I noticed after I posted the last time, and was talking about feeling overwhelmed again after having said that I don't feel that way anymore, that it's a process. It comes and it goes. I can honestly say that I am feeling less and less overwhelmed as time goes on, but there are still times when it just seems like every single thing in my life right now is pure effort, where things don't have that "easy and light" feel to them.
Something I've been struggling with for some time now is trying to recapture that feeling of excitement about life, just life in general. I had it once, before cancer, but since then it's been missing and nothing I seem to do brings in back. I faked it for a while with booze, but now with that gone too, it's been really tough. It's like cancer took something away from me, something that made me, well ... me. My whole life, I would periodically just get this giddy, happy, joyful, excited-about-life feeling, out of nowhere, and for no particular reason. It made tough days bearable and good days, gooder. :-) It's been hard to feel motivated to keep going, to find something worth staying here for. I don't mean I have thoughts of suicide, because I never have, not once, ever. What I mean is a sort of apathy has set in, and drinking it away didn't help, shopping it away didn't help, traveling it away didn't help ... only thing I didn't try was men, but I know that won't help.
But it's starting to shift, and THAT is a process. It shifted a little bit the weekend I played with the horses, and it shifted a bit when I was at the ocean in California last weekend. And it shifted a little bit with my healing touch practitioner earlier this week. It is shifting a little bit every day, but it isn't happening by osmosis. I have to be willing to be scared, to risk, to feel uncertain and to feel alone ... I'm looking for a feeling of being fully alive, immersed in life and exhilerated to be alive. That won't happen by staying "safe" and sheltered, by staying stuck and not moving forward. Yes, I had cancer - But I have to remind myself I AM ALIVE, I SURVIVED. And I also have to remember this: That's what was, not what is ... it's over now, that's all over now. It changed me profoundly, for the better I believe, and for that I'm grateful. Sometimes it's hard to move beyond something traumatic that happened to us, but it is worth putting in the effort to do just that.
I'm finally ready to get a tattoo will have meaning for me. On my right wrist i'm getting a small caterpillar, then a blue semi colon next to it, then a butterfly next to that. Signifying what I was, what happened (semi colon because that's literally what I have and because it denotes a pause, not an end, and blue for colon cancer) and what I am now - a beautiful butterfly. Now I just need to find the right artist who can see my vision. :-)
Hugs and blessings to all!
But it's starting to shift, and THAT is a process. It shifted a little bit the weekend I played with the horses, and it shifted a bit when I was at the ocean in California last weekend. And it shifted a little bit with my healing touch practitioner earlier this week. It is shifting a little bit every day, but it isn't happening by osmosis. I have to be willing to be scared, to risk, to feel uncertain and to feel alone ... I'm looking for a feeling of being fully alive, immersed in life and exhilerated to be alive. That won't happen by staying "safe" and sheltered, by staying stuck and not moving forward. Yes, I had cancer - But I have to remind myself I AM ALIVE, I SURVIVED. And I also have to remember this: That's what was, not what is ... it's over now, that's all over now. It changed me profoundly, for the better I believe, and for that I'm grateful. Sometimes it's hard to move beyond something traumatic that happened to us, but it is worth putting in the effort to do just that.
I'm finally ready to get a tattoo will have meaning for me. On my right wrist i'm getting a small caterpillar, then a blue semi colon next to it, then a butterfly next to that. Signifying what I was, what happened (semi colon because that's literally what I have and because it denotes a pause, not an end, and blue for colon cancer) and what I am now - a beautiful butterfly. Now I just need to find the right artist who can see my vision. :-)
Hugs and blessings to all!
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