That damn bottle

Something happened week before last that I haven't posted about.  I came across a half-empty bottle of vodka in my pantry, that I'd evidently not noticed when I poured all my booze down the drain last January 7th.  If you're an alcoholic, you'll understand why that was so powerful, if you're not one of us, maybe you'll learn something about what it's like.

That vodka had a lot of power and energy for me.  Once again I was slapped in the face with the reality that I can't, and won't ever be able to, drink like other people.  I so wanted to just pour myself a drink or two, enjoy them and put the bottle back on the shelf.  But then, I've wanted that to be the result every single time I've taken that first drink, for over 30 years that's what I have wanted.  And that is never, not once, what has happened.  So once again, despite my carefully crafted safe life, where no booze has been around to remind me of what I want and can never have, here I was faced with reality again and it really pissed me off.  It made me angry as hell, but since I struggle to recognize when I'm feeling anger,  it took 2 more days before I realized that the heavy, dark feeling hanging over me was, in fact, anger.  

My therapist gave me a great visual this past week to help me take some of the energy away from moments like that.  I see my disease, my alcoholism, as a big ugly beast.  When I first got sober, it was right beside my face, snarling and salivating as it wanted so badly to get it's sharp claws and fangs in me again.  I was aware of it's presence, so volatile, loud and threatening.  Now, after 16 months of working a recovery program, it's still nearby but now it's laying down, watching me constantly, never taking it's eyes off of me.  So my therapist suggested I visualize someone, not me, throwing water on it and picturing it melting like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz.  Or someone pokes it with a pin, and I realize it was just a balloon as I watch it deflating into nothing.  That works. :-)