Gratitude

Today I am so full of gratitude for a huge list of things.

I'm grateful for all the love I have ever received, and all the love I reached for but didn't receive, and all the love I will receive in the future.

I'm grateful for all the people in my life now, the people no longer in my life and the people who will come into my life in the future.

I'm grateful for the friendships I enjoy now, the ones which were once bright but are now fading away and the ones still to develop and grow.

I am grateful for the service I have done to date, that which I will do in the future and all the missed chances for service that I later regretted, as I know those regrets serve me as well.

And I am grateful for the love I will give, have given and never got to give.  For the lives I was able to be part of, the friend that I have been and the friend I never got to be, and all the service that was done on my behalf.

I'm grateful for all the animals who have blessed me with their love.  I'm grateful for all the homes that have sheltered me, and especially for the one I have now.

Theres a lot more, but these are the biggies.  Sometimes I get caught up in what I don't have and lose sight of all that I have to be grateful for.

Changes ...

I wish getting sober was just a matter of not drinking ... it's not just that, it's so much more.  It is the biggest change I have ever been through or ever will go through.  And it is a very isolating feeling when people you once thought knew you and loved you, can't see/don't care how big this is.  After 18 months of being in recovery, I can see why alcoholics hang out with other alcoholics ,,, there's an ease there that can be hard to find with others.

First of all, to those of you who can take or leave that next drink, who once you've had one there's no triggered craving for more, and more, and more still,  I envy you.  That's not what happens when alcohol hits my blood, and at times I wish you could know how this feels.  I wish I knew how it felt to be you too.  

But the craving for more once I take a drink isn't all there is to it ... in fact I don't crave the drink anymore at all.  But what happens once I take away that coping mechanism, that way of numbing, celebrating, socializing  - is that I have to find new ways of doing those things, feeling those emotions.  I have to actually FEEL my feelings, unfiltered and honest, which might sound odd to those of you who never felt your emotions (good AND bad) through a filter of alcohol.  But I rarely, if ever, processed things that way before, so I'm having to learn how now.  It's not always fun or easy,  and it's brand new to me, so I am still learning and not always doing it "right".   And accepting myself for just who I am, no longer believing that alcohol turns me into the more fun, more social or sexier version of me - well, this is also new and at times a bit uncomfortable. 

I'm 51 years old,  and when I peer back through the years of my life, it's somewhat hazy and vague.  Some memories are clear and sharp, many are not.   The reason for that is, quite simply, I have blacked out to some degree every single time I've drank alcohol.  A blackout is nothing more, or less, than a complete memory loss.  Whether its the loss of an hour or several hours, the loss is complete and it never returns - it's like a blank space in my mind. Add up 34+ years of that, and you have an idea of what my mind feels like.  It is hard to accept sometimes, but acceptance is all there is now.  That too is often uncomfortable, but there's also peace in no longer denying what I know to be true. 

And I thought the mental image of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly fit the changes I went through as I recovered from cancer treatment.  I can safely say that metamorphosis didn't even compare to the one I'm going through as I recover from a lifetime of pain & self-deception, aka alcoholism.  

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Amen.  

Entitlement

So I just have to share my observation ,,, at the bottom of the highway offramp I take to get home, there are always people asking for monetary assistance.  I drive a nice car, which is paid for and I bought it used ,,, nevertheless, when some people see my car approaching, they stand there with their sign, staring at me.  As if to say "you have a nice car, you must have money, please give me some", which I sometimes do, without judgement or criticism.  But when I get these looks, as I did today, like "you should be ashamed you didn't give me money", it gets on my nerves.  And this look from a man who doesn't look disabled in any way, had on new-looking, well-fitting, clean clothes, good shoes, nice sunglasses, etc.  What the hell??!!

Fabulous Friday!

It's Friday once again, which is fabulous in and of itself, still after all these years.  Friday has always been my very favorite day, and even though I'm not currently doing the M-F 9-5 gig, it still is.  I get kind of giddy when I wake up and realize what day it is.  Love that.

Posting this from my patio, pictured here:

I think I've spoken ad-nauseum about my patio before, so I'll spare you that again today, just wanted you to see it.  :-)

Been an interesting week.  The man I went on a date with that was awesome, followed that up with a date that was not awesome at all, ending it by telling me he really just wants to be "friends".  Came out of left field, wasn't expecting that and it bruised my ego a bit.  It also made me feel awkward, mostly because I'm sober, I am striving to be honest & authentic, which I have little-no experience with.  In truth, I don't think it would have gone much of anywhere as we have very different values ... mine being more of a spiritual/democrat/scorpio kind and his being a very christian/republican/taurus kind.  Not a match made in heaven for sure.  But we had one really lovely evening so I'm just going to fondly remember that and keep moving forward.

My book, In Pursuit of the Divine: Written Stories to Empower a Woman's Soul hit #1 in the Happiness category on Amazon earlier this week, which is very exciting!!!  Several friends have received their copy and have been touched by one, if not many, stories in there so that is also very exciting and rewarding to hear.

Fear is creeping in again a little bit, around whether my money will last until I get some kind of business up and running.  I don't think it's a realistic fear, but I seem to be spending money like it's water right now.  Not wasting, spending ,,, that's important for me to remember and remind myself of.  I also go through this little script in my head, telling myself that I've always had every single thing I need, there's no reason to believe God brought me this far to abandon me now.  It helps, most of the time.  Being really present to the moment I'm in also helps, and not comparing my life to anyone else's life.

I am beginning to get really excited about my upcoming trip to Salt Lake City.  I'll get to see some of my dear friends, learn a lot more about using essential oils, and I'm getting to meet face to face with the woman who has written several books on hormones and using the oils.  My hope is that she can help guide me towards a path of endocrine health using the oils exclusively.  I've been heading in that direction for some time now, but still holding onto more traditional ways and I think the Universe is trying to shift my focus.

Guess I better go hop in the shower - kind of loath to leave this calm, peaceful space, it's so quiet right now, I love it.  Happy Friday peeps! <3

I Feel So Alone

This is a poem I wrote a couple of years ago, post-cancer but before sobriety.  I was obviously feeling so lost, but somehow also knowing that a bigger purpose was unfolding.  I'm finding it still resonates to some degree with where I am today, although I don't feel nearly as lost, "aimless and adrift".

I Feel So Alone

I feel so alone, but am I?

Spinning, drowning, aimless and adrift 

No sense of purpose, but is that the gift?

Who I once was, is she no longer here?

Can I accept what is now, walk through this fear?

At times my life feels empty,

And so riddled with doubt 

This new me…

I don't know, what is she all about?

All alone in my head

My soul cries out for reasons

All the questions, never ending,

Like what my purpose for being is. 

Faith, I have plenty

A bigger plan I know is in store 

I don't regret what's been asked,

But must there always be more? 

A purpose and direction are what I now seek, 

A new compass, a focus, 

To feel my heart wildly beat

My soul, my spirit,

Am I them, are they me?

I feel so alone, but am I...truly?

I'm a published author!

Well peeps, as of this past Friday I am the co-author of an International Best Seller.  I don't truly know what means lol, but it sure sounds good and I'm extremely proud.   I'll post the link to the book on Amazon at the bottom.

It's been a pretty tumultuous, busy and eventful week.  Still grieving over, and missing, Milo.  But I have to say that, for the most part, my sadness has been replaced by a profound sense of gratitude for the love & strength he brought to my life during an extremely difficult time.  I also know that his leaving means more is coming, and that I'm ready for it, so there's some excited anticipation going on inside me as well.   I don't know what will come from our anthology being released but at the very least it is propelling me into action, and through the other side of my immediate comfort zone.  And while it's a little scary, it's also empowering to feel my life moving forward.

Another fun thing that happened this past week is I went on a date Friday night.  He was, is, a complete gentleman in every way, and it was a perfect, lovely evening.  We had a great conversation, I felt completely safe and for once in my life I am letting God run the show & guide me.  I'm looking forward to knowing him better, and actually letting myself be known better too.  That's a first, and another thing that is a little scary.  But it feels right to just let it happen, and not try to plan or predict it.  God is surely working in my life and I have every intention of letting it continue -  I'm so grateful.

Had my first session this past week with my life coach, and I am more glad than ever that I decided to do this.  She's such a blessing in my life, and our time together is more forward movement - feels really good, finally.  Just the thought of forward movement felt so scary and overwhelming for so long.

Here's the cover art for our book:

Isn't that a great photo?

Here's the link to ordering the book on Amazon:http://amzn.to/1hBiG5f

Thanks for listening.

Life post-Milo

It's almost impossible to believe, but as of today Milo has been gone for a week.  In some ways it feels longer and in others, it feels like yesterday.  I can walk into my home now without wanting to burst into tears.  I can look at the spot where his bed was in my bedroom and not feel pain.  I removed it, along with his food & water bowls the day he passed.  It was just too painful to see it, wishing he was in it.

What I know for sure at this point is:

• Milo was an angel in dog form sent to me by God to watch over me, love me and get me through my cancer & sobriety journey
• There was something very, very special about the love we shared and I will be grateful for that for the rest of my life. 
• I feel like a very special person has left my life. 
• I wish I could carry a sign that says "I'm hurting" so everyone would walk & talk softly around me.  
• Knowing what grief feels like, I know I'm smack dab in it.  I'm irritable, fatigued, wanting to just be alone and yet craving the comfort of anothers presence. 
• I hate the word "doggie" with a passion
• I'm going to just ignore those people who think I should just "take a whole day to grieve, then keep moving forward".  Grief doesn't actually work that way. 
• Milo was sent here for a finite period of time, until I was ready to stand on my own.  His being taken means, I believe, that God knows I'm now ready to do just that. 
• I miss him something awful.  I miss hugging him, I miss the way we used to press our foreheads together, the way he moaned in pleasure when I was loving on him, and the frisky little way he'd stare at me when he was hungry or wanted to go for a walk.  
• He has left a huge empty place in my life, and I think I'm ready for a real man to fill that spot. 

More later, I'm exhausted.  My book, In Pursuit of the Divine: Written Stories to Empower a Woman's Soul is being released tomorrow and I have a few things to do for that tonight.  I am about to be a published author, can't even believe it.  It feels surreal, in an amazingly good way! 

Love & Hugs

Letter to Milo

Dear Milo,

I still have such a hard time believing you're really gone.  I'm sorry it's taken me a few days to be able to write this, but every time I think about you I tend to start sobbing, and I know you wouldn't want me being sad.

My sweet boy, I want you to know how very much I loved you and what a huge difference you made in my life.  I still remember the day you picked me at the dog shelter 4 years ago ,,, I wasn't seeing you at first, but you just kept persistently barking at me, trying to get my attention.  And the funny thing is, since then, you've only barked a small handful of times.  And when Bella gave you a sniff and had no strong reaction to you, I knew we were good.  You jumped up in the back of the car and sat on the back seat just like the gentleman you were, you never moved and you never laid down, ever.  You always rode in the car just like that, looking around you, keeping an eye on me and letting me know you were right there with me.

We had some rocky moments over the years my boy, especially with your sister Bella.  I'm truly so sorry she was so mean to you, but you never punished her for it, you never got mean in return.  You forgave her, even when she tore your ear and we had to rush to the ER.  Your response to her was always, always, more compassion and more patience, albeit a little cautious and wary.  You taught me so much about forgiveness, in fact most of what I know about forgiveness I learned from watching you.

What I miss most about you Milo is your eyes, the way you would look deep into my soul with those eyes.  And you let me see into yours, and all I saw there was endless love, endless endless love.  You didn't leave me when I needed you most, even though the vet told me you only had 3 months to live.  You were determined to stay and see me through, and that you did.   I believe that you were an Angel, sent for that finite period of time, to teach me and to love me.  I learned so many lessons about just "being" from you .... all the times we'd go for a walk, me with the destination in mind but you were all about the journey, slowing down and enjoying it.  You'd plant your legs with your head down, and it was apparent we were NOT moving, and then you'd just lay down right there, on the lawn, in the shade and look at me with those eyes as if to say "chill out mom, enjoy this moment, there'll never be another one like this".  And I realized you were so right, I was so busy "going", getting to the destination, that I lost sight of the beauty along the way.  And I've applied that lesson you taught me, with those beautiful eyes of yours, to so many areas of my life.

So right now, I'm sitting here on our back patio, I've been throwing the ball for Bella, you know how she is.  It's a beautiful, sunny Spring day, and I'm picturing you laying right under my feet or beside me, eventually going to lay in the big hole in the lawn that you continued digging deeper to get to the cool dirt down below.  You loved that hole, and I just left it for you all these years.  I filled it in the day you died, couldn't stand looking at it, it just reminded me of you and I wanted you back.  The minute you were gone on Thursday, I just wanted you back.  I wandered the house after Dr. Ann took you away, crying, I just wanted to see you again, I wanted you to not be gone from me.  I set you free because you needed to go, and I owed you that at the very least.  You loved me so completely, without any conditions, demands or expectations, and as hard as it was to let you go when I did, I knew it was what you would do for me if our situations were reversed.  You taught me that too sweet angel, you taught me what unselfish love looks and feels like, and I will never forget the gift you gave me, the gift you were to me.

I'll have more to say to you later, but for now know that I miss you so very, very much.  But I see you playing, running and being free, spreading your beautiful heart everywhere you go.  And I feel your presence, your love and your strength here with me, and I will keep that part of you with me forever.  You were an Angel sent to me, and now you're with the Angels once again ... that's as it should be.  I love you Milo, my Miracle Milo, and I will never, ever forget you.  Be at peace sweet boy.  Love, mom