Changes

So I just returned from a trip to New York City last night, a day early.  For the first time in my life, and I still haven't sorted through this, I wasn't enjoying being gone. There was no customary excitement, the thought of meals in new restaurants, shopping, seeing new people and familiar sights ,,, it was all vacant.  All that was there was an intense longing to be back home again.  I'll start at the beginning.

This trip was to celebrate my "graduation" from, or completion of, a 12 month health coach program at The Institute for Integrative Nutrition in NYC.  This was an alumni conference, and some of the friends I've made online, and met last time I was in NY last September, were going to be there.  I had registered for the conference some months ago, made travel plans (somewhat slowly and reluctantly I must admit), and told everyone I was going.  At the same time, I've been feeling like I might have another bowel obstruction (would be my third one since my original colon cancer surgery in April '11) and had just been in the ER two days before I left for NY.  So needless to say, things were a little precarious.  But I got the all clear from my doctors and thought "why not go?", although I was still feeling reluctant.

The travel itself was nice and smooth ,,, got on first class outbound, had a private car meet me at the airport, the hotel was great and the weather was decent.  Nothing wrong so far right?  Went to an AA meeting that night, met some really nice people who were warm and welcoming.  So far so good.  Walked back to my hotel, lovely evening ( a bit chilly and windy, but overall bearable), great people watching and found a cute little Italian place where I had some yummy soup, club soda in a wine glass and a fabulous apple tart for desert.  Felt good to be finding alternatives for drinking like I usually do, especially when I'm out of town, but it also felt incredibly odd, like I was outside myself.  Slept pretty well that night, got up and headed across the street to my conference. 

Conference was fine, although I realized nothing was really "settling" on me, or sinking in, having meaning.  Met and saw some of my fellow IIN student friends, people I've chatted with for months and gotten to know a little on Facebook.  All fine.  In an effort to conceal what I see as my physical flaws right now due to weight, I wore clothes that were so restrictive, I was fussing with myself constantly, which just further made things feel, odd.  I wasn't comfortable in my skin, and that felt both physical and mental in that moment.  I left the conference early, saying I didn't feel well, which was partly true, I just didn't specify why.  Decided that evening that I really didn't want to stay, and I made plans to come home the next day, Sunday, instead of on Monday as planned.  Everything came together to get me home, just like everything had come together to get me there, and would have been fine to stay except I didn't want to. 

The relief I felt in being home last night was so intense, I've never felt anything quite like it before.  Went to an AA meeting today and shared about my trip, how odd it felt to not drink and not knowing what to do with myself if drinking wasn't an option.  So many people understood, and I think threw their feedback I am beginning to understand it's normal to feel that way right now, that it will pass over time, and this might have been too soon to travel and expect that it would be anything BUT odd, and uncomfortable.

The key is, I didn't drink.  And I took care of myself by doing what I needed to get home.  And once home, I went to a meeting and shared.  So I'm feeling happy about all of that, and the only thing I'm not thrilled with is how much money I spent getting home early.  But all in all, more positives than negatives.  Lesson learned ,,, stop pushing myself, stop thinking I need to make others happy at my own expense or live up to anyone's expectations but mine, especially right now.  Giving myself some love today.  :-)