My birthday

So I turned 52 years old today, and it occurred to me that I am now the age my mother was when her husband, my father, died of metastatic lung cancer.   Twenty years later, my mother died of ovarian cancer at the age of 72.   And today I'm prepping my body for a colonoscopy, as part of being followed after colon cancer 3+ years ago when I was only 48.

Needless to say, I really don't want my eventual exit from this life to look like my parents' - I have every intention of someday dying in my sleep, a very old, very happy lady.  And every thing about my life since my cancer diagnosis has been in pursuit of that kind of end .... a long, long time from now.

A big part of that was to stop drinking.  Part of it has been learning how to eat well for my body.  And a big part of it has been changing my thoughts, my beliefs, my values - Maybe "changing" them isn't the right word, maybe it's more about pulling them all out, re-examining them and just deciding if they're still working for me, or against me.  I think we can do that at any time in our life, but being humans, we tend to not do it until we're pushed up against a wall.  I hope and pray every day that my efforts are not too little too late.  I don't want to live forever, I just want to live until I am done, and I'm nowhere near done.

Happy Birthday to me!  It's been a quiet one for sure, but I am extremely grateful for every minute of it.

Hugs to all!

Letting go of the past - really

I finally feel like I can breathe, and take some time for reflection this week.  Last week I had a lot of energy around my webinair for the Feminine Rising New Moon Retreat, which took place on Saturday.  I think my workshop went well, I feel good about it and have watched the replay twice now.  Each time I do one of these I learn a lot, and each time I feel more confident.  I didn't market it as much as I might have, but I felt a little paralyzed with anxiety for some reason.

So that's behind me now, the next time I do this it won't be my first time, I can modify existing content and don't have to start from a place of unknowing.  That feels good, like a relief.  I would like to do more webinars, and maybe that will, in time, ease my nerves about public speaking.  Maybe.  lol

So my business coach asked her clients to ponder and answer the question of what my 70 year old self would say to us today.  So, here's that answer:
"Have faith that you are right where you are meant to be, doing what you are meant to be doing.  Stay focused on the journey and your part in it, and keep trusting God with the destination.  Forgive yourself and others - in deed, thought & intent.  Trust your instincts, trust your instincts, trust your instincts.  Stay sober, keep growing and keep asking those great questions of yourself and of life.  Once and for all, let go of the past - let it go, there really is nothing there to serve you now.  You are beautiful and smart and powerful and so very worthy.  You ARE enough.  I love you! p.s. - eat the potato chips, it's ok.:-) "

Interesting, when I was writing that and got to the part about letting go of the past, my eyes welled up with tears and I felt this intense wave of emotion hit me.  In that moment, I realized just how much I have been holding on to the past, all of it, not just the parts that hurt.  I could literally feel the past slipping away, fading into the background, like a door slowly closing as I back away from it.  Maybe I needed to hear myself saying that TO myself (in theory) for it to really sink in, or maybe the time is finally right and I am ready to let it go.  I always thought "letting go of the past" meant just releasing the pain, but now I wonder if it doesn't also mean that we are holding on to the good parts, comparing everything now to everything then, seeing it all through rose-colored glasses.  Maybe doing that literally prevents us from being fully present, from seeing all the good that is happening now.

See, these are those "great questions" that I am always asking of myself and of life - I love that I do this, it's part of who I am.  What do you love about yourself?

Note to younger self ...

It's not often that I come across anything profound in a People magazine, but for their 40th Anniversary edition they asked some people to give advice to their younger self.  One in particular stood out and it's from Sharon Stone ... I'd like to share it with you.

"Dear Sharon, your life right now, full of all of its hard times and confusing times and times when you feel like you don't belong, is simply telling you that you are special.  Not just different, but special.  No two people are alike, no matter how much the world tries to blend everyone together and punish those who stand out and apart.  In fact, my darling child, the very things that make you different and apart are your gifts; they are what you will bring to the world.  They are what is the plan for the world, they are the wonder of you.  The shouts and confusion about 'why you just can't be like everybody else' will become the shouts of glory as you stand your ground and be exactly as God made you: just you, an individual in all of your little ways.  Carry that near your heart in your alone times, now and always, and toughen up kid.  These tough times will make you strong enough for what is to come.  I love you.  And God loves you."

I don't know about you, but that really struck a chord in me.  Not only is it gentle, but it's extremely meaningful ... how often do we beat ourselves up and criticize ourselves for not being "just like everyone else", when in fact, that which sets us apart from others IS the gift that we bring the world.  It is our differences, not our need to be the same, that makes us special.  And we are ALL special, as Sharon says "in all of our little ways".    What I also like about this message to a younger self is that it's not full of harshness or meanness, it's loving and it's nurturing.  What a beautiful way to speak to a younger version of ourselves, who still lives inside of us, and is most likely still looking for acceptance and love.   We can give ourselves, all of our selves, past & present, that love and acceptance we are/were looking for, which most human beings are looking for.  And I think by doing so, we can heal those broken places inside us so that we can move into tomorrow without all that baggage weighing us down, doing any further damage to our lives and those we share it with.

Just my thoughts for today, thanks for listening. Hugs

Pivotal moment

I wanted to share something that happened a week or so ago, a moment which the farther I get away from, the more pivotal I can see it really was.

Recently, I took an equine guided vision journey with my amazing business coach.  She lives in a mountain town on a gorgeous piece of land with her family, other assorted animals and these four beautiful, amazing horses.  One of the horses, Destiny, reached out and touched my heart the minute I saw her.  She was all white and so beautiful, soulful eyes and an attentive, watchful, intuitive nature about her.  She was one of two mares but definitely the lady in charge ... I loved watching her correct then nurture the other horses, and us humans too.  :-)

On the second of our two-day weekend retreat, we took turns in the round pen, pondering a question ... something we each wanted answered for ourselves, something that was relative to where we are in our lifes journey.  The horses were allowed to come into the pen if they chose to during my session, and I was elated that they all four chose to be with me.  I shared that since my cancer journey 3+ years ago, I have been struggling to get back my joy, my excitement over life, the feeling of being fully alive and exhileration over being here.  Tears and then sobs came, as I allowed myself to feel those feelings of being lost, confused about life and what comes next, the struggle to find my place once again in this world.  All the horses really showed up for me, but Destiny especially surrounded me with her protective body and energy, she stayed very close to me, letting me encircle her neck with my arms and just lean onto her body, showing me her heart space repeatedly.

At one point, I was asked to step out of the round pen, seeing it as a symbolic stepping out of my comfort zone, being willing to just do that much.  It took me a minute or two to summon up my courage, and I sobbed all over again ... it felt so much deeper than just what it was, it felt very symbolic to me.  As I moved forward finally, I could feel Destiny right behind me, touching but not really pushing, just letting me know I wasn't alone.  She stayed right behind me the whole time, and when I finally felt like I could go back in, she blocked the gate with her body, as if to say "just stay here for a while, become comfortable in your discomfort, it's ok, I'm here".  We all laughed at that - laughter through tears is such a beautiful feeling.  My coach knew the depth of my emotions, and she asked me how that felt, and did I see and feel the symbolism taking place there.  I did ... believe me, I did.  And that feeling of knowing that it's going to be ok if I take chances, risks and face some of my discomforting fears, knowing that I will have support and that I won't be alone, has stayed with me, in a very profound way.  It started a huge shift for me, one that has continued since then.  I think constantly of that moment, that horse and what happened when I was willing to just take a step forward, with no control over an outcome ... life showed up in the form of beautiful Destiny.  I hold that feeling like a precious butterfly that has landed on me, gracing me with it's strength and beauty, filling my heart with love and a deep knowing that I'm safe, even when I'm willing to feel unsafe.

Filled with gratitude for what I am learning, what life and God is showing me, and all the beautiful teachers He is surrounding me with.

Hugs and much love to all,
Allita

It's a process

I am FINALLY feeling like myself after having that cold/virus for what felt like forever, and it was definitely with me for about two weeks.  Last nagging complaint was a sore throat, but after seeing my healing touch practitioner yesterday, that is now gone too.  Bonus!

I noticed after I posted the last time, and was talking about feeling overwhelmed again after having said that I don't feel that way anymore, that it's a process.  It comes and it goes.  I can honestly say that I am feeling less and less overwhelmed as time goes on, but there are still times when it just seems like every single thing in my life right now is pure effort,  where things don't have that "easy and light" feel to them.  

Something I've been struggling with for some time now is trying to recapture that feeling of excitement about life, just life in general.  I had it once, before cancer, but since then it's been missing and nothing I seem to do brings in back.  I faked it for a while with booze, but now with that gone too, it's been really tough.  It's like cancer took something away from me, something that made me, well ... me.  My whole life, I would periodically just get this giddy, happy, joyful, excited-about-life feeling, out of nowhere, and for no particular reason.  It made tough days bearable and good days, gooder.  :-)  It's been hard to feel motivated to keep going, to find something worth staying here for.  I don't mean I have thoughts of suicide, because I never have, not once, ever.  What I mean is a sort of apathy has set in, and drinking it away didn't help, shopping it away didn't help, traveling it away didn't help ... only thing I didn't try was men, but I know that won't help.

But it's starting to shift, and THAT is a process.  It shifted a little bit the weekend I played with the horses, and it shifted a bit when I was at the ocean in California last weekend.  And it shifted a little bit with my healing touch practitioner earlier this week.  It is shifting a little bit every day, but it isn't happening by osmosis.  I have to be willing to be scared, to risk, to feel uncertain and to feel alone ... I'm looking for a feeling of being fully alive, immersed in life and exhilerated to be alive.  That won't happen by staying "safe" and sheltered, by staying stuck and not moving forward.  Yes, I had cancer - But I have to remind myself I AM ALIVE, I SURVIVED.  And I also have to remember this: That's what was, not what is ... it's over now, that's all over now.  It changed me profoundly, for the better I believe, and for that I'm grateful.  Sometimes it's hard to move beyond something traumatic that happened to us, but it is worth putting in the effort to do just that.

I'm finally ready to get a tattoo will have meaning for me.  On my right wrist i'm getting a small caterpillar, then a blue semi colon next to it, then a butterfly next to that.  Signifying what I was, what happened (semi colon because that's literally what I have and because it denotes a pause, not an end, and blue for colon cancer) and what I am now - a beautiful butterfly.  Now I just need to find the right artist who can see my vision.  :-)

Hugs and blessings to all!