90 Days

Yep, as of today I have not indulged in drink for 90 days.  There was a time when this was an inconceivable notion ,,, just going for a whole week was an inconceivable notion.  And while I am recognizing how hard this has been, and that's an understatement if ever there was one, I also know I've only begun with what needs to happen to keep me sober, both literally and mentally. 

Contrary to what my non-alcoholic friends/associates seem to think, the process of "getting sober" isn't about just figuring out how to tough it out and not drink alcohol.  An alcoholic, from what I can tell so far, doesn't see things for what they really are.  Those "things" include our past, our relationships, ourselves, even our own thoughts.  This is definitely true for me.  With each day that passes, I learn more about myself, I question more about myself and my past, and I love that.  I'm like two very different people now, two sides of myself I guess you could say.  There's the me that is all emotion and feelings, very little reason and or sanity.  And then there's what I call my "wise, mature self" ,,, the voice of reason, heck maybe the voice of God, speaking to me through me.  That part of me is willing to question everything, every.single.thing, about what I've always believed and thought to be true.  I can no longer accept all the old stories I've either told myself, or been told by someone (parents, family, teachers, etc.), because to accept all of that is to drink again. 

I feel so much more joy today than I did a couple of weeks ago, and in that is the acceptance that it's ok to take care of myself, to do whatever I need to do in order to feel this joy.  And in my case, that means not communicating with certain people very often, if at all.  It also means, and this one is WAY harder to accept, that what others think of me or expect of me (even if I'm assuming all of that) should NOT be the guide by which I live my life.  Crazy that at 50 years of age I am finally learning to be okay with that ,,, learning, just beginning in fact. 

This process of getting sober feels like the very crux of what life has been leading me towards for decades now, and it's the biggest, most amazingly stupendously ginormous thing I could ever have imagined.  People keep asking me "what are you doing now?  are you working?  what do you do all day?", and I just stare at them thinking "Don't you fucking GET IT????  I'm getting sober, that's what I'm doing, and that's HUGE, it's EVERYTHING!!!".  But no, they don't get it ,,, and neither did I before it was my turn, and it's ok.  It's insane, it's crazy, and it's so BEAUTIFULLY RIGHT.  I am EXACTLY where I need to be, doing EXACTLY what I need to be doing.  I cry every day, not from pain or fear, just from knowing that I am finally, at last, getting it.  I finally get it.