Quick Saturday morning comment about something that happened earlier this week. I've talked here before, I think, about how over the last 16 months of sobriety and working on myself I notice that my other OCD compulsions (or addictions) have also started to heal. A big one of those has been shopping. For years now shopping has been one of the many things I did to try and fill this emptiness inside myself. I bought things constantly, things I didn't need and in fact, could never make use of in a million years just due to shear volume. I bought clothes, shoes, makeup, beauty items (you should have seen my hall closet, it looked like a mini drug store), perfume ... the list goes on and on.
And what I realized over the years is that it wasn't about "having" this stuff, it was just about the "buying". Once I got everything home, the thrill was over. I'd hang the clothes up, tags still on and eventually do a big closet clean out, take big bags of stuff to Goodwill and the process would start all over again.
But as I've begun to fill that vacuous space inside myself with gratitude, clarity and a true connection with God, the need and desire to buy things has diminished and now even gone away. I got a card from Ann Taylor the other day for $50 off an order, and it just went into the trash. What I was feeling was "I've got every.single.thing I need and it's plenty". Gone was the "yes but I could just look online, I might find something I need" and before an hour had gone by I would have spent enough to "save" that $50, and before long a box would arrive that I might not even remember ordering, full of more beautiful things to hang up and ignore.
So, yes stopping all the money spending is great! But what feels better than that is just realizing I have enough, more than enough, I have abundance in spades. Abundance in my closet and in myself. I'm growing! :-)
Metamorphosis
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