Letter to Milo

Dear Milo,

I still have such a hard time believing you're really gone.  I'm sorry it's taken me a few days to be able to write this, but every time I think about you I tend to start sobbing, and I know you wouldn't want me being sad.

My sweet boy, I want you to know how very much I loved you and what a huge difference you made in my life.  I still remember the day you picked me at the dog shelter 4 years ago ,,, I wasn't seeing you at first, but you just kept persistently barking at me, trying to get my attention.  And the funny thing is, since then, you've only barked a small handful of times.  And when Bella gave you a sniff and had no strong reaction to you, I knew we were good.  You jumped up in the back of the car and sat on the back seat just like the gentleman you were, you never moved and you never laid down, ever.  You always rode in the car just like that, looking around you, keeping an eye on me and letting me know you were right there with me.

We had some rocky moments over the years my boy, especially with your sister Bella.  I'm truly so sorry she was so mean to you, but you never punished her for it, you never got mean in return.  You forgave her, even when she tore your ear and we had to rush to the ER.  Your response to her was always, always, more compassion and more patience, albeit a little cautious and wary.  You taught me so much about forgiveness, in fact most of what I know about forgiveness I learned from watching you.

What I miss most about you Milo is your eyes, the way you would look deep into my soul with those eyes.  And you let me see into yours, and all I saw there was endless love, endless endless love.  You didn't leave me when I needed you most, even though the vet told me you only had 3 months to live.  You were determined to stay and see me through, and that you did.   I believe that you were an Angel, sent for that finite period of time, to teach me and to love me.  I learned so many lessons about just "being" from you .... all the times we'd go for a walk, me with the destination in mind but you were all about the journey, slowing down and enjoying it.  You'd plant your legs with your head down, and it was apparent we were NOT moving, and then you'd just lay down right there, on the lawn, in the shade and look at me with those eyes as if to say "chill out mom, enjoy this moment, there'll never be another one like this".  And I realized you were so right, I was so busy "going", getting to the destination, that I lost sight of the beauty along the way.  And I've applied that lesson you taught me, with those beautiful eyes of yours, to so many areas of my life.

So right now, I'm sitting here on our back patio, I've been throwing the ball for Bella, you know how she is.  It's a beautiful, sunny Spring day, and I'm picturing you laying right under my feet or beside me, eventually going to lay in the big hole in the lawn that you continued digging deeper to get to the cool dirt down below.  You loved that hole, and I just left it for you all these years.  I filled it in the day you died, couldn't stand looking at it, it just reminded me of you and I wanted you back.  The minute you were gone on Thursday, I just wanted you back.  I wandered the house after Dr. Ann took you away, crying, I just wanted to see you again, I wanted you to not be gone from me.  I set you free because you needed to go, and I owed you that at the very least.  You loved me so completely, without any conditions, demands or expectations, and as hard as it was to let you go when I did, I knew it was what you would do for me if our situations were reversed.  You taught me that too sweet angel, you taught me what unselfish love looks and feels like, and I will never forget the gift you gave me, the gift you were to me.

I'll have more to say to you later, but for now know that I miss you so very, very much.  But I see you playing, running and being free, spreading your beautiful heart everywhere you go.  And I feel your presence, your love and your strength here with me, and I will keep that part of you with me forever.  You were an Angel sent to me, and now you're with the Angels once again ... that's as it should be.  I love you Milo, my Miracle Milo, and I will never, ever forget you.  Be at peace sweet boy.  Love, mom