Mental health journey

I wrote this entry for my mental health providers website as part of Mental Health Awareness month.

Three years ago, in April 2011, God delivered to me a wake up call in the form of colon cancer.  The life I was living at that time was so out of alignment with who I really am, or who I was meant to be.  I was numbing all my darkness and pain with alcohol, sex, food, shopping, traveling - and not even sure what exactly I was so afraid of feeling.

My cancer wasn't fatal,  but it was the end of the life I was living at that time, and I believe that's exactly what it was meant to be.  Physical recovery forced me to slow down, the spinning top that I had become was no longer able to hide from what my life had become.  The spinning stopped, a lot of things started to come into focus and I knew everything had to change if I was to survive.  And I knew that I would need help on this journey.

I got into a recovery program for alcoholism in January of 2013, one of the best decisions I've ever made.  And as I started to peel back the layers of scar tissue that had grown over a lot of original wounds, I sought counseling help from someone who understood my alcoholic mind.  Based on a recommendation from my doctor, I started seeing Kathleen to begin the process of looking honestly at myself, my pain and find some different coping mechanisms.

As part of this journey I have come to realize that I, like many of us, carry certain beliefs about myself, my life and God.  Some of these beliefs came from inside me, some came from suggestions from others that I chose to accept.  Many of these beliefs are very limiting, and with the help of sobriety and counseling, I am better able to examine them honestly and decide whether they still work for me or not. Beliefs such as I am only fun and interesting when I drink, or that the only thing I bring to a relationship with a man is my body & ability to be pleasing.   I am an introvert and an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), and quite the loner in reality.  My belief that those parts of me were socially unacceptable, and even broken, led me in a lot of self-destructive directions.  I couldn't see it as self-destructive when I was in it, although I wasn't exactly happy either.  I just thought that if I could only get the combination right for once (lose enough weight, find the right man, work the right job, earn the right salary, etc), then at last I would be happy.  It was always around the next corner, out there somewhere ... and never did I believe that my drinking was the very thing keeping all that happiness constantly out of reach.

I still have a ways to go, but today I have learned that I can't survive if I seek to numb rather than feel and that my feelings won't destroy me.  I've learned a lot of self acceptance, and believe that is the key.  I still want validation from others, but it doesn't determine if I'm ok with me.  I am grateful for all the lessons learned so far, for the journey I am on and for the healers I have been blessed with along the way.