Spinning Head

I'm feeling a little traumatized by some things that happened this weekend, around addiction issues with other people.  I will talk about it once I've spent some time processing, and feel like I won't be outing anyone.

In the meantime, I am sitting here posting this from a local Starbucks, which has become my "office" when I need to get out of the house.  I have a home office, but sometimes I feel paralyzed and overwhelmed with all that needs to be done, both personally and professionally.  So getting up, getting dressed like I'm going to an office and coming here (I go to different ones for a little variety.  Stop laughing at me) helps me corral my thoughts into action and I get more done.

So as I'm sitting at this one, which is right next to a large corporate office complex, and people are coming here with co-workers on a coffee break or to have a meeting, I am hearing their conversations and wondering that there was ever a time when this felt "normal" to me.  Lots of superficial discussions, people being charming and playing the political game ... blech!!  Don't misunderstand, I am in NO way judging any of it, I am simply observing, remembering and noting much my life has changed in the last three years since I left the corporate world I used to live in.  I didn't just live in it, I thought that was all there was, I didn't yet know anything else or have anything to compare it to.

Now, I am finally emerging from my cocoon of recovery from the last three years (I write much more about this in my chapter "Beautiful Metamorphosis" for the anthology I'm co-authoring titled "In Pursuit Of The Divine: Written Stories to Empower a Woman's Soul" coming in mid-May.  Stay tuned), and looking around at what my life used to be and seeing what it is now.  What exactly the future will be is still a little murky, and that's ok.  God's got that and for now, He's not showing it to me clearly and I know there's a reason for that.  But I don't believe my best future is going back to the corporate environment, what I have to offer and give doesn't fit into those parameters.  There's a reason it never felt natural to me, and that I always seemed to be mis-stepping and getting into hot water.  It always felt like a game that had rules which everyone around me knew inherently, without having to ask or learn, but I never knew what they were and always felt like I was running behind everyone, trying to just catch up.  Anyway, it's interesting now to sit here and observe that world, and feel so outside of it, having NO desire to return to it.

I've been eating food the past week or so that is NOT good for me, and which causes me much pain.  It's what I call having a case of the "fuck its", and it's dangerous territory for an alcoholic like me.  At least I'm aware of it and am talking about it.  There are physical and emotional consequences for me to behave this way - physically when I eat sugar and gluten, I feel pain in my body, dis-ease in my digestive system and general discomfort.  Emotionally, it feels very similar to how and why I drank, so it screams "danger" at me.  Thankfully I'm seeing my therapist this week, she can usually help me zero in on what's going on and how to process it in a healthier way.

I believe that's enough for today.