Day 5 of the "cleanse"

I put the word cleanse in quotes because I haven't been sure from the beginning of this if that's really the right word for what I'm doing.  In a sense it is a cleanse - I am not eating any of the foods that give me trouble (grains, dairy, sugar), and for the first 3 days I consumed only vegetables, broth and fruit.   Also for those first 5 days I didn't drink any coffee, caffeinated or not.  This morning, I am thoroughly enjoying a cup of home made organic half-decaf coffee - man I missed this!  But by some people's standards this isn't really a cleanse, I just was at a loss for a better word.

Yesterday was a really busy, full day of volunteering from 10-3 and then running a bunch of errands. Breakfast was a poached egg and some applesauce and then I snacked on some cashews and an apple at mid-day.  By 4pm I had stopped at Mod Market for a spinach salad w chicken, which I only ate a few bites of as I was on the run.  Got home and finished my salad with more chicken at home, some beets & spicy pumpkin seeds.  Last night I had a few bites of an apple with almond butter, and that was it for the day.  I went to bed feeling satiated, although my tummy was somewhat unhappy with all that raw spinach - sometimes that's a little problematic for me.   But my take away from yesterday was that I did a great job of managing my blood sugar (by drinking plenty of clean water with tangerine essential oil)  and making good food choices in a very busy day.

The other food that I haven't indulged in for the last 6 days is my beloved bacon.  :-)  God, I love bacon, and was eating it pretty often.  I miss it for sure, but getting that sodium out of my system is a good thing, and it was becoming yet another obsession.

And since I don't feel very good when I eat eggs too often, I skipped them this morning.  I sauteed onion, mushrooms, spinach, added some cooked sweet potato and left over chicken - that along with some strawberries & cherries made a delicious breakfast that will give me the energy to power through this day of house cleaning & dryer repair.  :-)   Later this afternoon I will probably have some riced cauliflower, sauteed with onion and chopped broccoli and add a little ground beef.   Either that or more of the chicken soup I threw together the other night.   I always feel better when I eat only two main meals a day, with a little snack or two in between.  It's easier to get to sleep at night when I haven't eaten for the past 4-5 hours - my cancer modified GI system seems to kick into full gear late at night as it is. :-(

Stepping on the scale this morning was further reinforcement that I'm on the right track, as I was down still another pound (4-5 lbs total lost in the last 6 days).  I'd like to get back down to where I was when I felt at my best, which is another 5-6 pounds.  As long as I keep listening to my body and giving it what IT wants (not what my emotions want) I know that will happen.  Yes it takes discipline to turn down sugar and other yumminess this time of year, but since getting sober I really like not facing the new year with a feeling of having over indulged.  I have big, big plans for 2015 and my intuition is guiding me to prepare for it now, and get ready for a great year.  And I have more than earned it!

Happy Sunday, blessings to all! Thanks for listening. :-)

Cleanse Update - Days 3 & 4

Sorry there was no post yesterday, I was running all day with no chance to update.  Today has been much the same, so this is coming pretty late.

My cleansing got a little goofy yesterday, due to my crazy schedule and making friend time one of my priorities.  That translated into being at a restaurant for lunch at 2pm, hungry, knowing I wouldn't be home until after 5.  So I made the best choice I could; a plain burger patty wrapped in lettuce leaves (I ate half) and a side salad with my own dressing (olive oil & lemon that I brought from home - yay for a little planning ahead).  Not bad, just a day ahead of when I planned to add some solid food as I decided smoothies probably wouldn't feel much better in my body than the juicing had.

So last night I had a nice salad with spinach, beets, carrots - it was very comforting and cleansing. Afterwards I had some thawed out frozen tart cherries - yummy desert, lots of antioxidants, low glycemic so not a big hit to my blood sugar.  Went to bed feeling really good - I actually think the protein from the burger gave me energy & sustenance that was very supportive.

This morning I had an egg scrambled with some veggies, and a 1/2 apple.  Delicious and kept me satisfied until about 2pm, when I once again found myself away from home and in need of food.  I had a couple of almonds and some in-season fruit, which gave me fat & carbs to tide me over.  When I got home I added some sauteed chicken & fresh veggies to my bone broth,  enjoying a nice warm bowl of soup for an early dinner.  Another 1/2 apple and a cup of tea and day 4 is a wrap!

I'm feeling really good, no sugar cravings at all today.  The eczema on my eyes has calmed down considerably, my hot flashes today were much better, and the last two nights I have slept like a baby. One of my rings that was tight a week ago now fits looser, and when I stepped on the scale this morning I was down 3 lbs, which I know is inflammation.  All in all I am really happy with how I am feeling and how positively my body is responding when I pay attention to it.

Bella and I got out for a nice walk today, and it was really gorgeous.  I so appreciate my body for all it does for me, and I am truly thankful.  What a week it's been!

Cleanse - Modified day 2

~ From Wednesday, December 10th ~

My first experience with juicing was about 3 years ago, not long after my chemotherapy for colon cancer had ended.  My trainer suggested it as a way to detox my body from all the drugs, and I was very excited to feel better - I felt pretty lousy at that point.  I went gung ho, juicing 2x a day, mixing up veggies and fruits to find a combo that appealed to me.  It didn't take long at all for my body to clearly signal that it didn't like what I was giving it.  I tried sticking it out for a while, refusing to believe that something I kept hearing was a miracle for so many people wasn't working for me. Finally, I gave it up, my body calmed down and I realized I needed to find other ways to heal.

By the time I went to bed last night, I was feeling much the same as I had a few years past.  I had hoped that this would be different as my body is so much healthier, but evidently not.  I don't know what my body doesn't like about juicing and in the end, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I listen to my intuition and respond accordingly with love and respect for my body.  So I have modified my cleanse a bit today.

This morning I steamed some veggies and added that to my broth - carrots, zucchini and baby bok choy.  It was delicious and I instantly felt better.  So for lunch I had a salad of baby spinach, cucumber, carrots, beets and some chopped pistachio's, dressing it with fresh lemon juice & olive oil, along with a cup of plain broth.  Again, my body responded with energy, calmness and a feeling of lightness.  Maybe my body just craves foods in their wholeness, which makes sense.  I even gave Bella some of the broth with cooked veggies and she loved it.  :-)

I am feeling much better today/tonight than last night.  I've been drinking lots of water (and making lots of trips to the bathroom), and I had a small spoonful of almond butter this afternoon for some extra fat & protein and that helped with feeling satiated. Tomorrow is day 3, which will probably look much like today with regards to food.

I don't feel hungry or deprived of anything, but I am fantasizing about cookies lol.  Cutting out coffee has made a huge difference in how my tummy and my nerves feel, but I miss the ritual of it. Food is so emotional for most of us, so was drinking for me.  But since cancer I thought food had become less emotional and I have been finding that isn't really true.  Food still feels like joy, and somewhat like a lover.  Interesting .....

Stay tuned. :-)

Cleanse Day 1

As I sit here in the peace and quiet of my home, watching the fire in my fireplace start to burn,  I feel immensely grateful for the life that I am privileged to wake up to each morning.   When not eating solid food for a few days, things like gratitude are great to feed my soul on.

The day has not been difficult at all, even though there have been some food cravings.  So far today I have had two mugs of my home made broth (cooked for 24 hours total - really delicious and flavorful), two cups of decaf tea and one large juice drink.  Here's what I juiced today:
1 large beet
2 small granny smith apples
3-5 carrots
2-3 celery stalks
1 small lemon (with the peel roughly sliced off or it tastes bitter)
1/2 large cucumber
1 small slice of fresh ginger

That's actually my favorite combination so I will most likely repeat that for the next couple of days.  I will have one more juice tonight, and that may be it.  I've done a good job with my water intake, so I am feeling very hydrated.  I have had a slight headache for most of the day but I expected that on day one.  I am denying my body the caffeine and the empty calories it's gotten used to, and a headache is a pretty normal response.  I am a bit tired and looking forward to a good nights sleep, which is not what I had last night for some reason.

So why a cleanse?  I know that word has become sort of a catch-all these days, and it seems to have different definitions and purposes, depending on who you ask.  For me, these next few days will be a chance for my digestive system to rest and heal as I won't be giving it much to deal with.  I am still nourishing my body with protein, fats and carbohydrates so it can run properly.  But by not consuming any sugars, grains, dairy, etc., I am letting the inflammation in my body calm down, which will further soothe my digestive tract, ease some of the symptoms I mentioned yesterday and help me drop some weight.   The sugar, along with caffeine, is also a stimulant which over time takes a toll on my central nervous system, and impacts my life on many levels, including my sleep.  Flushing all these toxins out of my system with the help of lots of clean, filtered water, will help me feel and sleep better, which will give me more energy and enable me to think more clearly, have better focus and mental stamina.  Plus I anticipate it will also help my hormones settle down, and I will have fewer hot flashes.  And when it's all said and done, I expect my clothes will fit better and I will feel better in them - and who doesn't want to feel good in their clothes (or out of them for that matter?).  All of this is, to me, a huge payoff for a few days of being a little hungry.

How do I know all of this?  Well, some of it is what I have read and learned from others, and some of it I just know.  I think we all know things - about ourselves and what is right for us, about the world around us and the people in it- without knowing how.   We all have inherent wisdom and we all have our own intuition.  I think the keys are listening, trusting and then leaning into that wisdom.   Not always easy, but for me, always worth it.  Ask yourself what you know, have always known,  yet can't explain why - what is that knowing telling you and are you listening?  If not, why?

I am exhausted so even though it's only 5:30 in the evening, I am going to wash my face, crawl into bed and read a bit.  Good rest is crucial to my well being anytime, but especially through this process.
Night night peeps, sweet dreams.  Join me again tomorrow for another update, I will hopefully have more energy.  :-)

Time for a cleanse

When your intuition speaks to you, how well do you listen?  Well, my intuitive voice has been telling me a good cleanse would be helpful to my well being at the moment, so I am starting on that tomorrow.  Thought I'd share what my plan is and will blog each day on how I am doing.  

First, on the topic of cleanses let me just say that I am NOT a fan of being hungry.  However,  I have become familiar with my body and it's responses, and here is what I am noticing:

• More pain in my digestive system lately - this is mainly from all my cancer surgeries and obstructions, but it worsens when my diet isn't as clean
• Increased & intense hot flashes and constant under arm odor - this too, I have noticed over time, is worse when I get too relaxed with what I eat
• Inflammation in my body - my pants are a bit tighter yes but so are my rings and my boots, and this also explains some of the pain I mentioned above
• An increase in eczema outbreaks, including one around my eyes that my prescription cream is not resolving
• Increasingly intense cravings for starchy, high glycemic carbohydrates like baked goods, potato chips, bread, sugary foods, etc. 
• More unexplained and disturbing dreams and nightmare activity

What I have been eating that is causing this unrest in my body is sugar, wheat and other grains, dairy, coconut, cinnamon and nightshades - these are all foods I am sensitive to.  If you're not familiar with nightshades, here's a great article: http://www.thepaleomom.com/2013/08/what-are-nightshades.html

Everyone has their own sensitivities, be it with foods, smells, sounds, people, emotions, etc. - the key is to tune into your own body's signals and then do something about them. I've given you a list of some of my warning signs, do any of those ring a bell with you?  What are some of your signals?  If you already know, that's great.  If you do not, becoming aware can be a huge step toward having the body and life you really want.  

So here is my cleanse plan (more later on why a cleanse and why now):

1. For the first 3 days, I will drink home-made bone broth and fresh juices using organic, whole fruits and veggies.  Here's more info on bone broth if you are interested:  http://nourishedkitchen.com/bone-broth/
2. On days 4-5, I will add a smoothie each day made with frozen organic greens & fruit with walnuts as the protein source
3. On days 6-7 I will add steamed & pureed veggies to my broth
4. On days 8-10 I will slowly add back in foods like sweet potatoes, nut butters and small amounts of chicken, turkey and fish. 
5. Throughout each of these 10 days I will make sure I am drinking half my body weight in pure, filtered water to which I will add either lemon (alkalizing), tangerine (curbs sweet cravings) or peppermint (helps smooth digestion) essential oils to assist my body in detoxifying
6. I will add 1-2 teaspoons of organic, unrefined coconut oil to my juices and my smoothies.  This helps my body assimilate the nutrients from my food and also provides the necessary fats for good organ function and to support my nails, hair and skin. 
7. Lastly, I will be focusing on getting plenty of sleep (aiming for 8-9 hours each night), exercise, (outside if possible) and quiet time for reflection and journaling so that my mind can process all the emotions that will be coming up during my cleanse.  

So now I have declared my intention and you are free to hold me accountable (just beware, accountability is a two-way street with me).  :-)  As I said, I will give more details on what I am doing and how things are going in the upcoming days - I hope you will join me on this little adventure into a healthier holiday and a strong start to my new year.  Cheers! 

Random observations from Portland

So I'm in Portland for the weekend - alone.  Why Portland and why now you ask? Well, here's the deal - I was getting a healing touch treatment a while back and we were working on letting go of the past.  And while I'm laying there, trying to move into the present, I start planning this trip in my head.  A trip where I ... go revisit my past.  lol  Seriously.  I know, right?  wth??  So, I realized what I was doing, and decided I would in fact take a trip, but I would take myself someplace I have never been, create a new experience, a new memory.  And Portland just popped into my head, unbidden.  I found a trip on Expedia for $500, air and hotel for 3 nights, so I booked it.  And here I am, adventurous free spirit, exploring a city I have never been to, in the winter, on my own.  Yeah, I'm just kooky like that.

So Portland is a pretty cool city from what I can see so far.  I know I am not seeing it in it's best light because of the weather (cold, dreary and rainy), but here's what I like so far:  The people seem not only nice and friendly, but they generally like living here.  It is not only very diverse in it's population, but seemingly very accepting of that diversity.  And they are very "green" here, very eco-conscious.  The main thing so far that would keep me from living happily here is this dreary weather - I don't think they see much sunshine this time of year.  That would be tough, weather has a strong affect on my emotions.

I am going to change lanes now - ready?  Okay, here we go.  When I was a kid, I just loved my mothers hands.  They were strong, loving, fine boned hands - hands that were so capable of everything and anything.  Caring for her family, kneading and baking home-made bread that was always hot and ready for us when we got home from school, sewing all of my clothes before I started growing too fast, canning our fresh-grown summer fruits and vegetables,  playing & trying to teach me the piano, nursing me back to health when I didn't feel good, gently waking me up every morning for school, and in the last moments of her life, caressing my face as she said "I don't want to leave you". They were amazing hands, belonging to an amazing woman.  And as I was gazing at my hands the other night, I thought "wow, I finally have my mothers hands - isn't that cool".  Yeah, that's pretty damn cool.

Okay, I am downtown Portland and sitting in a Starbucks.  I better get out and walk around a bit. Later peeps.  Hugs.

Time alone

I was laying in the bathtub this morning just reflecting back on what a nice holiday weekend this has been so far, every minute of it.

For starters I spent Thanksgiving day alone at home with Bella doing just what we wanted to do and nothing more.  I slept in, which I rarely let myself do anymore, and it felt fabulous  - to me it did, to Bella I think it was an exercise in extreme patience as she lay starting at me waiting for my eyes to open and my hands to come out from under the covers.  ;-)   We went for a nice long walk, it was in the 60's and sunny ... Colorado in all of it's gorgeousness.  Eventually I started preparations for my dinner, which was delicious and just what I wanted.  I baked two cornish hens with a super-simple gluten free sausage stuffing inside and a small acorn squash, accompanied by mashed sweet potatoes and a small green salad.  I set the table with a linen napkin, candles and drank some flavored sparkling water out of a champagne flute (a Christmas gift I received a few weeks before deciding to get sober - alas) and watched Indiana Jones while I ate.  It was, in a word, lovely.

The rest of the weekend has gone much like that day - mellow, serene and completely to my liking. My meaning there is much more about what's happening in me and less about what's happening in the world around me.   In this moment, no matter what is going on around me, I am ok with it.  Will I always be able to claim that  - who knows?  But for someone who has been dreading and numbing away the holidays for at least the past 15 years, I am completely good with this current state of affairs.

Tonight I am going to be taking another big step away from living in the past by replacing many of the framed photo's around my home - all of which are currently of my family, my childhood street, myself as a child and other connections to the past to the exclusion of any current photos - with pictures that bring me more into the present.  I've written on here before about my recent realization that letting go of the past means more than just releasing the pain.  It means really living in the present, seeing the present for what it is, and even seeing the past for what it truly is, not through those proverbial colored glasses.  Once that  began to fully sink in, I looked around and realized this state of framed photos in my house - it is really hard to let of a point in time when all you surround yourself with are photographic memories of that time.  I am not suggesting that having happy memories of our past is a bad thing at all.  I had a very happy childhood, for which I am so thankful and I will always cherish those memories.  But I can see that there's something deeper going on here, and I can change that, I can make the present feel like a cherished time as well.  So I've printed up photo's of me with the dogs, some beautiful shots of Italy, Costa Rica and Mexico, and a picture of my friends and I on my 50th birthday.   These are happy recent moments that make me smile when I look at them, and they have little connection in my mind to the crazy, out-of-control way I felt when I was drinking.  I have spent enough time, more than enough time, looking back and I am ready to begin looking forward now - with enthusiasm, excited anticipation and joy.

Hoping you all had a very happy Thanksgiving, with a lot to feel thankful about and grateful for.  With blessings and all my best to you,

Allita

Life lessons from dogs

Bella, my terrier, is six years old now.  She's the one on the left with the wacky ear, that was her brother Milo who passed away earlier this year.  We used to nickname her Scrappy because of that crazy ear thing, and her personality is totally that of a little scrapper.  In fact,  I have in mind to write a book about her character.  But I digress ... and by the way her ear doesn't do that much anymore.

The beauty of dogs is that they get total and complete joy out of a very small list of things, and the joy is as intense for them on the 6000th time as it was on the 1st.  Take walks for instance - every single time I get the leash out and prepare to get her hooked up for a walk, her exuberance is off.the.charts.  She never, ever ever ever (you get the point) gets tired of it, and she never will.  Something so simply joyful as a walk outside, smelling and peeing and pulling on the leash like she's a sled dog in the frozen tundra hauling me across the ice, can provide this little crazy canine with enough joy to turn her into a verbalizing maniac.  She NEVER makes as many or as much noise as when I'm trying to get her leashed up and ready to go.   It's completely hysterical and I wish I could video her.

Dogs have very simple needs - food, water, exercise and love.  That's it.  They don't care about things, money, competing, racism, winning, their weight (or yours for that matter), they have no ulterior motives or hidden agendas, they adore you when you think you're at your worst (including loving the smell of your worst morning dragon breath) and they live for one thing - to see and be with you.

As humans we think we are superior because we have opposable thumbs and deductive reasoning, we walk upright and can drive a car.  None of which, in my opinion, make us superior - that simply makes us human.  With all of our "superiority" we are killing each other off, destroying our planet, wracking up more debt than we'll ever pay off in our lifetime and spreading un-curable diseases like wildfire, with new ones popping up regularly.  So who exactly is the superior one between humans and dogs?

Bella's constant joy at seeing me, being fed, getting treats and going for a walk teaches me so much about letting go of stuff that doesn't matter.  Her unbridled excitement at the beginning of each new day, with absolutely no left over resentments or baggage from the day before, is endlessly fascinating to me.   Humans hold onto everything, we torture ourselves over and over, continually reliving every painful moment - animals don't do that to themselves.  The minute after you've hurt them, stepped on their tail, or scolded them for chewing your panties (at least she doesn't chew up my bras or shoes anymore), they've forgiven you and themselves.  That doesn't mean their spirits can't be broken, I have also seen that happen and it literally weighs on my soul.  But the readiness of a dog to forgive with a head rub, a dog treat and a sincerely uttered "good dog", is a powerful reminder (to me anyway) of the gifts of not being so complicated.  They let go of the past, they are happy, full of joy and they sleep ... well, like themselves.  And going outside to, gasp,  run & play(aka exercise, something we humans seem to dread doing) brings out a puppy-like enthusiasm no matter how old they get.

Yep, I think dogs have it pretty much figured out, I am a huge fan.  :-)

My debt

So many things are going well with my life, and it feels good (and important) to recognize that from time to time.  It's easy to get caught up in wanting everything to be "perfect".  When I step back and look at how far I have come, all that is going well and how truly great I feel, I realize the word perfect pretty much sums it up.

My coaching business, Ellaquent Coaching, feels a little stuck at the moment, and it's stuck with me needing to get some website content written.  I need a website that gives people a place to get more info about me and what I do.  Tomorrow I have nowhere to go and will be focusing on this all day if need be.  I've gotten some really great ideas and info, along with other great website examples to follow, so I think it will be fun to see what comes out of me.  AND, laying on the massage table yesterday I had an epiphany about another target market I want to go after - more on that after I have fleshed it out some more.

There is always so much to do, so much I want to do - for instance, keeping up with this blog, I want to write more, updating my website, joining a leads group, getting new business cards and other marketing materials printed up, I want to do YouTube videos and post them on FB and my website.  There's so many things I want to do, that I feel I'm supposed to do, need to do.  It's like, in my mind, getting my life back comes with a price, a debt that I owe - paying it forward, giving back, passing on what I've learned and gained.  I think I just have to stay mindful that I can not do it all today, or even tomorrow.  :-)

Blessings to you all. xo

Business and personal updates

So yes, once again it's been a while since I've been here.  I think part of that is that my website is being built, and so my blog will be moving over there in a few weeks, or sooner.  Not to worry, I'll be posting much more about that as it draws nearer.

A lot of positive and exciting stuff has been happening on the business front.  I have an awesome client that I'm working with pro bono, and have had a few conversations with other potential clients.  I've filed my application for a federal tax id, met with a bookkeeper to get things started on that.  Soon I'll be opening a business account and getting set up to accept credit cards.  A new website is in the works, I'm working today on web content which will also be the basis for marketing materials.  Since doing my Feminine Rising webinars, I know how to create short videos using Google+ and promote them through my YouTube channel on social media.  I've done NONE of this before, and sometimes I think "this is crazy, I have no idea what I am doing", but no one knows what they don't know, until they know it.  So, as I tell my clients, I am just walking through this one step at a time. And it's all very, very exciting, empowering and a little scary at the same time.

On a personal level, there's nothing negative going on at all.  If that sounds like a "but" is coming, you're a very perceptive reader.  The "holidays" are upon us and it's just not my favorite time of year.  I feel very lonely, and kind of sad, and I miss my parents something awful, especially my mother.  I don't tell many people how I feel for a multitude of reasons.  Mainly because I do not want to dampen anyone else's holiday spirit.  But also because people, meaning well, think if they invite me to their family gatherings that will make everything better for me.  And it just doesn't.  It's MY family that I miss, and that is simply gone.  I had hoped when I got married that the feeling of "family" would return, but it never did.  Maybe one day I'll fall in love with a man and together we can create our own meaning of the holidays, and it most likely won't be about shopping and gorging on sugar, as lovely as those things can be in small amounts.  :-)   So again, nothing negative in my personal life, just a sense of wishing it were January already.   And that feels odd to me as I also try to live in the present moment, knowing this moment is really all I have.  I suspect I am not alone in this, and maybe someone reading this will realize that neither are they.

So I'm procrastinating on writing that web content, I better at least try to get into that head space.  It really requires - Squirrel!!!  LOL  Seriously, here I go now.  Bye for today.

My birthday

So I turned 52 years old today, and it occurred to me that I am now the age my mother was when her husband, my father, died of metastatic lung cancer.   Twenty years later, my mother died of ovarian cancer at the age of 72.   And today I'm prepping my body for a colonoscopy, as part of being followed after colon cancer 3+ years ago when I was only 48.

Needless to say, I really don't want my eventual exit from this life to look like my parents' - I have every intention of someday dying in my sleep, a very old, very happy lady.  And every thing about my life since my cancer diagnosis has been in pursuit of that kind of end .... a long, long time from now.

A big part of that was to stop drinking.  Part of it has been learning how to eat well for my body.  And a big part of it has been changing my thoughts, my beliefs, my values - Maybe "changing" them isn't the right word, maybe it's more about pulling them all out, re-examining them and just deciding if they're still working for me, or against me.  I think we can do that at any time in our life, but being humans, we tend to not do it until we're pushed up against a wall.  I hope and pray every day that my efforts are not too little too late.  I don't want to live forever, I just want to live until I am done, and I'm nowhere near done.

Happy Birthday to me!  It's been a quiet one for sure, but I am extremely grateful for every minute of it.

Hugs to all!

Letting go of the past - really

I finally feel like I can breathe, and take some time for reflection this week.  Last week I had a lot of energy around my webinair for the Feminine Rising New Moon Retreat, which took place on Saturday.  I think my workshop went well, I feel good about it and have watched the replay twice now.  Each time I do one of these I learn a lot, and each time I feel more confident.  I didn't market it as much as I might have, but I felt a little paralyzed with anxiety for some reason.

So that's behind me now, the next time I do this it won't be my first time, I can modify existing content and don't have to start from a place of unknowing.  That feels good, like a relief.  I would like to do more webinars, and maybe that will, in time, ease my nerves about public speaking.  Maybe.  lol

So my business coach asked her clients to ponder and answer the question of what my 70 year old self would say to us today.  So, here's that answer:
"Have faith that you are right where you are meant to be, doing what you are meant to be doing.  Stay focused on the journey and your part in it, and keep trusting God with the destination.  Forgive yourself and others - in deed, thought & intent.  Trust your instincts, trust your instincts, trust your instincts.  Stay sober, keep growing and keep asking those great questions of yourself and of life.  Once and for all, let go of the past - let it go, there really is nothing there to serve you now.  You are beautiful and smart and powerful and so very worthy.  You ARE enough.  I love you! p.s. - eat the potato chips, it's ok.:-) "

Interesting, when I was writing that and got to the part about letting go of the past, my eyes welled up with tears and I felt this intense wave of emotion hit me.  In that moment, I realized just how much I have been holding on to the past, all of it, not just the parts that hurt.  I could literally feel the past slipping away, fading into the background, like a door slowly closing as I back away from it.  Maybe I needed to hear myself saying that TO myself (in theory) for it to really sink in, or maybe the time is finally right and I am ready to let it go.  I always thought "letting go of the past" meant just releasing the pain, but now I wonder if it doesn't also mean that we are holding on to the good parts, comparing everything now to everything then, seeing it all through rose-colored glasses.  Maybe doing that literally prevents us from being fully present, from seeing all the good that is happening now.

See, these are those "great questions" that I am always asking of myself and of life - I love that I do this, it's part of who I am.  What do you love about yourself?

Note to younger self ...

It's not often that I come across anything profound in a People magazine, but for their 40th Anniversary edition they asked some people to give advice to their younger self.  One in particular stood out and it's from Sharon Stone ... I'd like to share it with you.

"Dear Sharon, your life right now, full of all of its hard times and confusing times and times when you feel like you don't belong, is simply telling you that you are special.  Not just different, but special.  No two people are alike, no matter how much the world tries to blend everyone together and punish those who stand out and apart.  In fact, my darling child, the very things that make you different and apart are your gifts; they are what you will bring to the world.  They are what is the plan for the world, they are the wonder of you.  The shouts and confusion about 'why you just can't be like everybody else' will become the shouts of glory as you stand your ground and be exactly as God made you: just you, an individual in all of your little ways.  Carry that near your heart in your alone times, now and always, and toughen up kid.  These tough times will make you strong enough for what is to come.  I love you.  And God loves you."

I don't know about you, but that really struck a chord in me.  Not only is it gentle, but it's extremely meaningful ... how often do we beat ourselves up and criticize ourselves for not being "just like everyone else", when in fact, that which sets us apart from others IS the gift that we bring the world.  It is our differences, not our need to be the same, that makes us special.  And we are ALL special, as Sharon says "in all of our little ways".    What I also like about this message to a younger self is that it's not full of harshness or meanness, it's loving and it's nurturing.  What a beautiful way to speak to a younger version of ourselves, who still lives inside of us, and is most likely still looking for acceptance and love.   We can give ourselves, all of our selves, past & present, that love and acceptance we are/were looking for, which most human beings are looking for.  And I think by doing so, we can heal those broken places inside us so that we can move into tomorrow without all that baggage weighing us down, doing any further damage to our lives and those we share it with.

Just my thoughts for today, thanks for listening. Hugs

Pivotal moment

I wanted to share something that happened a week or so ago, a moment which the farther I get away from, the more pivotal I can see it really was.

Recently, I took an equine guided vision journey with my amazing business coach.  She lives in a mountain town on a gorgeous piece of land with her family, other assorted animals and these four beautiful, amazing horses.  One of the horses, Destiny, reached out and touched my heart the minute I saw her.  She was all white and so beautiful, soulful eyes and an attentive, watchful, intuitive nature about her.  She was one of two mares but definitely the lady in charge ... I loved watching her correct then nurture the other horses, and us humans too.  :-)

On the second of our two-day weekend retreat, we took turns in the round pen, pondering a question ... something we each wanted answered for ourselves, something that was relative to where we are in our lifes journey.  The horses were allowed to come into the pen if they chose to during my session, and I was elated that they all four chose to be with me.  I shared that since my cancer journey 3+ years ago, I have been struggling to get back my joy, my excitement over life, the feeling of being fully alive and exhileration over being here.  Tears and then sobs came, as I allowed myself to feel those feelings of being lost, confused about life and what comes next, the struggle to find my place once again in this world.  All the horses really showed up for me, but Destiny especially surrounded me with her protective body and energy, she stayed very close to me, letting me encircle her neck with my arms and just lean onto her body, showing me her heart space repeatedly.

At one point, I was asked to step out of the round pen, seeing it as a symbolic stepping out of my comfort zone, being willing to just do that much.  It took me a minute or two to summon up my courage, and I sobbed all over again ... it felt so much deeper than just what it was, it felt very symbolic to me.  As I moved forward finally, I could feel Destiny right behind me, touching but not really pushing, just letting me know I wasn't alone.  She stayed right behind me the whole time, and when I finally felt like I could go back in, she blocked the gate with her body, as if to say "just stay here for a while, become comfortable in your discomfort, it's ok, I'm here".  We all laughed at that - laughter through tears is such a beautiful feeling.  My coach knew the depth of my emotions, and she asked me how that felt, and did I see and feel the symbolism taking place there.  I did ... believe me, I did.  And that feeling of knowing that it's going to be ok if I take chances, risks and face some of my discomforting fears, knowing that I will have support and that I won't be alone, has stayed with me, in a very profound way.  It started a huge shift for me, one that has continued since then.  I think constantly of that moment, that horse and what happened when I was willing to just take a step forward, with no control over an outcome ... life showed up in the form of beautiful Destiny.  I hold that feeling like a precious butterfly that has landed on me, gracing me with it's strength and beauty, filling my heart with love and a deep knowing that I'm safe, even when I'm willing to feel unsafe.

Filled with gratitude for what I am learning, what life and God is showing me, and all the beautiful teachers He is surrounding me with.

Hugs and much love to all,
Allita

It's a process

I am FINALLY feeling like myself after having that cold/virus for what felt like forever, and it was definitely with me for about two weeks.  Last nagging complaint was a sore throat, but after seeing my healing touch practitioner yesterday, that is now gone too.  Bonus!

I noticed after I posted the last time, and was talking about feeling overwhelmed again after having said that I don't feel that way anymore, that it's a process.  It comes and it goes.  I can honestly say that I am feeling less and less overwhelmed as time goes on, but there are still times when it just seems like every single thing in my life right now is pure effort,  where things don't have that "easy and light" feel to them.  

Something I've been struggling with for some time now is trying to recapture that feeling of excitement about life, just life in general.  I had it once, before cancer, but since then it's been missing and nothing I seem to do brings in back.  I faked it for a while with booze, but now with that gone too, it's been really tough.  It's like cancer took something away from me, something that made me, well ... me.  My whole life, I would periodically just get this giddy, happy, joyful, excited-about-life feeling, out of nowhere, and for no particular reason.  It made tough days bearable and good days, gooder.  :-)  It's been hard to feel motivated to keep going, to find something worth staying here for.  I don't mean I have thoughts of suicide, because I never have, not once, ever.  What I mean is a sort of apathy has set in, and drinking it away didn't help, shopping it away didn't help, traveling it away didn't help ... only thing I didn't try was men, but I know that won't help.

But it's starting to shift, and THAT is a process.  It shifted a little bit the weekend I played with the horses, and it shifted a bit when I was at the ocean in California last weekend.  And it shifted a little bit with my healing touch practitioner earlier this week.  It is shifting a little bit every day, but it isn't happening by osmosis.  I have to be willing to be scared, to risk, to feel uncertain and to feel alone ... I'm looking for a feeling of being fully alive, immersed in life and exhilerated to be alive.  That won't happen by staying "safe" and sheltered, by staying stuck and not moving forward.  Yes, I had cancer - But I have to remind myself I AM ALIVE, I SURVIVED.  And I also have to remember this: That's what was, not what is ... it's over now, that's all over now.  It changed me profoundly, for the better I believe, and for that I'm grateful.  Sometimes it's hard to move beyond something traumatic that happened to us, but it is worth putting in the effort to do just that.

I'm finally ready to get a tattoo will have meaning for me.  On my right wrist i'm getting a small caterpillar, then a blue semi colon next to it, then a butterfly next to that.  Signifying what I was, what happened (semi colon because that's literally what I have and because it denotes a pause, not an end, and blue for colon cancer) and what I am now - a beautiful butterfly.  Now I just need to find the right artist who can see my vision.  :-)

Hugs and blessings to all! 

Been a while ....

Sorry for such a lag in between posts lately - week before last I was at a 3-day seminar and last week I got sick on Tuesday and this thing is still dragging at me.  I haven't been this sick for this long since before I got cancer, and I really do think it's because I've been getting acupuncture so regularly for so long now.  But as of 2 months ago, when my acupuncturist moved out of state, I haven't been getting treatments.  So, instead I got sick.  :-(  Bad trade off in my opinion.

The seminar I went to was really good, and very different.  It was called 12 Months to Six Figures, and showed entrepreneurs & solopreneurs how to not waste time making common mistakes in starting your own business.  It was full of really great information, and not the stuff one might expect.  There were a lot of tools I can use right now in moving my consulting business forward, getting it up and running.   Good stuff.

I must admit I am feeling really overwhelmed with all that I feel I need to do.  I feel this constant pressure to get my business up and running, to make a sustainable income before this time next year.  A lot of that pressure comes from fear - fear of running out of money before I can support myself, having nowhere to turn and finding myself in an uncomfortable place.  And that fear is keeping me from really being present and just enjoying this time, these moments.  Somewhere inside of me I KNOW it's all going to be ok, I have no reason to believe or think otherwise.  I'm almost 52 years old, have survived and thrived through a lot of shit, a LOT of shit - And I've always been ok, sometimes better than ok.  I want to change things, have fun again and not always be so serious-minded, so fearful and pressured.  The only person making me feel that way is me, I'm the only one that can change it.  So I will.

Still feeling under the weather with this sinus infection/virus whatever it is.  Went to Dress for Success this morning, and got through one hour before I broke out in a cold sweat, felt weak & shaky and had to come home.  Oh well, that's still more than I felt like doing yesterday, so it's progress.

Better get back to work!  Best to all of you

Allita

Labor Day

Happy Labor Day peeps.  Another one of those holidays we all love to celebrate but know little/nothing about, or seem to care.  So many people sacrificed so much for all these holidays we enjoy, and very few people acknowledge those sacrifices, makes me sad.

It has been a very busy, productive week and will be again this next week.  I feel like I'm getting back into the fullness of life, and it doesn't make me feel overwhelmed like it did not long ago.   I don't have that feeling of needing to psych myself up, or prepare, to be busy and have a lot going on in my day or week.  I think that's due to a lot of things - 20 months of sobriety, feeling better physically, having some good solid help in finding my place in life again and getting my hormones more in balance again.

On that last note, I'm so excited to report that I seem to be getting my menopausal symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, absent libido, mood swings, poor sleep) under control with my essential oil products.  What a wild ride this has been!!  They removed my ovaries in my first cancer surgery, April 2011, then chemotherapy comes along and makes menopausal symptoms a living hell.  I finally get things under control in Spring '12 with compounded, bio-identical hormones and then my physician passes away.  I switch practices, everything gets re-adjusted (it was like starting all over again, kind of frustrating) and fine tuned, and while bliss had returned, I realized I was spending a fortune on that stuff.  And all along my goal had been to achieve balance and harmony in my body with the essential oil products, so in May/June of this year I quit taking my prescribed hormones and started tinkering with the oils.  It's taken a while to get balance again, but I can feel it coming back.  No hot flashes at all yesterday or yet today, no sweating last night, sleeping well and even beginning to feel my libido returning, which goes a long way towards a feeling of well-being with me.

This week I've got my Storytelling workshop, and then a 3-day seminar titled "12 Months to Six Figures" that I'm really excited about!  I've extended my work with my life coach Kami for another 9 weeks and have started working with a web designer to get a new website up and running.  My virtual assistant is working on a newsletter that will be going out the first week in November, and the Feminine Rising virtual retreat has been cancelled for September (thank God) and will start in October, giving me more time to pull my workshop together.  Things are falling into place, and I'm full of gratitude and a knowing that this will continue as long as I continue doing what's in front of me and staying authentic to who I am.  What a ride!!!

Have a fabulous week!

Happy Birthday Mom!!

On August 25th, 1924 my mother, Ella Celestia Good (later  Olsen Parlette) was born to Aura & Fred Good.  My mother has been gone now for 18 years, she would have been 90 years old today.  She was my best friend, the one person in this world who knew me best and loved me without qualification.  I could talk to her about anything, and did - we had great conversations!  Her family was her everything, and she worked very hard to not carry the baggage from her own broken childhood into mine.  She wasn't perfect, and neither was our relationship.  But I always knew for sure that I was loved and that there was one person on this planet for whom I was the center of their universe.

I remember when she died, one of my thoughts was that I'm an orphan now, no longer anyones child. I was only 32 when she passed and I remember how incredibly alone I felt, knowing I was no longer someones child.  Might sound like a funny thing to say/feel but think about it, it's a very "untethered" feeling, like a balloon just floating free, nothing and no one now to anchor you.  I was not married at the time and I never have had children.  Even getting married a few years later I never had that "I belong to someone now" feeling, although I think that was more a function of my particular marriage, not marriage in general.  But it is a very different feeling once your parents are gone - regardless of your age at that moment, that is when you realize (or I realized) that your childhood is truly and finally over.   There's no one left to ask what you were like as a baby, or hear the story of how your parents met, fell in love, what was going on in the world when you were in your mother's womb, or any of those other questions that remind us of where we came from.  I know not everyone had a good, healthy childhood or even parents that were in love with, let alone married to, each other.  But that's my story, and I'm really grateful for it.  Grateful that I had two parents, for however long I had them, that really & truly loved me, wanted me,  loved each other and modeled that for me.

There have been many moments since my mothers passing, mostly in the last few years as I have begun the process of becoming more conscious to life, that I have been able to see some elements of our relationship that weren't all that healthy.  I believed for years, most of my life, that I was a moody person and that that wasn't an attractive personality trait to the world, men especially.   What I know and accept now about myself is that I'm an introvert, and I can reach a point where being verbal with someone else is simply not possible until I "recharge" by going within and shutting down.  My mother struggled to understand those moments when I wasn't very communicative, and she would push me and keep pushing me, constantly asking what was wrong when there was nothing wrong, I just had nothing left to give for the moment and wanted to be left alone for a while.   But I was exactly like my father in that way, and she either had forgotten how he was (he died when I was 14) as I got older, or maybe it had bothered her about my Dad too, who knows.

Anyway,  I loved my mother deeply and never could stand being separated from her.  I still can't, I still feel like nothing has been quite right since she left.  But at the same time, I believe she needed to go and move onto whatever was next for her, and I needed to be without her for my own self-development.  I miss her, I miss that sense of knowing that all would be right when I was with her.  I miss knowing that for one person, there was no one more important than me, I came first for her.  But I still walk through this world with her love, hers and my fathers,  and that love has molded and shaped me in so many ways, it has given me the strength and confidence I've needed to survive this life without her.  I'm thankful and grateful that I had 32 years with her, that I was privileged to know the amazing woman that Celeste Parlette was (she stopped using her first name long before I was born) and most of all, grateful that she loved me.

Happy Birthday Mom, I love you.

Finding others like me ...

Just had to share this Tedx video I just saw.  Really spoke to me in a profound way ,,, she's telling her own story and we're all different, but it's like she was also telling my story.

Take a look:

Glennon Melton

I found her through another post on her website, which if you're interested is:
http://momastery.com

She's a recovering bulimic, alcholic and drug addict, who it also sounds like has discovered she's an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person).

One of the things I love about how she presents herself and talks, is that it's obvious she's in the same 12-step recovery program I am because of some of the vernacular she uses.  But she doesn't just quote from a book, she uses her own words.  I love that, it's kind of rare.

An acceptance of things just as they are, has been washing over me lately.  It feels a little like waking after a long nap where you were dreaming vividly, thinking your dreamworld was real.  Then you wake, look around you and what you see isn't necessarily bad compared to the dreamworld, it's just different.  And at first you think this real world is the dream, but in time you come to recognize that this is, in fact, what's real.  When I drank, and my whole life prior to 19 months ago revolved around drinking to feel, not feel, plug-in, unplug, celebrate, grieve, etc., that felt like some kind of dreamworld - But I thought it, and everything in it, was real.  So odd sometimes, and yet really grounding & serene, to realize this is real, that was not.  No more blackouts, no more gaps in my memory that made me feel sometimes like I was literally going insane.  I may not always remember clearly what happened two weeks ago, I am 51 years old after all.  But I wake up each and every day remembering what happened last night, who I spoke to and what I said/didn't say, did/didn't do.  And the grace that I feel erupting inside me every day from that alone is something I could never have expected when I lived in that dream world, so desperately wanting grace and having no idea how or where to look for it.

I am blessed - thank you God.

I woke up this morning feeling very happy, content - for no particular reason, but I haven't felt this way in some time.  I slept really well, Bella beside me all night as I lock her in now so she can't wake me all night barking at raccoons, foxes, cats or whatever else seems to disturb her at 3am.  Don't think I had a night sweat all night, and that alone was a blessing.

I can't help but wonder at the significance of finding this flower blooming beside my driveway last night.

I thought it was a weed, it's certainly not something I planted there.  After much discussion on Facebook and googling, I believe it is a night blooming Moon Flower.  In the light of day, it's no longer blooming, which explains why I've never noticed it before - I don't go out much at night.

Someone said the flower might be Gods way of saying I'm on the right path, and I like the way that sounds.  Might also be why I woke up feeling happy this morning, and slept so well last night.  I am letting go of parts of my past that no longer serve me.  Not with anger or resentment, or even sadness, just acceptance that life is different now, I'm different now, things change.  I am really grateful for that acceptance, it's been quite a process to get there.

So today I'm just being as lazy as possible - it's now 1:30 and I'm on the couch watching episodes of Merlin on Netflix.  I plan to be here most of the day, not leaving the house.  I haven't had a day like this in so long.  Balance is something I've become aware of this past week, needing to find more of it.  Not really a message that is easy to get from outside sources, it's something that life will remind us of though if we're not careful.  And Bella is snoozing right here beside me, always comforting.

Blessings!

Robin Williams

His death is just feeling so heavy to me, and I think to many others as well.  I'm disheartened to hear so many people judging his final choice.  I truly have no idea what it feels like to want to end your life, that thought/those feelings have literally never come into my head, which I'm so grateful for.  But I think I can understand where the judgement comes from - it's from fear and pain.  We look at someone who seemed to have so much going for him, seemed so gifted and full of joy, and yet his inability to feel the joy that he gave to others is very scary.  And we feel pain from anger, he took himself from us, denied anyone the ability to reach him through that pain.  It rattles us when someone takes their own life, it feels so wrong, not part of Gods plan, something so out of synch that we can't make any sense of it.  A life just gone, over, aborted, disrupted.  That's how it feels to me anyway, no good bye's, no chance to get used to the idea of a world without that person.

Some years back, I knew a woman named Linda.  We became good friends very quickly, and were involved in some of the same, shall we say, extra-curricular activities.  I'll leave out the details for now.  Linda was beautiful, smart, funny, had a great job and good friends.  But she dealt with clinical depression and bi-polar disease, which I didn't know.  She was on meds, but they didn't always work. I hadn't heard from her in some time, and a mutual friend finally asked me if I had heard the news about her.  I called her phone and her parents answered, hoping it was me ,,, she'd told them about me, about our friendship, but had cleared the numbers from her phone.  Linda had paid all her bills, checked her dog into a kennel, cleaned her apartment, and with champagne & sleeping pills, ended her life.  Her sister had found her, after not hearing from her either.  Her mother was very sweet to me, told me Linda had wanted to go for some time, had in fact tried it twice before, and that we needed to let her go in our hearts.  She'd been in pain, deep emotional pain, most of her life.

That was so hard for me to accept, I grieved Linda in private for some time.  I have one picture of her and I together, and I will always treasure it.  It's so hard to imagine how someone can just end their life on purpose, what those last few moments must feel like.  I can't imagine frankly, and finally, with Linda, I stopped trying and just let go of her.  But Robin's death reminded me of how that time felt, and how we never really know what's going on in other people's minds & hearts.  I couldn't help Linda, no one could.  But I know I touched her life in some small way, and perhaps she took some of my strength with her into what came next for her.  I can still hear her laughter and see her smile, so in some small way she left a bit of herself behind with me too.

Hugs to all. xoxo

Elephant in the room

Thought I'd share something that has occurred to me recently, and you know what a visual person I am (if you don't know that you soon will)  :-)

The further away I get from the woman I used to be, who used alcohol as a way of processing emotions and feelings (good bad or indifferent), the more I am able to see just how lost and inauthentic I really was.  All the things I thought were wrong with me,wrong with my life, were really just delusions that I fueled with the drink.   Its like living in a room that I thought was painted this grey/taupe color.  I was fine with that, didn't know anything different so all good.  But in time and with distance from my drinking,  I'm able to see that the room wasn't actually grey/taupe at ALL ,, that was the huge elephant in the room, which was my drinking.  It was so huge, so invasive and I was so close to it, that I thought that WAS me, my life.  Now I'm learning that the room is actually multi-colored, vibrant & beautiful - green, pink, blue, orange & red.  And in that room, sitting on the floor, is a little stuffed elephant, a reminder of how myopic I used to be ,,, and could be again if I fall flat on my face.

A new poem I just finished.

        Strangers

Yeah, you never knew me
You saw what you wanted to see
I showed you who you wanted me to be
But you never really saw me.

All those years, the good times we shared
It was all smoke and mirrors
I was just lost
And my soul was never bared

You kept me around
I was your unicorn, your clown
We mystified each other, you know it too
It was an illness - alcohol and you

You are such a deep part of who I used to be
It’s the past, no longer true 
That you and that me.

Pain and yes anger, that’s what I feel
I would not or could not be who I was, be real
Love, now I don’t even know
Hard to say, when we are both letting go

Yeah, I never knew me
I saw what I wanted to see
I gave the world what it wanted of me
But I never really saw me 

My vision is clearing 

Ongoing observations

I finally have a lot to say, so I hope you'll grab a cub of coffee and stay for a visit.

Had a couple cool things happen this past weekend.  Friday night I volunteered at a Dress For Success fundraiser where there was shopping accompanied by champagne (for the guests, not the volunteers lol).  But women were putting their half-full, still-cold glasses down all over the place and at one point I was wandering around cleaning things up.  I had to sort of chuckle to myself that an 18-month sober alcoholic was cleaning up half-full glasses of champagne.  But the cool thing was I could smell the alcohol, remember a time when I did, or would have been, drinking that and I was unfazed by it.  I didn't want to drink it, I wasn't repulsed by it, it was simply amusing thinking about how it used to be.  I left there that night feeling very serene and pretty strong.

Then on Saturday I went to a sober bar b q with some of my fellows in recovery, most of whom I know.  Now, one of the reasons I drank was over social anxiety, and in sobriety that anxiety still plagued me. But for some reason, I realized I was not nervous or anxious about going to this party, and when a girlfriend left (who I'd driven there with, thinking I'd want to leave when she did), I came back.  I WANTED to be there, I was actually having FUN!

My intention is not to preach recovery, but in our big book there are a couple lines which state:
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.  We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

Those two lines especially are starting to ring true for me, and it's powerful, just really really powerful.  Never in a million years did I believe that I could be comfortable in social situations, not without alcohol anyway.  Feeling very blessed by this.  

Also what's going on is my work with my life coach is starting to reveal something exciting!  It's kind of like a geological dig where everything but the hidden treasure is being chipped away at, so what's revealed is what was always there in the first place.  I'll post more about the details of this when I'm ready, but I feel really empowered to step into what's true for me.  Don't honestly think I could have done that before getting sober, I just didn't know who I was and I didn't have the tools to figure it out. And maybe most importantly, for me anyway, is that I hadn't yet learned to trust God, to tune into that wisdom and recognize His voice in what I used to see as my intuitive voice.  

Still nothing resembling romance on my horizon, and that's ok.  I guess.  lol I change my mind daily about this ... truthfully I'm fine being just me, I'm happy and content.  But I'd be happier with a good man in my life, and I know now what a "good man" means to me.  And it's not even close to what it used to mean.  

I have been following a new regimen targeting specifically the yeast overgrowth in my gut and little by little, I can feel myself healing, finally.   If I could right this one situation, I think it would help immensely.  Feeling very hopeful, at last! 

Still having night sweats and hot flashes, but I do believe it's getting better.  Must be influenced by what I eat, as some days are better than others.  

So I think that's it for now folks.  Much love to you all, thanks for listening! 

Few words ...

It's been a good week, just feeling kind of odd today for some reason.  I went to a new healer today, she uses healing touch, and it was very interesting.  I can't really say yet what my first impression is, but my session certainly put me into a very reflective mood.

I also hired a virtual assistant this week, and I'm really excited about that.  I envision her helping me with things that I could learn given the time, but having someone else do them frees me up to do the things I actually enjoy, the creative stuff!  It's a real blessing that I found the woman I did, she works with several other women that I know, so it feels like a God-fit.  :-)  Love it when that stuff happens.

I'm not sure why exactly but I'm feeling a bit bereft of words lately, so not much else to say at the moment.  But you know me, once I'm on a roll you can't shut me up, so maybe this is a good thing.

One thing I can say though is this - I am filled with gratitude at this life I've been given, and every single thing in it.  Maybe that's why I've got little to say at the moment, I'm just feeling so grateful and words are superfluous right now.  My heart feels full, and not for any particular reason, just is.

Love to all, until next time.  Ciao!

Allita

Dillon

Just back earlier today from a weekend at Lake Dillon, up in the Rockies about 90 minutes from Denver.  Eight sober women in recovery, guests of my friend E at her family's condo.  Some of us knew each other well, some not at all.  E did a great job of picking the women and creating the vibe, we got along beautifully and seemed to really enjoy each others' company.  For me, it was not the first girls' getaway I've done, but it was the first one in sobriety with other sober women.  I truly had a great time, laughed hysterically & often, slept horribly, relaxed, walked a lot, shopped a little, thoroughly enjoyed the mountains and the beautiful weather, ate food that was good for me and some that wasn't (including my FAVORITE girl scout cookies, Samoa's.  Thanks E), shared some of my story & my life, listened to other people's stories, got closer to a few of the women and got to know all of them better.

Here's what I realized last night though, and this is what really set this weekend apart from any other girls trip I've taken.  There wasn't one moment where I wanted desperately to be home alone, I wasn't counting the hours until I could leave and get back to "being me" and I never felt like the odd man out, different, separate.  And never once did I feel like I was being someone I had to be ... I was simply being me, as comfortable in my own skin as I am able to be right now.

Here's a couple pictures of the lake, taken from the condo we stayed in:

This was Friday night, Saturday was a full moon.  I thought the moon over the lake and the clouds was so beautiful.

And this was this morning, before we left to head back to town.  It was such a gorgeous morning up there, perfect in every way.

I feel very blessed to have been included, blessed to know these women and most of all, blessed to be on this amazing, incredible, painful, beautiful and totally life-changing journey.

AND, when I got back I had two packages waiting for me.  One is a pair of shoes I've been lusting over for months and finally found them, on sale!  The other box had my essential oil order, which included one of the hormonal supplements I've been waiting for.  Although hot flashes weren't actually too bad this weekend, I'm hopeful this will help get rid of them completely, along with the other oils I'm using.

Hope you had a blessed weekend as well.

Title: Untitled

I've gotten away from posting here again, it's been an odd couple of weeks.  I've been feeling so aimless and adrift again, kind of lost in my own head without a clear direction.  I always wonder if everyone feels like this as much as I do, or if it's because of something within me, maybe part of my recovery from a lifetime of drinking instead of feeling.

Anyway, I haven't been feeling very good physically again.  Having more of the ongoing gut issues that plague a colon-cancer survivor, and that affects every other area of my body, including brain function.  I feel like mentally I am about half-here lately, it's kind of frustrating.  Hormones are kind of all over the place and probably will be for a while.  But I'm excited about a new healer that I've been turned onto who uses the practice of Healing Touch.  I'll share more once I've met with her, and that's coming up in the next two weeks.   I believe, and I touched on this somewhat in In Pursuit of The Divine, that our physical issues are a result of unresolved emotional trauma, and I've had a bit of that (sarcastic).

In the meantime, I'm pushing through my fog and finishing up some homework for my life coaching. Coming up with an essence statement, who am I and what is my purpose.  It might sound easy, and possibly for some it is, but it's been difficult for me.  Almost like another rebirth, similar to how it felt when I was writing my book chapter.  I keep feeling myself distracted, wanting to go do other things.

And I'm really missing Milo again lately.  He wasn't a noisy dog per se, but he had such a presence that my house feels uncomfortably quiet without him here.

I told my life coach last week that I'd do something this week that exhilarates me ,,, excites & scares me at the same time (that's how I define exhilaration).  Still haven't quite figured out what that is, but I've been very willing to think about it.  That counts, right? ;-)

Be well peeps!

Post-YL Convention

Haven't posted since before my trip to Salt Lake last week, it was a very busy week.

I drove to SLC Monday the 23rd - I keep thinking that trip is only about 8-9 hours but it's really more like 11.  Uneventful trip out there, which is always good.  Enjoyed the solitude of the drive though, listening to the latest adventures of Jamie & Claire (aka the Outlander series of books), letting my mind wander and loving the freedom of making as many bathroom stops as I wanted to without comment from a companion (I pee a LOT).  :-)

The convention itself was good, and I learned a few things, although not as much as last year.  Probably more because I was just an empty bucket when I went last year,  in need of so much information that it all felt new and helpful.  But it was GREAT to see two dear friends who I went to Health Coaching school with, although we never got a picture of the three of us. :-(

I'm still absorbing what I learned from Dr. LeAnne Deardeuff, whom I had a consult with while there on ways to treat some of the ongoing cancer/surgery/chemo-related issues I still deal with.  She had some helpful suggestions, several of which I have ordered the supplies to implement, and a couple I know won't work for me.  She also had some suggestions on how to get my hormones in balance.

Now I'm back, and feeling it's time to get a little more committed to putting together a career out of what's happened to me over the last 3 years.  I'm so thankful to be working with Kami, my life coach, who is helping me peel away the layers so I can focus on what's important and real.  I think I'm getting a little closer, and starting to feel some focus & clarity.  I will be interviewing and hiring a virtual assistant to help me with some of the technology issues that intimidate and overwhelm me, because that's keeping me from taking any steps forward.

I want to write and get paid for it.  I want to help other women listen to their own inner voices and hear their heart speak to them, as I have/am learning to do.  I want to be a healer, I know I have that in me, just not 100% sure what that looks like, but I'm starting to see it.  God is guiding me, that I know for sure.

That's it for now, more very soon.  I woke up with an epiphany this morning that feels life changing, and exhilarating!

Hugs to you all.

Gratitude

Today I am so full of gratitude for a huge list of things.

I'm grateful for all the love I have ever received, and all the love I reached for but didn't receive, and all the love I will receive in the future.

I'm grateful for all the people in my life now, the people no longer in my life and the people who will come into my life in the future.

I'm grateful for the friendships I enjoy now, the ones which were once bright but are now fading away and the ones still to develop and grow.

I am grateful for the service I have done to date, that which I will do in the future and all the missed chances for service that I later regretted, as I know those regrets serve me as well.

And I am grateful for the love I will give, have given and never got to give.  For the lives I was able to be part of, the friend that I have been and the friend I never got to be, and all the service that was done on my behalf.

I'm grateful for all the animals who have blessed me with their love.  I'm grateful for all the homes that have sheltered me, and especially for the one I have now.

Theres a lot more, but these are the biggies.  Sometimes I get caught up in what I don't have and lose sight of all that I have to be grateful for.

Changes ...

I wish getting sober was just a matter of not drinking ... it's not just that, it's so much more.  It is the biggest change I have ever been through or ever will go through.  And it is a very isolating feeling when people you once thought knew you and loved you, can't see/don't care how big this is.  After 18 months of being in recovery, I can see why alcoholics hang out with other alcoholics ,,, there's an ease there that can be hard to find with others.

First of all, to those of you who can take or leave that next drink, who once you've had one there's no triggered craving for more, and more, and more still,  I envy you.  That's not what happens when alcohol hits my blood, and at times I wish you could know how this feels.  I wish I knew how it felt to be you too.  

But the craving for more once I take a drink isn't all there is to it ... in fact I don't crave the drink anymore at all.  But what happens once I take away that coping mechanism, that way of numbing, celebrating, socializing  - is that I have to find new ways of doing those things, feeling those emotions.  I have to actually FEEL my feelings, unfiltered and honest, which might sound odd to those of you who never felt your emotions (good AND bad) through a filter of alcohol.  But I rarely, if ever, processed things that way before, so I'm having to learn how now.  It's not always fun or easy,  and it's brand new to me, so I am still learning and not always doing it "right".   And accepting myself for just who I am, no longer believing that alcohol turns me into the more fun, more social or sexier version of me - well, this is also new and at times a bit uncomfortable. 

I'm 51 years old,  and when I peer back through the years of my life, it's somewhat hazy and vague.  Some memories are clear and sharp, many are not.   The reason for that is, quite simply, I have blacked out to some degree every single time I've drank alcohol.  A blackout is nothing more, or less, than a complete memory loss.  Whether its the loss of an hour or several hours, the loss is complete and it never returns - it's like a blank space in my mind. Add up 34+ years of that, and you have an idea of what my mind feels like.  It is hard to accept sometimes, but acceptance is all there is now.  That too is often uncomfortable, but there's also peace in no longer denying what I know to be true. 

And I thought the mental image of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly fit the changes I went through as I recovered from cancer treatment.  I can safely say that metamorphosis didn't even compare to the one I'm going through as I recover from a lifetime of pain & self-deception, aka alcoholism.  

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Amen.  

Entitlement

So I just have to share my observation ,,, at the bottom of the highway offramp I take to get home, there are always people asking for monetary assistance.  I drive a nice car, which is paid for and I bought it used ,,, nevertheless, when some people see my car approaching, they stand there with their sign, staring at me.  As if to say "you have a nice car, you must have money, please give me some", which I sometimes do, without judgement or criticism.  But when I get these looks, as I did today, like "you should be ashamed you didn't give me money", it gets on my nerves.  And this look from a man who doesn't look disabled in any way, had on new-looking, well-fitting, clean clothes, good shoes, nice sunglasses, etc.  What the hell??!!

Fabulous Friday!

It's Friday once again, which is fabulous in and of itself, still after all these years.  Friday has always been my very favorite day, and even though I'm not currently doing the M-F 9-5 gig, it still is.  I get kind of giddy when I wake up and realize what day it is.  Love that.

Posting this from my patio, pictured here:

I think I've spoken ad-nauseum about my patio before, so I'll spare you that again today, just wanted you to see it.  :-)

Been an interesting week.  The man I went on a date with that was awesome, followed that up with a date that was not awesome at all, ending it by telling me he really just wants to be "friends".  Came out of left field, wasn't expecting that and it bruised my ego a bit.  It also made me feel awkward, mostly because I'm sober, I am striving to be honest & authentic, which I have little-no experience with.  In truth, I don't think it would have gone much of anywhere as we have very different values ... mine being more of a spiritual/democrat/scorpio kind and his being a very christian/republican/taurus kind.  Not a match made in heaven for sure.  But we had one really lovely evening so I'm just going to fondly remember that and keep moving forward.

My book, In Pursuit of the Divine: Written Stories to Empower a Woman's Soul hit #1 in the Happiness category on Amazon earlier this week, which is very exciting!!!  Several friends have received their copy and have been touched by one, if not many, stories in there so that is also very exciting and rewarding to hear.

Fear is creeping in again a little bit, around whether my money will last until I get some kind of business up and running.  I don't think it's a realistic fear, but I seem to be spending money like it's water right now.  Not wasting, spending ,,, that's important for me to remember and remind myself of.  I also go through this little script in my head, telling myself that I've always had every single thing I need, there's no reason to believe God brought me this far to abandon me now.  It helps, most of the time.  Being really present to the moment I'm in also helps, and not comparing my life to anyone else's life.

I am beginning to get really excited about my upcoming trip to Salt Lake City.  I'll get to see some of my dear friends, learn a lot more about using essential oils, and I'm getting to meet face to face with the woman who has written several books on hormones and using the oils.  My hope is that she can help guide me towards a path of endocrine health using the oils exclusively.  I've been heading in that direction for some time now, but still holding onto more traditional ways and I think the Universe is trying to shift my focus.

Guess I better go hop in the shower - kind of loath to leave this calm, peaceful space, it's so quiet right now, I love it.  Happy Friday peeps! <3

I Feel So Alone

This is a poem I wrote a couple of years ago, post-cancer but before sobriety.  I was obviously feeling so lost, but somehow also knowing that a bigger purpose was unfolding.  I'm finding it still resonates to some degree with where I am today, although I don't feel nearly as lost, "aimless and adrift".

I Feel So Alone

I feel so alone, but am I?

Spinning, drowning, aimless and adrift 

No sense of purpose, but is that the gift?

Who I once was, is she no longer here?

Can I accept what is now, walk through this fear?

At times my life feels empty,

And so riddled with doubt 

This new me…

I don't know, what is she all about?

All alone in my head

My soul cries out for reasons

All the questions, never ending,

Like what my purpose for being is. 

Faith, I have plenty

A bigger plan I know is in store 

I don't regret what's been asked,

But must there always be more? 

A purpose and direction are what I now seek, 

A new compass, a focus, 

To feel my heart wildly beat

My soul, my spirit,

Am I them, are they me?

I feel so alone, but am I...truly?