Time alone

I was laying in the bathtub this morning just reflecting back on what a nice holiday weekend this has been so far, every minute of it.

For starters I spent Thanksgiving day alone at home with Bella doing just what we wanted to do and nothing more.  I slept in, which I rarely let myself do anymore, and it felt fabulous  - to me it did, to Bella I think it was an exercise in extreme patience as she lay starting at me waiting for my eyes to open and my hands to come out from under the covers.  ;-)   We went for a nice long walk, it was in the 60's and sunny ... Colorado in all of it's gorgeousness.  Eventually I started preparations for my dinner, which was delicious and just what I wanted.  I baked two cornish hens with a super-simple gluten free sausage stuffing inside and a small acorn squash, accompanied by mashed sweet potatoes and a small green salad.  I set the table with a linen napkin, candles and drank some flavored sparkling water out of a champagne flute (a Christmas gift I received a few weeks before deciding to get sober - alas) and watched Indiana Jones while I ate.  It was, in a word, lovely.

The rest of the weekend has gone much like that day - mellow, serene and completely to my liking. My meaning there is much more about what's happening in me and less about what's happening in the world around me.   In this moment, no matter what is going on around me, I am ok with it.  Will I always be able to claim that  - who knows?  But for someone who has been dreading and numbing away the holidays for at least the past 15 years, I am completely good with this current state of affairs.

Tonight I am going to be taking another big step away from living in the past by replacing many of the framed photo's around my home - all of which are currently of my family, my childhood street, myself as a child and other connections to the past to the exclusion of any current photos - with pictures that bring me more into the present.  I've written on here before about my recent realization that letting go of the past means more than just releasing the pain.  It means really living in the present, seeing the present for what it is, and even seeing the past for what it truly is, not through those proverbial colored glasses.  Once that  began to fully sink in, I looked around and realized this state of framed photos in my house - it is really hard to let of a point in time when all you surround yourself with are photographic memories of that time.  I am not suggesting that having happy memories of our past is a bad thing at all.  I had a very happy childhood, for which I am so thankful and I will always cherish those memories.  But I can see that there's something deeper going on here, and I can change that, I can make the present feel like a cherished time as well.  So I've printed up photo's of me with the dogs, some beautiful shots of Italy, Costa Rica and Mexico, and a picture of my friends and I on my 50th birthday.   These are happy recent moments that make me smile when I look at them, and they have little connection in my mind to the crazy, out-of-control way I felt when I was drinking.  I have spent enough time, more than enough time, looking back and I am ready to begin looking forward now - with enthusiasm, excited anticipation and joy.

Hoping you all had a very happy Thanksgiving, with a lot to feel thankful about and grateful for.  With blessings and all my best to you,

Allita