I feel so alone

This is a poem I wrote about a year ago, and it's one of my favorites:

I feel so alone, but am I?

Spinning, drowning, aimless and adrift 

No sense of purpose, but is that the gift?

Who I once was, is she no longer here?

Can I accept what is now, walk through this fear?

At times my life feels empty,

And so riddled with doubt 

This new me…

I don't know, what is she all about?

All alone in my head

My soul cries out for reasons.

All the questions, never ending,

Like what my purpose for being is. 

Faith, I have plenty

A bigger plan I know is in store. 

I don't regret what's been asked,

But must there always be more? 

A purpose and direction are what I now seek, 

A new compass, a focus, 

To feel my heart wildly beat.

My soul, my spirit,

Am I them, are they me?

I feel so alone, but am I...truly?

Music

Taking a break from my audiobooks today and listening to music.  Crazy how a song can take you right back into a mood, an emotion or a memory and just as quick as it's over and another song/memory/emotion comes on, you're off into that experience.  I love how music, like scents with me, can instantly transport me right to a memory.  I feel, smell, hear as if I was there again, with those people, in that place, in that moment of time.  Music also has the ability to draw me into something ahead of me, a feeling that I know is not a memory, but rather of a moment that I hope is to come, a feeling I would love to have, a memory I look forward to making.

Totally random thought, but whenever I watch tv shows or movies that are about some future holocaust where electricity on our planet is gone, all I can think about is that means there's no music. Man, that would be a VERY bleak future in my opinion.  I'm just so thankful for all the beautiful melodies there are to listen to, to inspire my soul and daydreams.

I Won't Let You Go

It’s like a storm

That cuts a path

It breaks your will

it feels like that

You think you’re lost

But you’re not lost

On your own

You’re not alone

I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you’ve done all you can do and you can’t cope

I will dry your eyes

 I will fight your fight 

I will hold you tight and I won’t let go

It hurts my heart to see you cry

I know it’s dark, this part of life

Oh it finds us all, we’re too small

To stop the rain, oh but when it rains

I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you’ve done all you can do, and you can’t cope

I will dry your eyes

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight and I won’t let you fall 

Don’t be afraid to fall

I’m  right here to catch you, I won’t let you down

It won’t get you down

You’re going to make it,  I know you can make it

I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you’ve done all you can do and you can’t cope

I will dry your eyes

 I will fight your fight 

I will hold you tight and I won’t let go

I’m going to hold you and I won’t let go.  

I won’t let go. 

Rascal Flatts 

That damn bottle

Something happened week before last that I haven't posted about.  I came across a half-empty bottle of vodka in my pantry, that I'd evidently not noticed when I poured all my booze down the drain last January 7th.  If you're an alcoholic, you'll understand why that was so powerful, if you're not one of us, maybe you'll learn something about what it's like.

That vodka had a lot of power and energy for me.  Once again I was slapped in the face with the reality that I can't, and won't ever be able to, drink like other people.  I so wanted to just pour myself a drink or two, enjoy them and put the bottle back on the shelf.  But then, I've wanted that to be the result every single time I've taken that first drink, for over 30 years that's what I have wanted.  And that is never, not once, what has happened.  So once again, despite my carefully crafted safe life, where no booze has been around to remind me of what I want and can never have, here I was faced with reality again and it really pissed me off.  It made me angry as hell, but since I struggle to recognize when I'm feeling anger,  it took 2 more days before I realized that the heavy, dark feeling hanging over me was, in fact, anger.  

My therapist gave me a great visual this past week to help me take some of the energy away from moments like that.  I see my disease, my alcoholism, as a big ugly beast.  When I first got sober, it was right beside my face, snarling and salivating as it wanted so badly to get it's sharp claws and fangs in me again.  I was aware of it's presence, so volatile, loud and threatening.  Now, after 16 months of working a recovery program, it's still nearby but now it's laying down, watching me constantly, never taking it's eyes off of me.  So my therapist suggested I visualize someone, not me, throwing water on it and picturing it melting like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz.  Or someone pokes it with a pin, and I realize it was just a balloon as I watch it deflating into nothing.  That works. :-) 

More observations

It's been an interesting week since that last post, much has been going on and I'm learning to trust my own judgement about things.

One opportunity was to take a Teach The Hormone Cure class from Sara Gottfried MD, the author of The Hormone Cure.  Definitely something I want to do, but it's fairly pricey and not in the budget right now.   Hopefully it will be offered again, as I do think I'm narrowing in on the audience that I wish to market my health consulting services to, and it's women at a certain age in life, like me.  Women who are experiencing either some pre-menopause or menopause symptoms but want to treat their body as gently as possible (i.e. no synthetic hormones) and having this certification will enable me to market to that audience.

And the compiler (lead author) of the book I'm co-authoring invited me to take part in a series of virtual retreats starting in June.  Basically it would be one weekend each month where I and others would be offering online workshops for people to pick and choose from.  I love the idea, love the opportunity, but again the timing just isn't right for me.

And now feeling really glad I didn't jump on either of these, from a financial perspective, as I learned today I need a new hot water heater.  Heavy sigh.  Not cheap at $1400.  But the blessing is (and it's important for me to see the blessings in things) I do have the money, it's not the dead of winter and it's really just an inconvenience more than anything else.  But had I spent money on those workshops, I'd be feeling much more stressed about this than I am.  Everything happens for a reason.

Had a really nice Easter weekend.  Went with a group of women to cook & serve dinner to the resident kids at Denver Children's Home.  Sweet kids who've been through more in their young lives than I can ever fathom.  Then yesterday went to a church service (too intense for me, very bible-based) and had a lovely brunch at a friends house.  Her home is so lovely and she has such a nice big family, I thought I might come home and feel lonely & sad for being alone, but I really didn't.  I relish my quiet time, I know not everyone would but I do.   All in all a nice weekend.  A little sadness as I realized once again that some friendships are just not going to survive this transformation I'm going through.  That's a tough one to accept, but I can't go back to who I was so I guess it just is what it is.  Sounds trite, and I definitely don't mean it that way.

What I know

So after a week and weekend of intense closet purging, purging some limiting beliefs, bike riding, dog walking and seeing old friends,  here's a few things that I know for sure (aka things I believe):

1.  Owning far more than we need or can ever use is not healthy
2.  Trying to fill our spiritual emptiness with things like clothes or other addictions is futile.
3.  Once I started filling that hole inside myself with a belief in my higher power, aka God, I stopped feeling such a sense of lack in my life.
4.  I have some work to do with the emotion of anger ... recognizing it, processing it, letting it go.
5.  Fear about the future is nothing but paralyzing, it serves no value or purpose.
6.  I need to get padded bike shorts (ouch)
7.  I'd rather spend time walking in nature with just my dogs than with 95% of the people in this world.
8.  Friendships wax and wane, like any other relationship.  Even ones which have existed for decades can change or even fade, but the love remains, regardless.
9.  Cold and snow after days of temps in the 70's kinda sucks.

That is all ... for now

Addictions

Boy, I'm still wrestling with this part of my personality.  This morning, I left an AA meeting, feeling perfectly even keeled, went to Whole Foods and bought a morning bun.  If you don't know what those are, and there's really no reason you should, they are a spiral rolled, doughy & yeasty baked flour & sugar bun that is kind of crispy on the outside, soft & mushy as you get closer to the middle, and glazed with orange flavor.  One of the yummiest things on the planet in my opinion.  And I sat in my car in the parking lot and just inhaled all of it, enjoying the pleasure it brought to my mouth.  All the while telling myself I would NOT eat the whole thing.  

Why this is hitting an addiction for me is that I KNOW eating that bun is going to put me in pain & misery later ,,, I can NOT digest wheat flour and sugar is like poison in my body.  I'll be in the bathroom all night, doubled over in pain and plagued with diarrhea.  So, knowing this will be the outcome, why do I do things like that??  Is it as simple as just wanting to enjoy the pleasurable taste sensations?  If it were, wouldn't I be able to stop at half and not wolf down the whole thing, stuffing it in my mouth as fast as possible, before reason could take over?  I don't think so ... food, especially food that isn't good FOR me but tastes good TO me, is one of my addictions.  And evidently, unlike alcohol & cocaine, this is one I still haven't surrendered my powerlessness over.  More to be revealed.