Stagnant

That's how I'm feeling right now, have been for the last week or two.  I feel stuck where I am, kind of in limbo.  Not sure what, if anything, I'm meant to be doing about it.  I've been praying and just asking for guidance, and I think this is for a reason.  What that reason is doesn't seem to be my business at the moment.   And in truth, I am probably moving forward more than I realize.

In a meeting I was at yesterday the topic was humility.  And I chaired a meeting on Sunday, sharing a part of my story to demonstrate that we're not ready for recovery until we're ready, that bad things can happen which in retrospect seem like an opportunity to change direction, but when we were in it, we couldn't see it that way.  And someone observed that what he was hearing was how selfish I was when I drank.  So I've been processing those two things the last couple of days ,,, humility and selfishness, asking myself if I'm humble and if that selfishness is still with me, still guiding my actions.  Truth is, I don't really know.  Selfishly speaking, I think I am pretty humble.  lol (total tongue in cheek).

I've also developed a small crush on a guy that goes to some of my meetings.  I don't really know him very well, just his age and how long he's been sober.  The very thought of taking a secret crush to any kind of next step just freezes me up ... I really am not ready for that.  The only way I've been able to navigate relationships with men to date was with (or through) alcohol.  I've never dated sober, never had sex sober and now that I am sober, I can see that I have never let myself be truly vulnerable with a man.  That's a lot to think about.  But I enjoy thinking about him and .... well, yes fantasizing about him lol.  For all I know he could be in a relationship.  For right now, it feels good to JUST feel this way, even if it might be totally one-sided.  

Some fear and uncertainty about the future creeping in again.  So many things to do, things which I tell myself everyone else has figured out and is on top of, but in truth I don't know if that's correct or not.  And I think I too have some things figured out that others might not have, so I just need to stay present, notice from time to time how far I've come and leave the future in Gods hands where it belongs.

I believe that's it for today.  :-)