Changes ...

I wish getting sober was just a matter of not drinking ... it's not just that, it's so much more.  It is the biggest change I have ever been through or ever will go through.  And it is a very isolating feeling when people you once thought knew you and loved you, can't see/don't care how big this is.  After 18 months of being in recovery, I can see why alcoholics hang out with other alcoholics ,,, there's an ease there that can be hard to find with others.

First of all, to those of you who can take or leave that next drink, who once you've had one there's no triggered craving for more, and more, and more still,  I envy you.  That's not what happens when alcohol hits my blood, and at times I wish you could know how this feels.  I wish I knew how it felt to be you too.  

But the craving for more once I take a drink isn't all there is to it ... in fact I don't crave the drink anymore at all.  But what happens once I take away that coping mechanism, that way of numbing, celebrating, socializing  - is that I have to find new ways of doing those things, feeling those emotions.  I have to actually FEEL my feelings, unfiltered and honest, which might sound odd to those of you who never felt your emotions (good AND bad) through a filter of alcohol.  But I rarely, if ever, processed things that way before, so I'm having to learn how now.  It's not always fun or easy,  and it's brand new to me, so I am still learning and not always doing it "right".   And accepting myself for just who I am, no longer believing that alcohol turns me into the more fun, more social or sexier version of me - well, this is also new and at times a bit uncomfortable. 

I'm 51 years old,  and when I peer back through the years of my life, it's somewhat hazy and vague.  Some memories are clear and sharp, many are not.   The reason for that is, quite simply, I have blacked out to some degree every single time I've drank alcohol.  A blackout is nothing more, or less, than a complete memory loss.  Whether its the loss of an hour or several hours, the loss is complete and it never returns - it's like a blank space in my mind. Add up 34+ years of that, and you have an idea of what my mind feels like.  It is hard to accept sometimes, but acceptance is all there is now.  That too is often uncomfortable, but there's also peace in no longer denying what I know to be true. 

And I thought the mental image of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly fit the changes I went through as I recovered from cancer treatment.  I can safely say that metamorphosis didn't even compare to the one I'm going through as I recover from a lifetime of pain & self-deception, aka alcoholism.  

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Amen.