What a day ...

Started out taking my car in very early to the dealer for service, and while there I found out my ex-husband's younger brother, about my age, passed away.  What a bunch of emotions that brought up ,,, I remember Jerry fondly (I've been divorced for about 8 years now), he was a very gentle, sensitive, sweet soul and we got along great, which I can't say for all my husband's siblings.  So I was remembering him, and feeling so sad that he's gone so soon.  He was a heavy drinker when I knew him, and while I don't know the reason for his passing, my suspicion is that booze played a part.  He had two sons, late teens/early 20's, and I can well imagine how they're feeling.  My own father died when I was 14, and it was rough to put it mildly. 

And I was also feeling very sad, once again, for the failure of my marriage, as memories of those days came flooding into my mind.  Since I had a rental car, and no particular plans for the day, after I hit an AA meeting, I just started driving.  It's such a beautiful spring day here, high 70's, a few big puffy clouds in the sky and my rental was an excellent host for this excursion.  My tears eventually stopped and I just let my mind wander, listening first to music and then an audiobook on my iPod.  At one point I just became very aware of how blessed I am, and how grateful I felt in that moment to be where I was, doing what I was doing, feeling everything honestly, no booze.  Make no mistake, the old me would have gone straight to a bar and spent a good deal of time there, before THEN getting in my car and driving around ,,, OR I would have bought a chilled bottle of wine and drove around all day drinking it.  Sad, but very true. 

Another couple things I didn't do today that I would have done before are around food and shopping.  At one point I stopped for a bathroom break, went inside the mini-mart and bought a bag of almonds and a bottle of water.  Traditionally my road snacks have been crunchy Cheetos, mini choc donuts and a diet dr pepper.  I know, real healthy huh?! lol, but nope, not today.  And then I decided to stop at one of my favorite dress shops, and despite seeing all kinds of things I would love having, (not necessarily wearing though, just having, as is my habit to date), I only bought two things for a total of $40.  I didn't feel any of the crazy, out of control, need-to-numb feelings that have so often accompanied my drinking, eating and shopping in the past.  It was pretty awesome, and I'm pretty exhausted.