My patio

One of my very favorite places to be is where I am at this moment ,,, sitting on my back patio, at my new table while one dog lays at my feet and the other one tries desperately to get me to throw her ball repeatedly.  :-)  It's a happy place and time, sitting here sipping my tea, eating breakfast, listening to the wind in the trees, watching the dog walking/bike riding activity in the park right behind & below my house.  This is something very precious to me, this morning ritual of moving slowly & thoughtfully into my day.  It is extremely important to me to preserve this, and while I know we all have to make a living, including me, my intention is to design a full life where this precious morning time remains as is.

I'm so grateful for this not just because I know there are people who don't have this, or even because there was a time when I didn't have it either.  My gratitude really springs from clearly remembering a time when I had it and didn't know how precious it was, and when it was taken from me while I was sick.  All those morning laying in that hospital bed three years ago, physically and mentally incapable of recalling how it felt to feel good, to not be in pain and to have ones own life without tubes, nurses, all manner of strange pharmaceuticals and no fresh air.  They really need to make hospital rooms with windows that open ... fresh air is crucial when you're trying to heal, I think it is anyway.

My gratitude now also remembers a time, a lifetime, of mornings where I was hung over, exhausted from trying to sleep with too much alcohol in my body, regrets over having drunk so much (yet again) and maybe what I did the night before (or who I did it with), feeling puffy and bloated, my stomach and head in turmoil, dehydrated and just having no peace whatsoever in my heart.  Feeling like I'd failed again, beating myself up again for not being stronger, smarter and more capable.  And in all of that, there was no appreciation of the life I had, the beauty of the morning and it's surroundings.  I thought I was a grateful person then, but I see now that my gratitude was more about what I had avoided, or what I had "gotten", not for this beautiful life because I couldn't stop berating myself long enough to be present to what was.

I'm still not always present to what is, appreciating each moment and letting future moments unfold as they will.  But I am doing a whole lot better than I was, and have stopped trying SO hard to be someone that I am not and never will be.  I surrendered my attempts at controlled/disciplined/moderate drinking, accepted my powerlessness and in doing so, I got myself back.  That's pretty powerful stuff, and I'm grateful for that too.

Ok, going back to sipping tea, throwing the ball and relishing the moment.  Have a great day!!