Rough days ...

Having a really, really rough day today.  It's day 25 of being sober, and I just wish I could sort out all these feelings and emotions.  So many at one time I don't know what to do with myself.  I've spent the last hour doing nothing but wandering into a room thinking I should do something, then I wander back to another room and just sit there, staring outside.  I feel like I've entered someone else's body, someone else's life.  Not that I want my old one back, I really don't.  Well, parts of it I do.  Things seemed so clear, so easy, when I was drinking.  I knew what to do when I felt this way ,,, I'd just drink, all was well then.  It wasn't really, I do see that now in hindsight but at the time it sure felt that way.

Went to an AA meeting at noon, that was good,,, I guess.  So far my AA meetings have been with my "friend" P.  I put it in quotes because we used to date, I think he thinks we're still dating, and I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing.  It's been comforting to attend these meetings with someone I know, someone I knew when he was drinking, when we drank together, and whom I admire and respect for what he's gone through and how far he's come.  But what I need right  now, and frankly all I have the capacity for, is someone to truly be there for me.  And he either doesn't get it, doesn't know how or can't, or, and I hate thinking this, doesn't really want to.  In the end it doesn't matter which of those applies, he just isn't there for me the way I need him to be.  M ysobriety is the most important thing right now, and if I'm being selfish by needing what I need, then so be it.  But it was so good to talk to him about these crazy feelings, I felt like he got it. 

Since we're on the topic of me at the moment (I say partly tongue in cheek), I feel an odd seperation or distance lately with some of my other friends too.  Entirely possible that I'm being overly sensitive, or overly focused on me and thinking that everyone's lives revolve around me.  Maybe I want them too, lol.  Only partly kidding. 

On a somewhat more positive note, I think I've found a sponsor.  A fellow cancer survivor, E.  The offer was made, I took it. 

Having  a rough gut day too.  Have done so much damage to my gut with ibuprofen (AND alcohol)  over the last 7-8 years that I'm laying off it completely.  Trouble is, I'm getting these intense abdominal cramps at night from all the stored estrogen in my body that I decided to take some ibuprofen last night so I could sleep.  Not the best decision as it turns out, food is just going right through me today. Ugh ,,, like I said, really really rough day.

Sobriety sucks

Day 22 ,,, kinda feels like I'm going crazy. I'm agitated, irritated, anxious and frankly pissed off. At what specifically I can't say.  I can't handle noise right now, even music feels like nails on a chalkboard.  I have no idea how to deal with all these feelings ,,, it just hit me. Without stuffing things down under a haze of booze, it feels like too many emotions are hitting me at one time. Guilt, regret, sadness, gratitude, love, joy, anger, frustration. It's sensory overload. I'm doing kind of a OCD thing too ,,, been watching the first season of Fringe on DVD and I just want to keep watching it over and over. Can't stop thinking about it, about the characters.  I feel a little like I'm going crazy, but I also feel more alive than I've felt in a long time. Not saying that's necessarily good, but it's not all bad either. Probably not making much sense right now.

My dog Milo, who has advancing kidney disease and was supposed to be dead a year ago, hasnt been feeling well. He had a rough couple of days over the weekend, saw the vet today to get him a shot of anti-nausea meds. Was on alert for him throwing up his food all day, worried for him. Kind of feels like worry and anxiety is all I was about today. Didn't exercise, despite being determined to do so this morning. I feel a sense of foreboding about Milo, but having a hard time determining if that's necessary or just what I'm going through right now. My cursor is doing something weird now, great.

Good weekend so far

I had a realization today that the true potential of my life could never have been realized while I was drinking. That everything has been waiting for me to understand I needed to stop drinking. Not just for my health, although that's crucial. But for me to feel, know, understand, comprehend, create my true life, the life I was destined to live. Yes I know, that all sounds a little "out there", but writing it here makes it feel even more truthful.

This is day 20 of my sobriety and it feels pretty good. I can't remember if I've gone this long any time previously but if I did it would only have been once. I don't think I realized I felt powerless over my drinking until now, as not drinking is giving me a sense of strength and power.

I am refusing to let myself feel overwhelmed by everything I need to be focusing on or doing. There's staying sober, changing my diet, remembering all my supplements, schoolwork that I'm way behind on, a business that I need to get up and running, friendships that I'm neglecting, needing to exercise, etc.   All of that will happen ,,, or it won't.

Wednesday

Things seem momentarily calm around my house and life today. My dog, Milo, has had two nights of not throwing up which is a beautiful thing. I am on day 17 of being sober and the physical longing for booze is a little easier now. The emotional emptiness that I used alcohol to try and fill is still here, not doing anything in particular about it. Just observing it, not pretending it's not there and remembering that "the answer to the pain is in the pain".

Having quiet peaceful time at home to myself is good right now.  I could be filling my time with activities, but that feels a little like trying to avoid what's happening.

Decompressed today ...

Last night I decided to take today "off" ,,, I went for a long drive up into the mountains of beautiful Colorado.  It was really awesome ,,, the day was gorgeous and sunny, not freezing but not overly warm.  Clear and so beautiful, snow capped mountains all around.  I finished two audiobooks and started a third.  It was just the kind of quiet reflective time I needed, all to myself, even turned my phone off.  Hips and butt are killing me now, but tomorrow it's off to the gym. 

Today is 15 days sober and physically it feels better every day, emotionally it's harder.  I used to fill this empty spot inside of me with booze, or food, or shopping.  And when you're used to filling that hole with something and decide you're not going to do that anymore, it makes for a little irritation and a sense of antsiness (pretty sure that's not a real word lol).

Not feeling especially expressive today, still lost in my thoughts.  More tomorrow ...

Overwhelmed

So my mind is kind of reeling a lot lately, all sorts of things to sort out and it's hard to know what's first. 

I made a decision 14 days ago to choose sobriety over blackouts and numbing myself with booze every day.  Truth be told, it's a decision I've needed to make for years, but it happens when it happens.  I just realized that I've lost a lot of my life - moments, hours, days - to blackouts, and now recently to chemo fog and just the trauma of cancer/surgery/treatment.  I can't get those moments back, and more than ever I now understand just how short life really is. 

So I've attended a few AA meetings, trying to decide if that's the right thing for me or not.  And trying to NOT figure out tomorrow until it gets here ,,, that's a toughy. But with each day sober that passes, I know this is the right place for me to be. 

Then last week I met with my doctor to go over the lab test results from my annual physical, where she pulled all kinds of blood out of me and ran every single panel known to man (or thereabouts).  The cholesterol counts (a deeper dive than the traditional lipids test) and inflammation readings reveal that I'm insulin resistant, a pre-cursor to diabetes.  It means my body can't metabolize the sugars I'm consuming, which are normally converted to fat and burned up.  She assumed I was eating too many carbs, but I don't really eat a lot of carbohydrates, and I do know what they are.  The tests also revealed my liver is really struggling right now, which didn't surprise me.  Without my revealing anything, she asked me what my alcohol consumption was, so we talked a bit about my decision to be sober.  She was very excited to hear that, gave me some supplements to help and suggested I see a counselor.  Not sure about that part just yet, one step at a time for now. 

Lastly, I'm almost done with my 12 month Health Coach program,,, I need to create a Facebook page, update my website, create marketing materials, a payment system, think about marketing and getting paying clients.  But all I can focus on is my sobriety, because I'm entering unchartered territory with 14 days under my belt, and my health & what to do about it.  I just sat here eating about 10 Reeses Miniatures, saying to myself the whole time how bad it was for me and feeling even more overwhelmed.  Good grief.

Tomorrow is another day ... right??

It's a new year

So much has once again happened since that last post. I'm making a renewed commitment to come here every morning to update, fingers crossed.
Shortly after that June '12 post, I had a bowel obstruction and another major surgery, I'm now at 3 since this odyssey began in April '11. Scar tissue from one of my previous surgeries had collected like guitar strings that were wrapped around my small intestine, choking it off. From the time I got into the ER to the time they took me into surgery was just a few hours.  Surgery went really well and I felt much better in post op this time compared to the last two nightmares of pain with docs having to scramble to figure out what was wrong with their pain management strategy.
I spent 7 days in the hospital, intended to be 4, because once again my funny little gut didn't feel like performing as instructed. That surgery and hospital stay set me back quite a bit, both physically and mentally. It's just so hard to feel like you're putting something behind you, finally, only to have to plunge yourself back into it again.  But I got through it.
In the Fall I got to be in New York City for a school conference and meet several schoolmates that I'd so far only talked to online. That was awesome, I really enjoyed it all. Even the night we went to Pure Food, a raw food restaurant, and I threw up everything I'd eaten when I got back to the hotel. :-(.
Shortly after returning home from NYC I left on a 17 day trip to Italy with members of my church, Mile Hi Church of Religious Science. We went to Sorrento for a week then to Rome and finally Florence, or Fiorenze as they say in Italia.  That trip changed a lot of things about my life, but maybe not in the way I expected or people might think.  I enjoyed it, but there were a lot of negatives, or what I perceived at the time as negatives. First I got a bad case of vertigo the first day there and struggled with that the whole trip (dizzy, nauseous, wobbly,etc). Second I've decided I'm really not a group traveler ,,, I'm too independent and need time to myself, going at my own pace.  But what came out of the trip for me was a realization that I can just "be" in my discomfort and resentment, and by being present for myself (because at times I had no other choice like I do at home), I got some clarity around things in my life. I still can't quite articulate it, still processing. But when I left home, I felt very flat emotionally, aimless and so unsure of where to go next or what I'm doing here.  And coming home, a few days later, I realized I didn't feel that any longer. Not that I had all the answers, but for whatever reason, it was ok now. Perhaps it was simply the change of scenery, perhaps it was stepping out of my comfort zone, and possibly it was those and a lot more that I don't yet fully comprehend. And that's ok too. Not knowing can be freeing, letting go of the need to know and sitting in the discomfort ,,, all good stuff.