Truth be told, it's a decision I've needed to make for years, but it happens when it happens.  I just realized that I've lost a lot of my life - moments, hours, days - to blackouts, and now recently to chemo fog and just the trauma of cancer/surgery/treatment.  I can't get those moments back, and more than ever I now understand just how short life really is. 

So I've attended a few AA meetings, trying to decide if that's the right thing for me or not.  And trying to NOT figure out tomorrow until it gets here ,,, that's a toughy. But with each day sober that passes, I know this is the right place for me to be. 

Then last week I met with my doctor to go over the lab test results from my annual physical, where she pulled all kinds of blood out of me and ran every single panel known to man (or thereabouts).  The cholesterol counts (a deeper dive than the traditional lipids test) and inflammation readings reveal that I'm insulin resistant, a pre-cursor to diabetes.  It means my body can't metabolize the sugars I'm consuming, which are normally converted to fat and burned up.  She assumed I was eating too many carbs, but I don't really eat a lot of carbohydrates, and I do know what they are.  The tests also revealed my liver is really struggling right now, which didn't surprise me.  Without my revealing anything, she asked me what my alcohol consumption was, so we talked a bit about my decision to be sober.  She was very excited to hear that, gave me some supplements to help and suggested I see a counselor.  Not sure about that part just yet, one step at a time for now. 

Lastly, I'm almost done with my 12 month Health Coach program,,, I need to create a Facebook page, update my website, create marketing materials, a payment system, think about marketing and getting paying clients.  But all I can focus on is my sobriety, because I'm entering unchartered territory with 14 days under my belt, and my health & what to do about it.  I just sat here eating about 10 Reeses Miniatures, saying to myself the whole time how bad it was for me and feeling even more overwhelmed.  Good grief.

Tomorrow is another day ... right??

It's a new year

So much has once again happened since that last post. I'm making a renewed commitment to come here every morning to update, fingers crossed.
Shortly after that June '12 post, I had a bowel obstruction and another major surgery, I'm now at 3 since this odyssey began in April '11. Scar tissue from one of my previous surgeries had collected like guitar strings that were wrapped around my small intestine, choking it off. From the time I got into the ER to the time they took me into surgery was just a few hours.  Surgery went really well and I felt much better in post op this time compared to the last two nightmares of pain with docs having to scramble to figure out what was wrong with their pain management strategy.
I spent 7 days in the hospital, intended to be 4, because once again my funny little gut didn't feel like performing as instructed. That surgery and hospital stay set me back quite a bit, both physically and mentally. It's just so hard to feel like you're putting something behind you, finally, only to have to plunge yourself back into it again.  But I got through it.
In the Fall I got to be in New York City for a school conference and meet several schoolmates that I'd so far only talked to online. That was awesome, I really enjoyed it all. Even the night we went to Pure Food, a raw food restaurant, and I threw up everything I'd eaten when I got back to the hotel. :-(.
Shortly after returning home from NYC I left on a 17 day trip to Italy with members of my church, Mile Hi Church of Religious Science. We went to Sorrento for a week then to Rome and finally Florence, or Fiorenze as they say in Italia.  That trip changed a lot of things about my life, but maybe not in the way I expected or people might think.  I enjoyed it, but there were a lot of negatives, or what I perceived at the time as negatives. First I got a bad case of vertigo the first day there and struggled with that the whole trip (dizzy, nauseous, wobbly,etc). Second I've decided I'm really not a group traveler ,,, I'm too independent and need time to myself, going at my own pace.  But what came out of the trip for me was a realization that I can just "be" in my discomfort and resentment, and by being present for myself (because at times I had no other choice like I do at home), I got some clarity around things in my life. I still can't quite articulate it, still processing. But when I left home, I felt very flat emotionally, aimless and so unsure of where to go next or what I'm doing here.  And coming home, a few days later, I realized I didn't feel that any longer. Not that I had all the answers, but for whatever reason, it was ok now. Perhaps it was simply the change of scenery, perhaps it was stepping out of my comfort zone, and possibly it was those and a lot more that I don't yet fully comprehend. And that's ok too. Not knowing can be freeing, letting go of the need to know and sitting in the discomfort ,,, all good stuff.