Sometimes I just wonder if I'm taking all this down time to heal, or am I just hiding, avoiding? I can't not work forever, and I do want to get back into the world at some point. Or do I? That's the question that plagues me sometimes ,,, is it so nice to just have my freedom and do whatever I want all day that I'm becoming lazy? Am I going to be able to pull off this "starting my own new business" thing? And why am I doing absolutely nothing about it yet?
The truth is I've done nothing BUT work since I was 16, and sometimes I like to think that maybe THIS is my retirement. I mean, the whole concept of working your ass off until you reach a certain age, with no idea anymore of how to enjoy life, seems outdated. So maybe I'm taking mine now, if I survive another cancer recurrence, I can see myself working well into my 70's. The whole concept of "working" isn't what it used to be either.
Most of the time my faith/my inner wisdom assures me that I'm in the right place, doing exactly what I need to be doing. That's the difference between fear and faith ,,, the former wants me to feel insecure and full of doubt. The latter is about trusting my instincts, believing in what I can't see and knowing my own self worth, that if God can put the vision of greatness in my head & heart then He intends to lead me to it. Faith is huge, it's everything, and it's quite frankly pretty new to me. Trusting in what you can't see, but knowing you're worth the most, the best, the biggest and then letting go, not controlling it. That takes a lot of courage ,,, but I've survived cancer, ran a marathon, chosen to get sober AND remain single until I find the one right person I'm meant to be with. Honestly, I think I've got the courage thing figured out.
I still question myself sometimes though, and maybe that's healthy.
My journey into a healthier and more passion-filled life after cancer, menopause & alcoholism.
Metamorphosis
Welcome!
I started this blog in 2010 as I began the process of figuring out how to have a more passion-filled life, leaving my corporate job in search of something more fulfilling. It felt like a giant push on my life's restart button and I wanted to share my journey. The road on that journey has taken a few unforeseen twists and turns, first colon cancer then recovering from alcoholism. The journey continues, I hope you'll join me from time to time as I share my travels to that passion-filled life that still calls to me.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Metamorphosis
I seriously thought writing would be a good idea after eating a bunch of cookies, all that sugar in my blood stream? Probably not my best idea ever lol.
My post title is so appropriate ,,, in my whole life I don't think I've gone through as many changes as in these last few years. Not just changes, like a new hairstyle or career path, but a true metamorphosis, becoming something, or someone, other than who I was at birth. Yes I know, sounds a little deep, even dramatic, perish the thought. I'm just a reader of my own story, just a participant in this thing called my life, I'm in it and observing it at the same time.
I feel so outside of my self, and crazy, as I continue stepping through my sobriety. Half the time I don't even know who I am, the other half I'm still trying to fit this new me into my old life, which doesn't work very well. I was so full of anger and grief, masquerading as anger, yesterday. Been a long time since I had felt that many crazy, intense, conflicting emotions without drinking, a little or a lot. I've spent a lot of years stuffing emotions down, way down, and then covering with drink. So now, things are happening, old feelings are coming back up, and for the first time in my life I'm just feeling, just processing, just being. Right now, today I can honestly say that numbing was easier, even preferable. And while I understand I'm just starting the process of knowing myself, my sober self, I truly hope in another 90 days it won't be this hard.
My post title is so appropriate ,,, in my whole life I don't think I've gone through as many changes as in these last few years. Not just changes, like a new hairstyle or career path, but a true metamorphosis, becoming something, or someone, other than who I was at birth. Yes I know, sounds a little deep, even dramatic, perish the thought. I'm just a reader of my own story, just a participant in this thing called my life, I'm in it and observing it at the same time.
I feel so outside of my self, and crazy, as I continue stepping through my sobriety. Half the time I don't even know who I am, the other half I'm still trying to fit this new me into my old life, which doesn't work very well. I was so full of anger and grief, masquerading as anger, yesterday. Been a long time since I had felt that many crazy, intense, conflicting emotions without drinking, a little or a lot. I've spent a lot of years stuffing emotions down, way down, and then covering with drink. So now, things are happening, old feelings are coming back up, and for the first time in my life I'm just feeling, just processing, just being. Right now, today I can honestly say that numbing was easier, even preferable. And while I understand I'm just starting the process of knowing myself, my sober self, I truly hope in another 90 days it won't be this hard.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Changes
So I just returned from a trip to New York City last night, a day early. For the first time in my life, and I still haven't sorted through this, I wasn't enjoying being gone. There was no customary excitement, the thought of meals in new restaurants, shopping, seeing new people and familiar sights ,,, it was all vacant. All that was there was an intense longing to be back home again. I'll start at the beginning.
This trip was to celebrate my "graduation" from, or completion of, a 12 month health coach program at The Institute for Integrative Nutrition in NYC. This was an alumni conference, and some of the friends I've made online, and met last time I was in NY last September, were going to be there. I had registered for the conference some months ago, made travel plans (somewhat slowly and reluctantly I must admit), and told everyone I was going. At the same time, I've been feeling like I might have another bowel obstruction (would be my third one since my original colon cancer surgery in April '11) and had just been in the ER two days before I left for NY. So needless to say, things were a little precarious. But I got the all clear from my doctors and thought "why not go?", although I was still feeling reluctant.
The travel itself was nice and smooth ,,, got on first class outbound, had a private car meet me at the airport, the hotel was great and the weather was decent. Nothing wrong so far right? Went to an AA meeting that night, met some really nice people who were warm and welcoming. So far so good. Walked back to my hotel, lovely evening ( a bit chilly and windy, but overall bearable), great people watching and found a cute little Italian place where I had some yummy soup, club soda in a wine glass and a fabulous apple tart for desert. Felt good to be finding alternatives for drinking like I usually do, especially when I'm out of town, but it also felt incredibly odd, like I was outside myself. Slept pretty well that night, got up and headed across the street to my conference.
Conference was fine, although I realized nothing was really "settling" on me, or sinking in, having meaning. Met and saw some of my fellow IIN student friends, people I've chatted with for months and gotten to know a little on Facebook. All fine. In an effort to conceal what I see as my physical flaws right now due to weight, I wore clothes that were so restrictive, I was fussing with myself constantly, which just further made things feel, odd. I wasn't comfortable in my skin, and that felt both physical and mental in that moment. I left the conference early, saying I didn't feel well, which was partly true, I just didn't specify why. Decided that evening that I really didn't want to stay, and I made plans to come home the next day, Sunday, instead of on Monday as planned. Everything came together to get me home, just like everything had come together to get me there, and would have been fine to stay except I didn't want to.
The relief I felt in being home last night was so intense, I've never felt anything quite like it before. Went to an AA meeting today and shared about my trip, how odd it felt to not drink and not knowing what to do with myself if drinking wasn't an option. So many people understood, and I think threw their feedback I am beginning to understand it's normal to feel that way right now, that it will pass over time, and this might have been too soon to travel and expect that it would be anything BUT odd, and uncomfortable.
The key is, I didn't drink. And I took care of myself by doing what I needed to get home. And once home, I went to a meeting and shared. So I'm feeling happy about all of that, and the only thing I'm not thrilled with is how much money I spent getting home early. But all in all, more positives than negatives. Lesson learned ,,, stop pushing myself, stop thinking I need to make others happy at my own expense or live up to anyone's expectations but mine, especially right now. Giving myself some love today. :-)
This trip was to celebrate my "graduation" from, or completion of, a 12 month health coach program at The Institute for Integrative Nutrition in NYC. This was an alumni conference, and some of the friends I've made online, and met last time I was in NY last September, were going to be there. I had registered for the conference some months ago, made travel plans (somewhat slowly and reluctantly I must admit), and told everyone I was going. At the same time, I've been feeling like I might have another bowel obstruction (would be my third one since my original colon cancer surgery in April '11) and had just been in the ER two days before I left for NY. So needless to say, things were a little precarious. But I got the all clear from my doctors and thought "why not go?", although I was still feeling reluctant.
The travel itself was nice and smooth ,,, got on first class outbound, had a private car meet me at the airport, the hotel was great and the weather was decent. Nothing wrong so far right? Went to an AA meeting that night, met some really nice people who were warm and welcoming. So far so good. Walked back to my hotel, lovely evening ( a bit chilly and windy, but overall bearable), great people watching and found a cute little Italian place where I had some yummy soup, club soda in a wine glass and a fabulous apple tart for desert. Felt good to be finding alternatives for drinking like I usually do, especially when I'm out of town, but it also felt incredibly odd, like I was outside myself. Slept pretty well that night, got up and headed across the street to my conference.
Conference was fine, although I realized nothing was really "settling" on me, or sinking in, having meaning. Met and saw some of my fellow IIN student friends, people I've chatted with for months and gotten to know a little on Facebook. All fine. In an effort to conceal what I see as my physical flaws right now due to weight, I wore clothes that were so restrictive, I was fussing with myself constantly, which just further made things feel, odd. I wasn't comfortable in my skin, and that felt both physical and mental in that moment. I left the conference early, saying I didn't feel well, which was partly true, I just didn't specify why. Decided that evening that I really didn't want to stay, and I made plans to come home the next day, Sunday, instead of on Monday as planned. Everything came together to get me home, just like everything had come together to get me there, and would have been fine to stay except I didn't want to.
The relief I felt in being home last night was so intense, I've never felt anything quite like it before. Went to an AA meeting today and shared about my trip, how odd it felt to not drink and not knowing what to do with myself if drinking wasn't an option. So many people understood, and I think threw their feedback I am beginning to understand it's normal to feel that way right now, that it will pass over time, and this might have been too soon to travel and expect that it would be anything BUT odd, and uncomfortable.
The key is, I didn't drink. And I took care of myself by doing what I needed to get home. And once home, I went to a meeting and shared. So I'm feeling happy about all of that, and the only thing I'm not thrilled with is how much money I spent getting home early. But all in all, more positives than negatives. Lesson learned ,,, stop pushing myself, stop thinking I need to make others happy at my own expense or live up to anyone's expectations but mine, especially right now. Giving myself some love today. :-)
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