Metamorphosis

I seriously thought writing would be a good idea after eating a bunch of cookies, all that sugar in my blood stream? Probably not my best idea ever lol.

My post title is so appropriate ,,, in my whole life I don't think I've gone through as many changes as in these last few years. Not just changes, like a new hairstyle or career path, but a true metamorphosis, becoming something, or someone, other than who I was at birth. Yes I know, sounds a little deep, even dramatic, perish the thought.  I'm just a reader of my own story, just a participant in this thing called my life, I'm in it and observing it at the same time.

I feel so outside of my self, and crazy, as I continue stepping through my sobriety. Half the time I don't even know who I am, the other half  I'm still trying to fit this new me into my old life, which doesn't work very well. I was so full of anger and grief, masquerading as anger, yesterday. Been a long time since I had felt that many crazy, intense, conflicting emotions without drinking, a little or a lot.   I've spent a lot of years stuffing emotions down, way down, and then covering with drink.  So now, things are happening, old feelings are coming back up, and for the first time in my life I'm just feeling, just processing, just being. Right now, today I can honestly say that numbing was easier, even preferable. And while I understand I'm just starting the process of knowing myself, my sober self, I truly hope in another 90 days it won't be this hard.